Clubbing

It's been a while since my last post. I have been at home for a few days now. After an amazing night out on Friday for my friend's 21st birthday, the last few days have been very quiet. It's nice to spend time with my family but it's such a contrast to the crazy night I had on Friday. I am not one of those that go out several nights a week. I couldn't be more the opposite. In contrast, I go clubbing about once a month. This is quite sad, I know for a first year. I have so much fun when I do go out though.

I started uni having never been on a night out. So I was completely out of my comfort zone in Fresher's week. I felt more comfortable with the quiet girls and ended up making quite sensible friends. I had always wanted to go clubbing but was so scared to put myself out there. I felt out of my depth and uncomfortable. It was a completely new experience. Hence I held back.

It was my flatmate that got me into clubbing. I live with two other girls. One loves going out and the other is a post-grad who loves going out but has done it all already. But after going on nights out with them, I started to enjoy it and realise that I love it! It is a great way to just relax and have fun and let yourself go. I can really do that when out clubbing. But I was eased into it slowly, by my flatmates who made me feel safe and comfortable. Clubbing with a load of people I do not know would have terrified me in Fresher's. Hence why I haven't made many friends on my course because I didn't go on any of the course nights out.

My friend's birthday was amazing. We started off pre-drinking at our flat with a few of my flatmate's friends. I had never met most of them before. We played drinking games and went into town about 10ish. We were joined by a few others. We went to a couple of bars then to a club. We had a few drinks and danced till about 4 in the morning. I ended up dancing with a few of my flatmates' friends for much of the night. It's surprising how much fun you can have dirty dancing with a guy you've just met hours earlier. Later we went back to one of my flatmate's friends' flat. You may think from this that you can predict what will happen next.....but I'm sorry to disappoint. I am not that kind of girl. We just chatted and went on the roof for a bit. You can see the view of the city from there. It was beautiful to the see the buidings all lit up.The skyline was amazing.  It felt quiet and peaceful up there. A great end to what was an amazing night. We then went back to out flat and I slept for a few hours and got my pre-booked train home to spend some time with my family. This is one of the best nights I've had since I started uni.

I have always felt very insecure about myself and going clubbing makes me forget that. It makes me feel sexy and beautiful for a night. Dancing up on a guy with his hands all over me makes me feel alive. More alive than I have ever felt in my life. That may make me cheap or easy but if it makes me feel alive when I spend much of my life just existing and drifting through each day then so be it! If it gives me a bit of happiness no matter how superficial - what is wrong with that?

Call the midwife

I thought I would write a little about the TV series that I am watching at the moment. Call the Midwife is a six part drama set in 1950s. It follows the working lives of a group of midwives working in the East End of London and sheds some light into the issues of poverty and hardship faced by working class women at the time. I am always a fan of period dramas and usually the ones that are shown on TV tend to be adaptations of novels by the likes of Jane Austen and Emily Bronte. I love those and find those quite refreshing amidst much of what dominates TV these days – but even then period dramas tend to explore romance and relationships rather than the gritty realities experienced by the majority.  

So far I have seen two episodes. There can be some rather uncomfortable childbirth scenes but the stories of the women highlight just how different the experience of childbirth was and how dangerous it can be without widespread easy access to healthcare. The drama is set at a time when the NHS had just been established (1948) and how it provided options that working class women didn’t have before. Caesareans and blood transfusions for the poor are addressed in the series which meant that unnecessary deaths could be prevented.

The main character Nurse Jenny Lee played by Jessica Raine is a girl from the upper classes who had never before seen the realities of inner city poverty. She is very shocked by what she sees and does her best to help those she can in difficult situations. The second episode introduces the wonderful Miranda Hart, who brings some light hearted humour to the series. Never having been much of a fan of her previous TV appearances, she surprised me in this role. She is a great actress who plays her character remarkably well bringing a mix of warmth, softness and empathy that makes her instantly likeable. I can’t wait to see more of her as the series progresses. She plays a newly qualified nurse who feels that she has a lot to prove to her seniors after a series of minor mishaps.

