Changing my outlook in life including the 'pursuit of happiness'

There's only so much you can learn in one place

The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I haven't got much time to waste

It's time to make my way

I'm not afraid of what I'll face

But I'm afraid to stay

I'm going down my road and I can make it alone

I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own

Jump

Madonna

The first part of this song has never been truer than at this point in time for me. I have been going through a period of self-evaluation and critique. This year at uni has been very different to my last. I feel like I am growing as person. I am learning so much about people and also about myself. I guess when I started thinking of my life I felt unhappy for a multitude of reasons. I felt upset, lonely but I’d never say I was depressed. I had one thing, I had my degree. No matter what I am going through in my personal life, I can step into hospital, PBL or lectures and leave my problems at the door. This was my saviour. It gave me hope. I could throw myself into the adrenaline rush and genuine satisfaction and love that I have for medicine. I see something every day that keeps me going and gives me strength.

I felt very miserable at times. I felt hopeless and kept thinking that my life was ****. I kept thinking that surely there was more to life than this. I know this may sound like classic depression symptoms, but as a medical student I know what people who were depressed felt like. I didn't feel like that. I didn't feel suicidal or so low I feel like giving up. Even if I am upset, I still get myself up in the morning and can’t wait to get outside and away from my whirring thoughts and just start a new day. Maybe this is escapism, but nonetheless I never ever felt my life had no meaning.

It’s my personal and social life that makes me unhappy. I realised that it’s too late to actually change things but I can change my outlook in life. That is something a new friend of mine taught me. He said that we judge our lives and happiness by comparing it to others and what we see around us. That’s why so many people are unhappy. I knew it to be true in a superficial sense but never really thought about it deeply. Usually when something big and life changing happens, you stop and think and assess your life. Who am I? What do I want? What makes me happy? Is this it? I thought about the implications of what my friend said. I realised that if I assessed my life as its own entity, instead of comparing it to others and what ’everyone else’ is doing, I can be so much happier. I stopped and thought for a second. Wait, I have good health, a comfortable life materially, a strong supportive family network, a few God sent friends and an amazing potential career which can literally take me as far as I want it to. I also try to be a good person, have an open mind and do the right thing. No matter what life throws at me I try and maintain some integrity and dignity.

I also thought about happiness. As an entity and whether I was happy. When we go about our busy lives we hardly stop and think about whether we are happy with our life and the way things are going. It’s only when something happens that you stop and think about it. I think like everyone I never really appreciate what I have and instead see what other people’s lives are like and therefore feel dissatisfaction in mine. This is a weakness that my parents have consistently reminded me and my brother not to succumb to. I also remember reading one day in an article online

“It may seem a rather depressing, fatalistic view, but … I don’t believe any of us has the ‘right’ to happiness.”

Bel Mooney, journalist and broadcaster

This I believe is a really strong bold statement that is quite controversial and as Bel herself reflects is quite depressing. We all do believe that we are entitled to happiness and that it is a right. The Declaration of Independence in the USA takes this concept even further and says that

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”

I have always never questioned this before. I have always thought we all deserve to be happy. It was always something people said. Right up until a few weeks ago I believed that we all were entitled to this. But why do we deserve to be happy? In essence if we think about it as a concept, we don’t deserve anything. We have to find it and earn it through our own determination and hard work. In the same way we do with everything else in life that we want. I never thought I deserved to be a doctor. I worked hard and did my best and earned my place at medical school. I believe the same is true with other concepts such as love and happiness. We aren't entitled to it. We shouldn't expect things to fall into our hands. If we want it hard enough we have to earn it. I think once we stop thinking that we deserve happiness it takes the pressure off trying to attain it. There isn't this dark cloud hanging over us. There isn't this expectation that we have to try to realise. When that cloud is lifted we can be more appreciative of life and what we have. We are all living in a dog eat dog world, where survival of the fittest is never more important. But instead of having bigger muscles and cut throat survival instincts, the new differential is money. We don’t deserve anything, we have to work our ***** to survive, in the literal and metaphoric sense of the word. 

