Life continues to surprise me when I least expect it!

Life can play interesting tricks on us. Sometimes there are surprises around the corner that we could never have predicted that shake the very ground we walk on and change the way we saw things. Sometime these surprises make us smile and we can seal one chapter of our past with sadness and regret but closure too.

When I was 18 I had a big crush on a friend that lasted well into my 20s. At the time, I thought he was interested in me then one day he made it quite clear that he wasn’t and that was that. I was heart-broken as you’d imagine but we went our separate ways.  I was hung up on him and remained to be for a long time. He wasn’t just a crush but at the time I thought I loved him. But I saw the way he looked and lusted after other girls we knew but I pushed the hurt way because at least we were friends. I didn’t have many friends and he was a good friend to me. I didn’t know any boys and he was a boy and he was kind, cute and cheeky. He paid attention to me, flirted a little and I instantly liked him. He was a great listener and we had lots in common.

As we drifted apart with our lives going in different directions, I missed him and stewed in my self-pity, rejection and unrequited love. Then my life slowly moved forward. I had A2 exams which were vital in determining my future. I took a gap year and did lots of volunteering and met lots of new people. I went abroad and visited some amazing new places which gave me a new sense of inspiration and perspective. He got in touch and even though I thought I was moving on, my feelings came back and I saw myself waiting for his texts which never came and his seemingly lack of interest in me was there. I would watch him with sadness and regret and long for him.

I moved to Liverpool and started university in 2011. A whole new chapter in my life began. It was new and exciting. I tried lots of new things and met lots of new people and was doing the course I had dreamed of. Over time, I moved on. I thought of him less often and was as happy as I could be. He’d prop up in my thoughts every now and then but I was moving on. I met someone else, fell in love and was happy. When I saw him again in the summer of 2012, I realised I didn’t feel quite the same. I was so in love with my boyfriend at the time that my feelings for him evaporated because I only had eyes for my boyfriend and was consumed by my love for him. However that love was short lived and I got my heart broken again. But this time my love was returned, at least for the short amount of time we were together.

At the moment, I am in the aftermath of my break up and am trying to get over my ex and move forward again with my life. I still love my ex but he doesn’t love me and has moved on so I have no choice but to do the same and not prolong or fester in this state of unhappiness. I prayed to God yesterday to help me move on, to give me a sign, to show me the way and to give me some hope. What God gave me shocked me. I had been texting my old friend since I got back. I don’t feel the same way as I did about him though because I am still in love with my ex and I refuse to let myself love him again. I want to move forward and live in the present and not go backwards. I moved on and it took me a long time to do that and I don’t want to go backwards. I hated the feelings that his unrequited love gave me and never want to waste another thought on him. Anyway, my old friend called me earlier today and wanted to meet me later on tonight. He said he wanted to tell me something. But I have a family gathering later and so told him I’d be busy. He told me he liked me and that he had done so for a long time. It was such a shock. I couldn’t believe it. I did not see that coming in the slightest. I asked God for a sign and he gave me this. Why is God dragging up my past? What do I make of this? I told him I liked him once too but told him the harsh truth - I had moved on and now loved someone else. I told him he was 3 years too late.

All those months when I was a young teenager, when I thought I was in love and I cried myself to sleep with rejection, unrequited love and heart break. All those times when I wondered why I was never good enough for him, why he lusted after all the other girls and not me. All those times when I listened to Avril Lavigne and Adele to help me move forward and now this! I simple cannot understand – all along he felt the same way but just hadn’t said and instead tried to make me think otherwise. Wow! If only my 18 year old self knew this. If I could go back and tell her as she held onto all her memories of him as she cried herself to sleep. If I could tell her this, what would she have said? She would’ve laughed. She wouldn’t have believed me for a second. Now so much had changed and I just don’t care about him anymore. As harsh as it is, I don’t care if he loves me or hates me.

