A reflective quote

 "Don't Worry. Everything that happens happens mostly without you." 

Anonymous 

This is a quote loved by the author of a series that I am reading in the Guardian online called 'a marriage in recovery.' It tells the experiences of an anonymous writer whose husband is an alcoholic. She is married with 3 children and the series explores her experiences, difficulties and emotions living with her alcoholic husband. It is a very enlightening series and highlights the effects that alcohol has on the family unit and also on marriage. Often these can be overlooked as especially from a medical perspective. As a medical student, I am taught about the harm it does on a person's body but often the social implications of dependency can be far more long lasting and perhaps difficult to reverse. 

I particularly liked this quote as it shows that often when we are dealing with the effects of another's behaviour, we take it personally. We get hurt and upset and let what they say and do get get right into our soul and this is heartbreaking. Whether it's a partner's addiction, infidelity or bullying at school or in the work place, often if we step back and just think for a second, why do we take it so personally? Why do we let it consume us? Often if it was another person in our place receiving this harm instead, the same thing would happen ... right? It is not our fault and is a problem with the person who is causing the harm. We are just unfortunately the one caught up in it.

In other words, things happen with/without our input so we should just chill out a bit and distance ourselves emotionally sometimes. This perspective helped me a lot when dealing with being hurt or let down by other people. What do you think? 

A clash of two worlds

I moved into private halls last Sunday. I had lived in uni halls during my first year where fortunately I was placed with two girls who I clicked very well with. We got on well and spent a lot of time together. One of them has become a best friend and I still keep in regular contact with her. I moved into a student house during my second year. I was excited at this prospect as I had never lived in a house with friends before. I came to love the peace, quiet and space that a house had and I had the environment I needed to work hard for my second year. Now I am in my third year and have moved into private halls again.

I feel like this summer has given me time and space and experiences to think about who I am and what I want. I know this “finding yourself” thing sounds cliched but I believe that we all do need to find ourselves. Some take off to a foreign land, some just need a holiday or time at home or just freedom from other pressures of life. Whatever the setting we all need space to sort out our thoughts and just think. We need to find out who we are, what we like and to accept this. Often the last part is the most important thing. We may not be able to accept who we are. This may sound crazy. But for a long time I wanted to do what everyone else did because I thought it’d truly make me happy as I would be with other people and feel less alone. I hated that I was in a small flat and didn’t have many friends and spent a long time wanting more friends, more experiences, more popularity. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing as I felt somewhat different for not having all those experiences. I will leave the word experiences to your own interpretations.

Now I am living in a flat of seven where four of them are insane party animals. These four know each other. Of the other two, C is more chilled out and S has not moved in. It’s disheartening. In first year I would’ve done anything to be with such people but now I don’t feel that way. I would’ve dreamed of going out every night, kissing lots of guys, being the cool free popular girl. But my inhibitions prevented this and slowly as I came out of my shell I started to realise I like my comforts. I like to read, watch TV, watch movies, visit galleries. The only sadness is that I feel left out. They know each other so talk of people and places and subjects that I know little about. I am polite, I make conversation, I try to be part of it so I don’t get treated like an outsider but somehow I feel as though I am lagging behind. Today the four had all decided to go out to a gay club. They invited C but not me. I had a shower, popped on a dress and tights and did my hair. I got ready. I had plans already but I’d have still liked to have been asked anyway. They didn’t know of my plans.

They were getting ready. They blared out what I can only describe as ‘rave’ music. It was so loud! I feel like a granny saying this, but it really was uncomfortably loud. I then met a friend, D and together we walked to K, M and J’s house. K is one of my best friends and she moved in with M and J and since then we have gotten to know M and J too. It’s always nice to meet friends of friends and broaden our friendship circle and meet new people. K, M and J live in a house with a garden and tonight they lit a fire in the garden and we sat around drinking wine and hot chocolate and eating celebrations and popcorn. We shared stories, anecdotes and jokes having a truly relaxing evening.

The fire was crackling in the background, bright yellow in the increasing darkness. M had lit tea lights and placed fairy lights around her garden dining set so it felt warm and homely. The flames danced illuminating our faces as we sat around huddled together in blankets. I often hate social situations and shun them for more homely comforts but I soon forgot I was among new friends and acquaintances and felt comfortable. I laughed and smiled and realised that I was enjoying myself and not smiling at the right times for pretences. It was a perfect evening in a lovely setting. It was a far cry from my halls. This reaffirmed that I love homely comforts. I love a home environment, good conversation with similar people and feeling part of something. 

How will I get through a year at this halls? 