The poor little cat outside :(

Just half an hour ago, the most curious thing happened. Me and my flatmate had gone out for dinner and came back to find a black cat outside our next door neighbour’s front door. Every time we took a step nearer to our door to go inside, it seemed to come closer as if to let itself into our house. I felt so sorry for it. I would’ve loved to have brought it inside and (after giving it a bath), let it curl up and make itself comfortable and at home in our house but me and my flat mate are terrified of cats. We were anxious that it’d get inside and we would then be in a state, flustered trying to get it out.

I am quite the superstitious one and have always believed that if a black cat crosses your path, it’s bad luck. The same as if you step on 3 drains in a row, it’s also bad luck and you have to turn around 3 times and spit to expel your bad luck. So I told my flat mate if it crosses you we’ll have to go somewhere and come back later. As we were hesitating by our front door, we watched this poor little thing, looking sad and forlorn on the doorstep. It seemed to be knocking on the door with its paw and trying to get inside. I felt my eyes well up with tears for this poor creature and knew I had to do something for it. I just felt so bad. This poor little thing was outside in the cold and alone and lost. I don’t know if it had a home or a family. I just hoped it would be okay.

When we went inside, I was eager to leave it a bowl of water, just in case it was thirsty. I don’t know what cats eat and I don’t have pets so don’t have any cat food to give it. So after much reluctance by my flat mate, I convinced her we should leave a bowl of water outside our door. I have been looking out of my front window every few minutes to see if it’s taken even a sip but I can’t see it now. I hope the cat is okay. It’s such a cold night and the little thing was all alone. I feel so sad thinking about it and hate the fact that if I wasn’t scared of cats, I’d welcome it into my house and make it feel safe and at home.  

Hospital

I’m in my second year at medical school and spend 2 days a week in hospital on placement. We are there from 8-4pm. It’s a long day and when you’re not used to the early morning starts and the long days constantly on your feet, it can be tiring. But we are all slowly getting used to it. I love hospital. It is my favourite 2 days of the week. I look forward to it and don’t mind the early morning starts. I remember before the clocks changed I’d get up at 5.45 am and it’d be cold and pitch black when I left the house. One of my housemates would tell me she’d hear me get up that early and would feel so sorry for me going out in the cold. Most people complain about it and sometimes if I went to bed late, I too would feel like crap the next day. But usually when my alarm wakes me up, I jump up and get ready thinking of what I may see and learn that day.  

We have a log book with a list of 30 cases and 18 KCEs that we have to get signed off. KCE stands for key clinical experiences and that includes clinics that we have to sit it on. The cases are a list of symptoms. They include jaundice, difficulty passing urine, shortness of breath and chest pain. We have to meet patients who present with these symptoms.

The aim of our placement is to meet and speak to patients, take their medical history and perhaps if suitable carry out a clinical examination relevant to the appropriate system. We then have to find a doctor to present the history to, outlining what investigations we would carry out, differential diagnoses and potential treatment options. A differential diagnosis is a list of diseases that the patient could have that accounts for their symptoms and the purpose of the investigations is to eliminate all the things it cannot be and to confirm your diagnosis. We then get feedback on our history and then the doctor discusses the case in more detail with us.

This is my favourite part of the course. I love meeting patients and taking histories. We are put into firms (groups) that we go around in and at this stage they want us to take histories in groups of 2/3. That way we can feel more comfortable and allows us to learn from each other. In my firm, there are 5 of us - 2 guys and 3 girls. The 2 other girls like to work together and I work really well with the 2 guys. I think we all balance each other out. I ask the probing conversational questions and the guys are to the point and can direct the conversation and get the most out of the patient in an efficient way. One of the guys in my group isn’t the best communicator. He doesn’t have a warm or friendly manner with patients and often asks blunt to the point questions when taking histories. He cam’t wait to finish and just often appears bored. He’s not at all like that with us though. He is so funny and charming and has a warm cheeky sense of humour. He just doesn’t portray that amazing side to him with the patients. I love to have a chat with patients and I always come away from the consultation having learnt something. Whether it’s a bit more about life for the working classes or how different people reflect and deal with their diagnoses. I always feel so inspired about the strength of humanity in general and often feel my eyes well up with emotion. For example I met a wonderful man recently, who had just been told he may have an adenocarcinoma of the bowel and he just took it on his chin. He said that’s life and we just have to get on with it. What’s the point in worrying and getting upset, he said. I always come away from some histories feeling like life isn’t nearly as bad as it seems when there are people who have much bigger worries. Patients are always inspiring me and to me the satisfaction and joy you see when you give them good news is what you live for.  