Based on the memoirs of the late Jennifer Worth, this series is a real delight and going by the 9.8 million who watched the first episode and the 8.9 million who watched the second episode – others must like it too! This is a must watch! And it helps me remember just why I want a career in the healthcare profession – so that I too can make a positive contribution to the community around me and help the individual with my knowledge and skills.

Spare time

I am off timetable to do my special study module, which is an important part of my course and find I have much more free time on my hands. This is good but sometimes I am so bored and have nothing to do. I have been waking up at 11.30 most mornings and after spending time reading random stuff on the internet, I do a bit of work on my essay and read my book.

I love books! I have always been a fan of books but had never had the time to read regularly and sometimes a book would take me months to finish. Now I am reading The Girl with the Dragon Tatoo. I don't have a set genre of books that I particularly like to read. I will have a look on the Amazon bestsellers list and look at the reviews from those who have bought the book and if there is a consistently popular book that is getting a lot of hype I will give it a go. That way I am up to date with popular novels which is always a great topic of conversation. I could chat endlessly about movies being made into films and whether the film version ever lives up the book.

It's been a while since I have read a book that has kept me hooked and this book certainly does. I try and read about 50 pages a day so that I can get through it and often I find it hard to put down. I want to keep going to see what happens. This hasn't happened since I read Harry Potter as a teenager.

In the evenings I tend to catch up with some TV on BBC I Player and check out some of the films that are on. Hence the film reviews in previous posts. I also have skygo as well which is great. I love people and do love to socialise but after a while I like to be on my own reading or watching some TV. I guess having spent much of my A Levels and gap year on my own, I have gotten used to it. Before I would relish company and would always prefer to be around people. At the moment, I am watching the BBC Three documentary - Junior Doctors as well as Call the Midwife - the drama set in the East End of London in the 1950s.

But apart from that I do find myself bored a lot of the time. Sometimes I catch myself staring at the wall - literally and my mind would be lost in some distant thought. Then I bring myself back to earth. One of my flatmates and I usually have lunch and dinner around the same time each day so we see one another and chat for a bit over a cup of tea. It's nice to do that and we sit and discuss what we have been up to during the day. I love being off timetable - I feel well rested, having a lie in and watching lots of films but I do want to go back into lectures and tutorials again. I like the structure and routine that it brings and the focus that it gives me. When I am focussed on uni work I don't think about other things.

Films are my escapism. I guess it's great being lost in another world, feeling like you are part of another story just for a while. I am not that miserable. It sounds like I am doesn't it? But I'm not. At least not all the time. I have good days and bad days really. Ups and downs - the roller coaster that is life. Just like most people.

Titanic 3D

A friend of mine told me last month that Titanic was going to be re-released in the cinema in 3D. I was so shocked; I didn't know anything about this. Titanic is one of my favourite films of all time. I was very young when it first came out so I didn’t get a chance to see it at the cinema but I remember clearly the hype surrounding it. A cousin of mine who is a year older had seen it and was telling me about how amazing it was. Even my aunts and uncles were talking about it and were telling each other that it was a must see! They rarely ever discussed films. I was so excited to see it and when the DVD came out, I made my parents buy a copy and watched it when I came home from school. I loved it! Even from a young age I knew there was something amazing about that film. I was too young to have experienced love and heartbreak but I could still empathise and the story touched me and brought out feelings in me that I had never felt before. I went through a phase where I was watching it every day and eventually I knew the dialogue at the back of my hand.

More than a decade later, the film still has the same effect on me. The final scenes still bring tears to my eyes. Although I am much older now, the film is still special to me. It allows me to dream. I still dream like many young women, of finding my ‘Jack’ and having a passionate and romantic love affair! I think many girls like the idea of being rescued and swept off their feet and to be given a chance of escaping their troubles.The film is the second highest grossing film of all time and was a huge hit with a number of international audiences. This shows that people from all walks of life  related to the story of Jack and Rose and got something from it. Love shows no boundaries and is universal. It has no language.

I remember innocently re-enacting the film with my family trying to recreate the famous scenes and getting the dialogue perfect. I can’t wait to see it! I was too young to see it when it first came out and now is my chance to experience it in the cinema. It's out on April 6^th – I have marked the date on my calendar! Everyone get your tissues at the ready!