All I can think of is that I miss my ex and wished things had turned out differently.    

It’s strange how this happened. I never ever thought he felt the same way. I had accepted my love as unrequited and moved on. If he had told me, even at the beginning of this year that he had felt the same way, I’d have jumped at his offer and things could’ve turned out so very different. It’s weird how life works. It’s strange how time can completely change our perspective and things that we once held so true simply melt away and become insignificant and something new takes hold instead. We move on. Time is a great healer. We grow and mature and see things differently in time.

This news gives me closure on my past with my old friend. I can finally close the door to that chapter in my life.

It also gives me hope that time gives us fresh perspective and that life is constantly changing. With each day we move one step into our future and one step away from the past. Even if we can’t see change it is happening. 

The world is one big machine made up of lots of parts

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

Hugo Cabaret 

Hugo 

I quite like this one succinctly put suggestion of why we are not here by accident. These heart-warming words are from the film Hugo. This made me smile and gives me some faith that we are not all wondering aimlessly on this planet lost and without purpose. That gives me some comfort in a big and busy world which is constantly moving and changing and not always in ways that we hope. 

Another candid realisation

I went to Sainsbury’s the other day to buy some ingredients for a lemon and thyme loaf. I had picked up the recipe from one of my many baking books and was eager to try it out. A friend of mine had made some lemon drizzle cake to our PBL session and I ate one to be polite. I had never seen the appeal of lemon flavoured food before but took a slice nonetheless and braved a mouthful. To my sheer surprise it tasted so good. I really liked it. The lemon was subtle but just enough to get the scent and taste the wonderful flavour through it. It was perfection. I had become a fan. I was not yet comfortable trying lemon cheesecake but I’ll take one step at a time.

Anyway back to my story, I went into Sainsbury’s to buy some ingredients and walked up and down the aisles looking for baking powder, soured cream and lemon thyme leaves. I couldn’t find them so looked for a member of staff to help. I hate asking for help. I always feel so exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know why. It’s not like they know me but I hate it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If they are older, middle aged or elderly, I don’t mind at all, actually on the contrary find it a pleasant experience but when they are young and especially male I quickly feel awkward and out of my comfort zone. If I could choose I’d always go to a woman. That’s strange right? I am not purposefully discriminatory at all.

I don’t have social anxiety or anything but tbh I find it difficult to talk to young guys. I am 21, female and went to an all-girls grammar school. So I spent the bulk of my teenage and influential years with girls. I didn’t know any boys my age at school and didn’t date until university. Maybe that lack of experience has always been there and is showing itself to be an issue now. My friends knew boys outside of school but I didn’t with the exception of family gatherings, that’s the only time I met guys around my age and obviously that’s a whole different ball court.

I never know what to say to a guy or how to approach one or how to act naturally around one. I know it sounds ridiculous but I never truly admitted this sad fact until I really thought about it. Having said that, I do have some male friends at university but they are all very social and chatty and people I have come to know through spending lots of time around. So I gradually became comfortable with them and got to know them. By a miracle I dated someone earlier this year. That didn’t seem awkward or scary or strange because it was one on one and I knew he liked me. He danced with me and kissed me on a night out. I’ve kissed a guy before but have always had a few drinks in me and that always helps and you never go through the social awkwardness of does he like me? What should we talk about? How do we fill the awkward silences? I guess I’ve always waited for a guy to make the effort with friendships or in dating situations. This is not due to some age old expectation but purely to stop me making a fool of myself. I always feel like I am not attractive enough compared to other girls or that guys only want to know the pretty girls. I know most guys aren’t like that. But one experience of a friend’s ex-boyfriend calling me the ugliest girl in the world still lingered somewhere in my mind. I felt that I didn’t have the grace or class or sex appeal or allure that other girls had. I still feel that in dating situations but it doesn’t affect me much. It doesn’t stop me working hard or feeling happy with the way I look and proud of who I am and what I hope to achieve. I am not insecure in other ways. But when I think of myself dating these insecurities arise. I am one of those that feels slightly invisible to guys.