I also love the diagnosis element to medicine. I love how you can have a list of symptoms and you have to put it together to work out what’s wrong. You use all the knowledge that you have learnt and are constantly learning to make a diagnosis and plan what investigations and treatments you’ll carry out. The guy I mentioned is amazing at this! He is just so smart and retains so much information and can access it so quickly and efficiently. He is just such a born clinician and I am always learning from him. We take most of our histories together and realise we have a great working and personal relationship. Everyone has such different skills and we should all learn from each other so we can be the best we can be.

I want to go home

5pm on a Friday evening. It’s November. It’s bitterly cold; rain is drizzling, hitting my glasses and blurring my vision as I make my way up the hill back to my house after my lecture. The street lights brighten the night sky and the rain water glistens like crystals on the pavements. The roads are full to the brim with traffic, cars full of people heading home after a long day at work excited for the week end. I walk up and down this hill to uni every week. I stand at the traffic lights, waiting for the little green man and take in the sight around me. I see a National Express Coach pass by, with London emblazoned in orange across the front. This coach is going home. If I jump on this coach, in a few hours I could be in London Victoria Station, in the heart of the amazing city that is London.

I think of what it’d be like in London right then. I dream of standing in a packed tube with all my fellow passengers, standing on the big escalators in our amazing underground tube network seeing people of all walks of life all around me. I dream of walking across Westminster Bridge with the houses of parliament lit up ahead and the water of the River Thames glistening with the reflected light from the buildings. I think of walking down Oxford Street surrounded by the lights and colours of the windows of all the biggest retailers from all over the world, selling clothes, shoes, bags. I would see excited shoppers with their latest purchases… I could sit in Parliament Square behind the big statue of Winton Churchill who guided our nation through a world war and see the beauty of Westminster Abbey beside me… I could walk down the Mall lined with street lights, paving the road to the magnificence of Buckingham Palace. I could sit by the Victoria Memorial in front of the palace and watch the cars all around me, throwing a coin over my shoulder while making a wish and feeling like I was in the centre of the world. I could go to Hyde Park, feel the grass in my toes and the chill winter air. I could pop into a warm Starbucks or Pret a Manger and buy a wonderful cup of hot chocolate and feel it warm my hands and throat as I take each sip. I could buy some of their delicious cakes and muffins and devour each bite with not a care in the world of how many calories are in it. I can watch all the black taxis rushing round late revellers to their desired destination. I could stand in front of the giant boards at London Victoria and see it change every second as a new train was coming or leaving its many platforms. This is my city. This is my London. This is my home.

In contrast to the slog, slow, lazy city I am at university in, London is my home. It is where I feel safe and part of something. I see a red post box, a picture of Big Ben or hear the familiar cockney slur and am right there again, instead of being here. I decided to go to university in a city away from home for a new start. I was full of hopes and dreams and was excited at this new chapter of my life. A year later, besides my academic life, there is not much here for me and I long to go home. Life here is not what I hoped at all. I am coutning down the days to Christmas when I can go back home to my beloved London and see my family. I look forward to curling up on my sofa at home with my family and catching up in front of the fire watching films and the football with a cup of tea.  

I can’t wait to see the familiar streets of my home town, to see it glistening with Christmas lights, to see all my favourite little shops and local land marks. I feel safe there. I feel it is my home.