Decorating Cupcakes

I spent most of the evening decorating cupcakes with my friend. She's helping out at a charity cake sale tomorrow and we spent the evening making buttercream icing, which we used to ice the cakes with, while catching up on what we did this weekend. The cakes turned out pretty well. We thought they looked a bit plain with just the icing on, so my friend suggested we put some chocolate fingers in as a finishing touch. The idea seemed to me quite random but it looked quite interesting when we put them in the cake. We ended up licking the bowl and the spoons afterwards! I ate one of the iced cakes when we finished. It tasted so good!  YUMMMM!

Coursework

I hae been set an assignment to do as part of my coursework. I have 4 weeks to do it and I have 3 weeks left till my deadline. Older years students say that it only takes a week to do but looking at the sheer workload has put me in a constant state of fear. I have been doing a bit each day but I met my convenor today who gives us advice on how to go about it and I'm not at all happy with what I've done so far. I don't think I've gone into nearly enough detail and my sources aren't good enough. I really want a distinction in it. Because my mock exams didn't go nearly as well as I had hoped, I want to make up for it by doing well here. Panic never does anyone any good and it's making me so agitated whenever I think about it. I have decided to have some lunch now and then watch a film or something and have a crack at it later. I can't think when I am this stressed. There is so much to do. My convenor is great though. He breaks down our workload into manageable chunks and gives us mini deadlines. My next mini deadline is next Friday. So I have a bit to do before then. It doesn't sound too bad. We'll see if I can get it done by next friday.

Shopping for socks

I went into town for socks today. When I started university, I used to do my laundry once a week or at the latest every one and a half weeks whenever I ran out of essentials. I usually run out of socks so today I bought some so that I could do my washing at least every 2 weeks. I went around the high street looking for good quality cheap socks. I didn't want ones that go hard after a few washes and loose their colour. I saw ones in H&M which were 5 for £6.99 and the colours were quite nice, a pack of 4 for £5.99 in BHS, 3 for £7 in River Island! Eventually I ended up in M&S and to my surprise I saw 5 for £3. That was the best deal I saw. The socks are plain and don't have any patterns on them but it's just socks. I also saw some patterned ones in Dorothy Perkins as well that were reduced from £2.50 each to £1. With my 25% student discount I got 2 for £1.50.

It just goes to show that shopping around can save you money. I know it seems silly to shop around that much for socks, it's hardly buying a house but it's the little things that add up and you can save a few pounds that way.

Here they are. Please excuse my photography skills but if you need socks on a budget M&S and Dorothy Perkins are the places to go. I really don't know how clothing catalogues make socks look like a must have item!!!

Struggling with confidence

Why is life so hard? Why does every day have to be difficult? Why can't I just be like any other normal girl of my age? I feel that every day there is some reminder that I am a totally inadequate excuse for a woman. I am the opposite of the definition of a woman. Why? I lack confidence. Where can I get it from? I wish I knew. I spent my gap year volunteering with elderly people and I loved it. I can talk to them. I used to be really shy around them but now I am confident around them. I know what to talk to them about and can hold proper conversations with them. I know how to get on with them. They like me. So why can't I be that confident around people my own age? Only God knows. I went to an all girls school and I am fine around girls. But guys...that's a whole other story. I am so shy around them and never know what to talk to them about. I can talk to gay men perfectly fine. But straight ones. I come over all shy and awkward and I get lost and just fade into the background. Lost amongst all the other loud, confident outgoing girls. Somtimes I say something and people don't even hear me. That's what happened to me today. I struggle to get noticed. When I am in my tutorials, I am fine. I can talk about anatomy and impress my tutor and stun everyone else in my group into silence perfectly fine. They stop and notice me and it feels so good. But social siuations are very different. It's not like I speak quietly but I am easily just part of the furniture. why can't I be more confident? Why can't I be different? What on earth can I do to change things. It always takes me a while to become settled into a setting and then I am okay. But by then it is usually too late. I am 20. How on earth am I supposed to be the kind of girl that guys want? How on earth am I supposed to meet someone and fall in love when I can't even look at a guy I like without blushing or going all coy. It's a disaster. Will confidence come with experience? Will I slowly learn to become more sociable and outgoing? Who knows.