So I took a breath and walked up to a indie, skinny jeans wearing young guy in the bakery aisle in Sainsbury’s. I smiled and asked him where I could find baking powder. I could feel my awkwardness and fear radiating from me. I felt awfully exposed and out of my depth. I didn’t know what I expected would happen but it wasn’t easy or natural at all. By the way I should mention I am great with middle aged men. I feel confident and natural and less intimidated by them. I don’t know why though. I guess maybe because I’d had male teachers and older male colleagues where I worked during my gap year. But I could work with men. They didn’t intimidate me.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly admitted this to anyone, or least not accepted the depth of situation myself. I don’t have any solutions to this problem. But surely I cannot live in fear of guys my age forever. 

Another year draws to a close....

“…. I'm movin' on up now
Gettin' out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on…”

Movin’ on Up
Primal Scream

As another year almost draws to a close, it’s time for me as I am sure many of you will be doing too, to reflect on my past year and see what lessons I have learnt. I turned 21 this year.

I passed my first year at university. I started and ended a relationship. I found out the true meaning of friendship. I learnt that I cannot trust anybody other than my family. I learnt that I need to take control of my life and find my own happiness rather than expecting someone else to make me happy.

I learnt to appreciate myself more and to have some more self-respect. I learned more about my faith and myself too.

First, I will reflect on my relationship. I was seeing someone for 3 months long distance and we broke up because he wanted to live the ‘full uni experience’ including seeing other people and sleeping around. I was heartbroken because I thought we had something special and meaningful and that he really liked me. He then slept around during fresher’s week but told me that he loved me. However he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet and thought he would come Christmas or his second year at university. I felt truly emotionally hurt and gutted and we parted ways maintaining intermittent contact. We then spoke again a while later and I found out he had recently started seeing someone else. It felt like a slap in the face. He broke up with me because he didn’t want a relationship, yet now here he is with someone else. I told him I still loved him but he said that she makes him happier than I did. He also said that he had got what he wanted out of his system and that the grass is always greener on the other side. He said that things would have been better if we had stayed together from the start. It was over. I said we should be friends.

Since then, I didn’t so much as hear a word from him. He broke my heart but I still thought he cared about me like I cared about him. I hoped he’d call or text to see if I was okay. But no. I would do that for him in a heartbeat but he wouldn’t do the same for me. I remember worrying about him when he was waiting for his exam results; I hoped he would be okay at university and make some good friends. I prayed that he would be safe and that he’d be happy and not alone because it can be scary and daunting. I guess you cannot force someone to love or care for you even if you love them. A week later he calls me stranded at the station because he can’t afford the train fare home and asks for my help. The cheek of it! After everything that’s happened, he expects me to be there for him. How selfish? I refuse to be a doormat and be used this way so I refused to help him. Where was he when I needed him? Now he needs me and expects me to be there for him! I wanted him to appreciate that he can’t expect anything from me after what happened and his total disregard for me and my feelings. He got mad and told me not to ever contact him again.

I can take it when someone is mad at me. That doesn’t hurt me anymore. Years of being let down by one person after another has taught me not to feel anything when someone says something mean or hurtful to me. I don’t have much relationship experience so heartbreak is still painful. But one day I will cease to feel that kind of pain too. When my friends hurt me, it just washes over me like a bad smell in the street. One minute, it’s there, the next you’ve walked a few blocks and it’s gone.