Is it just me? a semi autobiographical book by Miranda Hart

Today was my first day back at uni after the summer. I had a good few weeks off where I found out I passed my second year exams and so had the rest of the summer to relax and enjoy and just focus on doing things I enjoy. I don’t often get to pursue hobbies as free time is often non-existent while doing a medical course. I have friends that make time for the gym or football etc so I guess it’s not impossible. 

I decided to catch up on some reading. I love to read. I love sitting down to read with a nice hot mug of tea or hot chocolate or milo (a hot chocolate and malt drink mixed with milk which is common in Asia). Then I can just escape to another world for a good hour or so and be absorbed in the intricacies, excitement and mystery of another person’s problems, experiences and life. It’s a wonder why not everybody reads. I sometimes don’t have the patience for it and want to read it all quickly but when I find a good book I think about it while I’m out doing other things like shopping, showering or lying in bed trying to sleep. This summer I read Miranda Hart’s semi-autobiographical novel ‘is it just me?’ I found this an interesting label for the genre of the book: semi autobiographical. I have read autobiographies before. In essence an autobiography is a journey of one’s life and highlights specific events written in first hand. Nowadays however, autobiographies written by notable people are often written by ghost writers. I find this somewhat disappointing but can you really imagine Katie Price sitting at a study typing frantically late into the night before a deadline. Sadly I cannot. 

Anyway, back to my point, Miranda’s book is a quirky thing. It’s full of funny stories, jokes, situations, experiences and general observations all written in Miranda’s unique slapstick awkward, likeable comedy style. She writes of experiences her ‘character’ endures when it comes to work, dreams, fashion, music, sport etc. all of life’s little things. And I find that although most of it is a work of fiction, you can still draw something from it. I felt I could relate to her sense of trying to fit into this world and finding your place. I took this book on holiday with me to Malaysia. I found myself giggling out loud in public places and re reading extracts to friends and family. I felt she was reading to me. It was such a personal book. I thoroughly recommend it. 

Me before you - a novel by Jojo Moyes

When I decided to buy this book I thought it’d be another soppy romantic chick flick. I hadn’t read one of those in a while and thought it’d be easy reading and light and something different to the book I had read before – the casual vacancy which had a lot of darkness and misery.

When I started reading I still thought that this book would go down the clichéd romantic route, two people meet, hate each other initially and then fall irrevocably in love and stay together and it’ll be a happy ever after ending. But what lay in store for me pushed this rather clichéd genre to its limits.

The story follows Louisa Clark who is a young woman in her late 20s who has led a somewhat predictable life, never leaving her home town and comforts. She lived with her parents and was made redundant after the café where she had worked had closed down. She then went from mundane job to job with no particular career goals or expectations and eventually took a job albeit reluctantly as a carer for Will Traynor.

Will had a motorcycle accident and unfortunately this resulted in quadriplegia, which meant that he has little/no function in his arms and legs. His injury had left him paralysed and wholly dependent on care for his day to day needs. He led a very successful life before his accident, undertaking extreme sport, travelling, holding a well-paid job in the city and a relationship. He was happy with his life and in an instant his former life and adventures ended and became a distant memory as he envisaged spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

The two learn from each other. Will finds a new lease of life and Louisa learns to broaden her horizons. The story then takes a few surprising twists and turns in a rather unpredictable fashion. This novel explores life for a quadriplegic and helps us as the reader contemplate the difficulties that people with cervical spine injures endure on a day to day basis when it comes to washing, changing, toileting, even eating and drinking. We see how difficult it is for people in a wheelchair to go to public places where often there aren’t adequate facilities and this helps us appreciate what we take for granted such as climbing stairs and walking in mud.

This was a delightful read, with emotional highs and lows. There are times of laughter and times of sadness as a relationship between two very different people, in different situations, holding life experiences and from different social classes build a mutual relationship.

I would thoroughly recommend this read as a story which helps us appreciate the basics of life – love, freedom, laughter, adventure and family. 

Miranda

Hello everyone!…. I’ve just been watching old episodes of Miranda. Season 3 has just been on TV and I couldn’t get enough of it. I’m not usually a fan of slapstick humour but there is something very relatable about Miranda. I missed season one and two and managed to find it online so started watching it this week! It’s so funny!

She plays a woman in her mid-thirties, single, facing pressure from her mother to marry and have children, has a long time crush on her friend Gary and a lovely friendship with her best friend Stevie. She lives alone and finds plenty of ways to keep herself busy and she doesn’t take herself too seriously. I feel that there is often a stigma attached to single women in their thirties but Miranda addresses this and draws on it and I feel that other single women like myself can relate to that. She talks about many issues that all normal women may have – not feeling like they are excelling in a career, not feeling attractive enough, having a poor sense of style, annoying friends, a pushy mother, hating the gym, the awkwardness of sex, romance and dating. As a girl who went to an all-girls school I can relate to this phenomenon!