Their eyes were watching God

It is another day and with another day, comes another movie that I have passed the day watching. I am off timetable at university due to my exams so I have been very bored with little to do to pass the time. I can’t even seem to find the motivation to catch up on work that I have missed. This is bad, I know. But today I watched two movies. The first of which was called their eyes are watching God.

It follows the story of a young , free spirited African American girl who lives in the early twentieth century and dreams of finding love and living life. It follows her through the ups and down of her life and relationships as she tries to find happiness. It is based on the 1937 novel by Zora Neale Hurston.

This is a romantic story which leaves you thinking about love and life long after watching it. Set in the late 1920s, it highlights a lot of the social issues that were significant at the time, most importantly the expectations that were held of women and the way that they behaved in society. I studied a module on African American History back in lower Secondary School and found it extremely eye opening and humbling. Since then it has been one of my favourite topics of history partly due to the wonderful cultural and musical heritage which has stemmed from the events and experiences of the people. Music in particular has heavily influenced much of popular music in the Western World today. The sound track to this film is fantastic. It’s so soulful and beautiful in its rawness.

This film really makes you think about what is important in life and has made me think about my ideas of love and living life. I have always had dreams of living life. I hoped that I would take life by the horns and seize the day but I haven’t found the courage to do that. I have fears of putting myself out there. I feel right now that I am simply existing and not quite living. Yes I am doing the degree I want which will hopefully lead to a great new life of opportunity but what about university itself? They say that it’s the ‘best time of your life.’ That’s not how I would describe it. It’s a means to an end for me. In other words, I am here to get my degree and hopefully make some friends for life but it’s to give me a foundation for life. It’s a place where I can gain the skills that I would need to build a career and then I would live my life. Maybe I am putting off the ‘living’? Maybe I should be living now. Maybe I should be like the main character of this film and just ‘live.’ But a life of upset and disappointment has engrained a fear that is quite deep rooted and will take a very skilled gardener to remove.

There is a wonderful quote from this film that I love.

‘Love is like the sea. It’s a moving thing and it’s different on every shore…’

I have even written this quote on a piece of paper and blue-tacked it to my wall. I guess I identify with the main character. I too want to live life and find love. The latter has yet to materialise and it’s something you can’t quite look for. But the former – hmmm…..until I gain the confidence to seize the day I will have to continue to just exist.

Adventureland

I watched the film Adventureland today. It was on BBC I player and my flatmate watched it yesterday and said how it was making her slowly fall in love with Jesse Eisenberg so I thought I would give it a go. I must admit I have a bit of a crush on Jesse Eisenberg. I fell for him after watching The Social Network. In my not so widely shared opinion, I think he is really cute!

Adventureland is an American independent comedy film and having been disappointed by a few of these I didn't have high expectations. But I was mildly surprised. The humour wasn't laugh out loud but more subtle in that respect. And I really liked the Romantic aspect of it. The story followed the relationship between Kristen Stewart and Jesse Eisenberg's characters as they spent the summer working together in an amusement park. However everything isn't as rosy as it seems and soon a few hitches bring some deeper issues to light. I liked this aspect to the film as this isn't common in RomComs. I am quite a fan of RomComs in general. However they are unlikely to yield OSCAR winners anytime soon. But sometimes I like something easy going, where you don't have to think too much...something that is light hearted, funny and enjoyable. And I don't mind cliche or predictability.

Rom Coms are my favourite genre, I guess. But I like all genres. It depends on the induvidual film really. But when I am at home, I love to make myself a cup of tea or a mug of hot chocolate, sit down with a packet of biscuits and a blanket around my shoulders and watch a RomCom. It's one of my favourite things to do. I have seen so many now. But for me there is a comfort in the predictability and the happy endings that RomComs have which I love.

This wasn't a conventional Rom Com. It had a bit of a twist but nonetheless it was enjoyable. Kristen Stewart played the female lead here. As a not so closet fan of the Twilight films, I love Kristen Stewart and feel that she suits the role in this film. She plays another awkward tomboyish girl with insecurities. Kristen seems very comfortable playing this role. The only other film I have seen her in is Panic Room which was released back in 2002 when she was much much younger. She showed much more potential as an actress in terms of versatility there.