I felt I could turn to my house mates, who I thought were my close friends for support and advice. I couldn’t be more wrong. My two housemates provided little support when I needed them the most. Z rolls her eyes at me whenever I bring up my heart break and R listens but changes the subject or visibly gets bored. Z thinks that there are bigger relationship problems out there. She is cynical, naïve and lacks empathy. Some major flaws for someone who is studying to be a doctor, I think. She has never had a relationship and is judgemental and feels she is above such insignificance as ‘love’. R is selfish and only cares about herself. She is young, just out of school and lacks experience and maturity. She is very self-absorbed. I have often been a good friend to both. I listen to Z when she’s complaining about not doing enough work and provide support and encouragement. I listen patiently to R when she tells me about her daily routine and plans and how her day was. Z also told us that she wants to live elsewhere next year but instead of being honest and open about it, she lied and didn’t give us a straight answer for months knowing that me and R need her answer for us to make a decision. K on the other hand is my best friend. She is supportive, honest, patient and understanding. She has been through lots of heart break before and knows just what to say. I am grateful for her. D is also a good friend. She listens to me whine and get upset and is patient, honest and supportive. She doesn’t judge me.

I guess in situations like this, you learn who your true friends are and who really aren’t. You learn sometimes that you can’t trust anybody other than your family and yourself. Everyone has their own lives and problems and priorities. You cannot rely on anyone other than yourself for your own happiness. That includes relationships. I trusted him and loved him, yet he hurt me and let me down repeatedly. He failed to articulate how he felt with honesty and openness as I had done. Maybe he just wasn’t capable of it or just didn’t know how. Maybe he just didn’t know what he wanted. I loved him and saw potential for us. I guess you can’t force someone to feel the same.

I also found for first time in my life courage that I didn’t even know I had. I had the strength to end a bad relationship when it was the right thing for me rather than it being what I wanted. I remember crying about what I should do with my best friend when he and I were still together and he said that he wanted to have fun at university. I remember visiting the cathedral for some divine inspiration. Then I woke and realised I knew what I needed to do and did it. I was proud of myself for having that strength. God helped me find that strength.

Also, I didn’t run to him when he needed me. I am the kind of person who does. When anyone needs me, I’d be there. I go out of my way to help people even if they don’t appreciate it. He knew that. He knew how I felt about him and yet he was willing to play to that weakness and use that for his own gain. I stayed strong and said no and held onto my principles and self-courage. I had some ounce of self-respect left despite my heart break. I would not let him use me and take that too. He had already taken so much from me.

I surprised myself on those occasions. I realised that inside me there was still some fight. I had some strength left however emotionally strung out I was. The sad thing was, he never appreciated that. He’d never see just how much he’d hurt me and how much I loved him. I still do and will do for a long time, however stupid that may make me.

I also passed my first year at university. I shocked myself. I didn’t think I could do it. I doubted myself despite the early mornings waking up to revise, multiple cups of coffee, late nights falling asleep with my notes. I had the determination and will but didn’t know whether it’d be enough. I had never wanted anything more. 

I will do it again for my second year exams. I will work and I’ll fight for it.

This year has been a tough year for me. There have been lots of ups and downs. I know I have focussed more on the downs but I guess that sticks out more clearly for me at this time. I guess in time, our perceptions change and we see the same things differently and in a new light. We learn to adapt ourselves to the world and cope. It’s not easy but we have no choice. I’ve hit rock bottom before and it’s hard to pick yourself up and move on. But we have to. We have no choice. We can sit around and feel sorry for ourselves but what good would that do. That won’t achieve anything. Self- pity does no one any good. We have to fight. We have to fight for what we want. We have to stay strong and keep going. That’s life.

Congratulations to the Royal Couple!!! :D

I just found out that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a baby. It was announced by St James’ palace today that the Duchess of Cambridge is 3 months pregnant. Congratulations to the happy couple! It is a truly special moment and I wish them the best of wishes from the bottom of my heart in their pregnancy. Spending time shadowing a midwife has allowed me a small insight into the joy and miracle that is bringing new life into the world. It never ceases to amaze me! It is a wonderful heart-rendingly beautiful journey for a couple to share together and a beauty and inspiration to witness such deep love. Good luck to the couple and I wish mother and baby the best of health.