The film has a quirky and diverse supporting cast, each of which give this film more dimension and make it differ and bring something new to it's genre. If you are looking for a generic RomCom this isn't it, you will much prefer something with Jennifer Aniston in, but nonetheless I really enjoyed this film and would definitely recommend it. 4/5

Natalie Imbruglia

I am listening to Natalie Imbruglia at the moment. Ever since I bought a second hand copy of her debut album Left of the middle for £1.49 at a charity shop I have been a big fan. I had heard of her song 'Torn' before but didn't realise how underrated an artist she really is. For those of you who have not heard of her, she is a 90s pop singer from Australia who has had considerate success around the world with her debut back in 1997. Her music to me defines the 90s. Her songs are very 'easy listening' and have a sad happiness about them. They are very uplifting but melancholic at the same time. I guess she appeals to the same audience as Adele does today. Her songs are less intense but still follow the theme of the ups and downs of relationships.

I got this album over a year ago to help me through a tough time and it helped me so much. I used to listen to this in the mornings on my bus journey to work. I would sit looking out of the window in the early morning darkness and feel so down about life and my future and this album would make me feel something. Even if it didn't make me feel better it helped me feel something instead of frustrated all the time. It was nice to know that I wasn't the only person to feel like this. Now I find her music relaxing. My favourite of her tracks are 'Torn', 'Shiver', 'Smoke,' 'Wishing I was there', 'Big mistake' and 'One more addiction.'

I had my practical exam today

I had my practical exam today. It went much better than I thought it would. I even ended up enjoying it. That is strange right? Who enjoys exams? I'm not sure if I have passed or not. I will find out in a couple of weeks or so. I hope I have. I did so much prep and spent so much time stressing over it. I had never been so scared before an exam but after a few stations, I felt much better and more confident and the fear slowly ebbed away and I could think more clearly and do the best I could. I couldn't even sleep properly last night because I was so scared. The exam was made up of several five/ten minute stations and you go into each and do a different task and then move onto the next one. I find practical exams much better and more enjoyable than written exams but the big drawback is if you forget something you can't go back. It's too late and you have to move on to the next station.

Mock exam Tomorrow!

I have another of my mock exams tomorrow. This one is a practical exam which I am more nervous about than a written exam because there will be an examiner as well as the patient whom I am performing the examination on. I am terrified. Due to my lack of confidence in how my first two exams went I did so much revision since then for this one. Hoping to pass at least one of these mock exams. So hopefully I am more prepared for this one. This exam has a simple pass/fail grading which makes it more scary.

I get nervous before an exam anyway but I have never done a practical exam before with an examiner watching my every move. I hope under pressure my mind doesn't go blank... that's my biggest fear! Usually when I do a written exam, I open the paper, have a little silent panic phase, calm down then get on with it. I can't do this in a practical exam. I just have to get on with it. On top of that, the exam is over three hours long which is just ridiculous really? But hopefully after the first few tasks I will have settled into a rhythm and become more comfortable and not be so scared. I will let you know how it goes.

How do we get noticed?

Boyfriends. Some people have them some people don't. What gets a girl noticed by the opposite sex? At university I have noticed that it's the girls that parade around like peacocks wearing tight minimal clothing and bag loads of make up are the ones that get the most attention. Obviously. you may say. But in the world we live in where technology has aided the ease and flexibility of communication why is it that so many people go unnoticed? Why do so many people find it difficult to find a partner? You can see the increasing numbers of dating websites which are becoming increasingly popular with younger people. Surely when you are 'young' you are at your prime and most likely to find a life partner than when you are older. So why are younger people using dating websites?

I am 20. I have had male attention but never the right kind of person that I want to be in a relationship with. I am not fussy or anything. Just a nice laid back down to earth guy. No one has yet to notice me in that way for my personality or who I am. Sometimes I fear that I may spend my life alone going unnoticed with no one to share my life and experiences with. In the film shall we dance, Susan Sarandon's character says that we get married and have relationships so that there is someone that is a witness to our lives. Someone who takes an interest in you to share your life with so that you do not go through your life jounery unnoticed. I guess in a population with over 7 billion people, it can be easy to get lost in the hussle and bustle of life. Some times when you see someone on their own - there is an elderly woman who lives alone across the street from me and it makes you think - is there a witness to her life? Does she have anyone to look out for her, to protect her or is she alone? That's what we really want isn't it? Someone that cares for us and looks out for us, to share thing with. Someone that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside and the thought of whom makes us smile and makes our hearts beat faster. Can we really get all that from someone based purely on their aesthetics. Surely not? Hence why I do not understand the obsession with looks.

Today facebook, twitter and texting have replaced face to face conversayion and people feel much more comfortable 'messaging' their friends as opposed to speaking to them. I don't have facebook. I am not one of those social networking haters or anything like that but I just don't feel comfortable with my social life displayed for everyone to scrutinise. I don't want my life to be a page on a website. Surely our life means more to us? I have a small group of friends that I love to bits and I like to spend time with them face to face. If that makes me strange or a social freak so be it!

The therapeutic benefits of Mamma Mia

I spent this evening watching Mamma Mia on my laptop! Who knew one film can make you so happy, joyful and positive all at once? I needed a bit of a boost after a bad day and Mamma Mia did it for me! I was singing along to all my favourite ABBA classics including dancing queen, mamma mia, gimme gimme gimme and sos.... often going back and watching some of the scenes again and again. I put on my pyjamas and danced around my room pretending to me Meryl Streep singing along with her.

My favourite bit is when all the women stop what they are doing and start following Meryl Streep and her friends singing Dancing Queen. Then they all dance together on the pier. This bit always brings a tear to my eye. It's such an uplifting part of the film that makes me feel so alive! It is such an empowering song!

Right now I am listening to my other happy song of the moment - Pocket full of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield. Anyone who has seen the film Easy A knows this song and its another cheesy happy cute song. This is another song that I like to dance around my room to just like Emma Stone does in Easy A! 

A bad day

I am back at uni now. The weather here is so miserable. The sky is covered with dark menacing clouds and it just feels really grim and depressing. I am one of the classic weather-affects-my-mood people. So far today has been an altogether awful day. I had two mock exams which went terribly. I revised as much as I could but it just wasn't enough. The exam was full of random difficult questions and I wasn't happy with it at all. I am glad it's just a mock so now I know how much work I need to put in for the real thing.

When me and my friend were going in for the exam, everyone in our year was there and there were so many cheerful catch ups and 'how was your christmas?' conversations. I was standing there awkwardly as my friend was catching up with her other friends feeling miserable thinking that here is another reminder of how I haven't made enough friends at uni. I tried to block it out and think about other things so that I wouldn't burst into tears there and then. I thought of the time when I stood in the centre of Times Square on a sunny afternoon looking up and around at all the moving images. I thought of the George Washington Bridge on a beautiful clear sunny day....Not only were the exams ridiculously hard but I was reminded of my lack of friends. As I walked back to my flat I tried to blink away tears of disappointment and let down.

So there you have it....so far today has not been a good day. I think I will watch Mamma Mia in a bit. This is my happy film. I feel like watching Meryl Streep singing and dancing in the beautiful sunshine happy and content with life. Maybe one day I can be that happy and content with my life.

Hopes and Dreams

It is the longest that I have been at home since I went to university. It's been good. I have done a lot of revision as planned but am feeling quite low at the moment. I haven't spent the time out drinking or partying like most people my age would have done. But Instead I have been watching films, reading and endulging in some retail therapy. But it's the last day of the holidays and tomorrow I will be heading back to uni. Since going to uni I have learnt to appreciate my family and the time that I spend with them. The longest I went without seeing them was six weeks and I was so homesick.

When I got into uni I was happy about going to uni away from home because I thought it would be a good experience and that it would be a fresh start for me. I would start a new life and put the past in the past and start again. But unfortunately it hasn't gone nearly as well as I had hoped. I have met some really great people but I had dreamed of a world full of fun and opportunity and it hasn't been like that for me. My life up till then had been plagued with missed opportunities, boredom, heartbreak and lost hope. Uni has given me fresh hope in achieving my dream but the social side of it hasn't quite lived up to my expectations. I guess we can't have everything. Right? Instead of moping and partly to distract me I got really stuck into my uni work. In some ways the fact that there is so much to do is good. It keeps me busy and focussed.

Right now I have one goal. That is to graduate and pursue my dream career. Sometimes I get lost along the way and distracted and try too hard to fit in and be like everyone else. But I am smart that is my 'thing' I have a dream and that is my focus right now. We all need a focus in life. We all need to have a dream and have something to work towards because without dreams and hope what would we have?

What makes us happy?

Yesterday I had a short but interesting conversation with my great aunt which has got me thinking. Unfortunately, she is going through a tough time in her life and during our phone conversation she asked me a strange question. She asked me whether I was happy. It is a simple enough question you would think right? But I was lost for words. I didn’t know what to tell her. No one had ever asked me that before. So the analyser in me got thinking after I put down the phone.

Happiness - what is it? Is it a state of mind? The scientist in me would say that it is a feeling that you have due to high levels of a chemical made by the body called serotonin. But if we think about the everyday meaning of the word – what makes us happy? Is it little moments which stop us in our tracks as we go about our lives. Little things in life that make us smile such as the early morning sun, the smile of the love of my life or the first snow of the year. Or is happiness a more permanent state of mind brought about by things that are more sustainable – such as a good job or a partner? I wish I knew the answer.

Despite being in the state of happiness there is always something that is on our mind that stops us being happy. There are plenty of things that distract us from that happy place that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. For me getting into university to do the degree that I have always wanted to do made me the happiest person in the world. I had a bit of a rough time before that – so this was the happy news that I needed to change my life. I was so happy. I was just over the moon! Then when I started the degree the sheer workload and the pressure of deadlines were on the forefront of my mind and I forgot to be happy. I forgot to appreciate how lucky I am and instead I let myself be consumed by worries.  

But there are lots of little moments that I try and snatch for myself during the day that make me happy. Just today I put on one of my favourite happy cheerful songs – Mamma Mia and danced around my bedroom pretending to be Meryl Streep. I do that sometimes. When I tell others about my pop star alter ego they just look at me in embarrassment like I am a weirdo. They just don’t understand. Life for me can sometimes feel like one long routine. I do the same things every day and sometimes I like to take a couple of seconds and do something different. Just to make the day different to the one before. These are my little moments of happiness. Sometimes I like to just forget about everything and just have a sing-along and be a rock star! We all need a little boost every day to make us feel good and happy! Right?

Who we are

I have always wondered what the obsession with looks is. It is so important to some people who let it define who they are. I’m not saying that looks aren’t important at all because that would be a lie but I try not to let it define me. I would say that I am average looking at best and have often felt insecure about the way I look. But regardless, I feel that there are so many other things that we could be focussing our efforts on. Like what is inside us and simply make the most of what we have.

I guess like everyone I have features that I am happy about as well as some that I would like to change. But the features that we have are ours. They are what we were born with and I have become used to looking this way. If that suddenly changed my life will not be the same. I may not be the same person that I was before. To be honest there have been times when I wished that I was more attractive and that I had much more confidence but these feelings come and go when I am feeling at my most low.

Unfortunately the way we look is the first thing that people notice about us and sadly it affects the way people react towards you. The way people react towards you affects you as a person as well as your perceptions of yourself and others. I may be a totally different person if I looked different. So I just accept the way that I look and get on with my life. It's something that I can't really change so why get too obsessed about it. Whereas the person you are on the inside is something that you can change. So why can't we all focus on that? It’s in essence who we are. It is what we use to form life-long friendships and sustain relationships with others so why can’t we all focus on our personalities? This is what will always be there like a good wine which will mature and strengthen with time. Looks on the other hand fade. I know that when you are at school or college or even university that seems to be the most important thing. You hope that by dressing in a certain way the guy that you like will notice you. But surely that is not how you want him to notice you but instead based on who you are as a person?  

Grey's Anatomy

My favourite programme on TV at the moment is Grey’s Anatomy. I can’t express enough just how much I love this show. I started watching from season 6 after my friends and family were recommending it and since then I have become obsessed! I then started watching the repeats of earlier series and the only series I have yet to finish watching is Series Two. I had the series set to record on my television at home so that when I come home from university I can watch them. Even on the train home I can’t wait to turn on the television and look forward to sitting down with a cup of tea, curled up with a blanket to watch Grey’s.

The clever mix of drama, romance and medicine make the show so addictive. Although in essence the show is a medical drama the personal lives of the characters and their individual stories make them so loveable and irresistible to watch. You get so tangled and embroiled in their stories that you begin to think of them as people you know and love. Each episode highlights a specific issue that is relevant to both the character’s personal and professional lives. In a way the two are so closely interlinked and are interchangeable.

I have never been a fan of medical dramas. They are often grossly dramatized and glamourized and the characters conform to old stereotypes of doctors being cold, detached and clinical. But Grey’s is definitely an exception. With a sexy cast which includes the irresistible Patrick Dempsey and great probing storylines this show is a must! 5/5

Rain

It’s been raining all day today. I love rain. For a lot of people it’s a nuisance. For my mum it means that she can’t put the washing out. For my dad it means he can’t run errands. People get all hot and bothered about it. It’s just water for God’s sake. It’s just water falling from the skies. Sitting inside, I love to watch it as it hits the window panes. Seeing it slide down the glass blurring the outside world always makes me feel like I am in a special place; where I am away from the outside world where I can get lost in my thoughts and feel safe. It has a very dreamy quality to it. As I sit in my room revising for my exams I stop and appreciate it. It brings a smile to my face. I can hear it hammering on the roof and it’s such a beautiful sound. Not quite like the movies where the rain is pouring heavily and a couple are making love inside their house by a log fire as they hear it hitting the tin roof with Norah Jones playing in the background but it’s still special to me. It is like washing away the old and when it stops it leaves behind this damp, heavy cloggy air and everything feels different. It’s like waking up on a new day leaving the old day behind. It’s a new time and things will be different.

New Year's Day

What does this day mean for you? For me it is a time spent with my family saying good bye to the past year and welcoming a new one. A day full of hopes and promises for the coming year. It’s the time to put behind the mistakes and regrets of the past and to look into the future and a new beginning. I usually make a resolution and this year it is to pass first year at university and to be happy. I know the latter is rather broad but sometimes that is a good thing. Right? I aim to make the most of the opportunities that may present itself to me over the course of the year and to try new things. To put myself out there and see what happens. I will try to not be afraid all the time. I am not one of those seize the day people. I wish I were but instead I am one of those that like to stay within my comfort zone and hope for things to happen but never actually take the step to make it happen.

I always spend New Year’s Eve/New Year’s day with my family. We stay up late and watch the countdown on BBC 1 and see the fireworks. I never quite understand why we watch the fireworks on television. It is never the same as being there but nonetheless it is something we do every year. Like a tradition. We then wish each other happy new year and hug and kiss each other and pray to God that the year will be a prosperous one. Then we speak on the telephone with our family abroad.

This year we went to the temple. My parents aren’t too keen on visiting the temple on New Year’s Day because of the crowds but despite the dreadful windy wet day we trudged along anyway. If you get there nice and early they give you a nice meal, but by the time we got there the food had all run out. That’s a shame! I always look forward to the food. But it’s nice to be at the temple on New Year’s Day. The atmosphere is great. People from all over the country come to my temple hoping that this year will bring them luck and prosperity.

I spent the evening watching Adele – Live at the Royal Albert Hall on BBC 1 on the television. She is bloody fantastic! Isn’t she? What a talent. Watching her is like watching a gift from God. She sings with such emotion and conviction which always brings a tear to my eye. She performed songs from her debut album 19 as well as the multi-million follow up 21. 21 has been a dear companion of mine through much troubled times in the past year. This past year has been like a roller-coaster with many great ups and downs and often I turned to music to help me through the tougher times. When I am upset or lonely 21 gives me the much needed comfort and uplift that I need. Adele writes some of the most beautiful lyrics that can really capture the heart. She is also one of the artists that both me and my mother can enjoy together. Me and mother don’t have the same taste in music but Adele is the exception. Although poles apart and each with our own set of dreams and heart breaks, each of us can take something different away from an Adele song. It was a great end to a great day.

Often I have a song that best captures the emotion that I am feeling at any given time. Sometimes I feel that my life is like a movie with a soundtrack for each experience. I would like to share with you my song that best captures how I feel today.

Paradise by Coldplay.