She identifies herself as overweight, tall, awkward looking with a unique sense of humour and unsuccessful with men. The fact that she is open and honest about herself and is not vain or arrogant makes her so relatable and instantly likeable. She is just herself and we take her as she is – cringe worthy humour and all. We feel like she is the girl we secretly are inside or a friend we know in our own lives that we love.

I feel myself actually laughing out loud relentlessly at her jokes. Me and my best friend often quote Miranda and Stevie without even realising it! You should check it out, it’s very down to earth and a great watch!

A happy quote ...

Here is one that made me smile :) 

"Remember ...To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world" 

Anonymous 

Pen pals

Hello my loyal readers,

Today I am going to tell you about my pen pals. I have 2 pen pals atm. A pen pal is someone that you write to regularly that you have not seen before. I joined an international pen pal site called interpals. I joined it back in February. You make a profile and list your interests, requests, favourite films, books and music etc and you can find like-minded people and message them. I have been messaging this one guy for about 2 months now and we’ve been messaging very regularly sometimes multiple times a day. We went from messaging on the site to emailing and it’s nice. I look forward to reading his messages and love the surprise when I notice that I’ve got new mail in my inbox. It reminds me a lot of the film ‘you’ve got mail.’ Cheesy I know!

My other pen pal is a girl that lives in the same city as me. It’s really cool how we both live in the same city and even have mutual acquaintances and we talk about places in our city that we’ve been to. When I go into town I look around and see if I can spot her. It’s silly cos I live in such a big city but just in case we bump into each other, I keep a look out.

Anyway, what I dislike about pen pals especially online pen pals is that we talk regularly, send each other cute innocent pictures and quickly become such a big part of each other’s lives, in the fact that we think of our pen pal during the day and what they’re up to and can’t wait to see what they’ve replied with. It’s all new and exciting but unfortunately we have never seen each other and may never do. I’d really like to meet both my pen pals. Especially the guy as we have become close, as close as you can be with the written word. It’s hard cos I don’t really know much about him and everything that I do know it what he tells me and that’s such a small part of the overall picture. It’s sad to think that I may never meet him, even after writing to each other for so long.  He doesn’t seem too keen to meet me. I think it may be fear that we may not get along and our expectations may be very different to the reality.

It’s strange to think that there is a person thousands of miles away that I have never seen, who is a part of my life. I don’t know how he walks, what his mannerisms are like, whether he is loud, shy, quiet, outgoing, does he smile a lot? What makes him cry? What he smells like? These are all things I may never know. 

P.S. Thank you to my two new followers for choosing to following me :) And as always thank you to my loyal long time followers :) 

An old native American quote ...

A grandfather said to his grandson: ‘My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside each one of us. One is evil: anger, fear, jealousy, greed, resentment, anxiety, lies and ego. The other is good: joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and trust.’

The boy asked: ‘Grandfather, which wolf wins?’ Quietly, the old man replied: ‘The one you feed.’

Why am I always second best?

My ex called and we talked and the main thing I garnered from the conversation was that he wanted to get back together. We’d been talking on and off and texting and it’s been good. When the pressure’s off, we actually have a good ‘relationship.’ After we broke up, he started seeing someone but he hurt her and she decided she didn’t want anything to do with him. That’s why he wanted to get back together. I was so happy to hear from him and that he wanted to be with me but then I realised that the only reason he came running back was because she didn’t want him. He told me once before that she made him happier than me. I told him how I loved him and got a very lacklustre reply in return. Why am I second best? Even though a part of me wants to be with him, I have enough self-respect to not be second best to anyone and be used this way.

My first ‘love’ didn’t want me either at first. I remember we had a really good relationship but he never looked and treated me the same as the ‘pretty’ girls. He told me he didn’t think of me in that way. He then got turned down by other girls and then told me 3 years later that he wanted to be with me. If he had found anyone ‘better’ he wouldn’t have even thought of me. So here is another example of why I am second best.

What is wrong with me? Why am I never anyone’s first choice? Why am I always the second option? I want to be with someone who feels that they are with me because they want to be with me. Not because nothing better came along or as a last resort. Is that unreasonable? Should I just be happy that someone wants to be with me? And not ask for too much. 

A thought

I watched a really powerful film called ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ yesterday. It’s one of those films that hits you and makes you question things and you’ll find it consumes your mind trying to unravel and process some of the key issues and leads you to one of the big unanswered questions in life – why do people do the things that they do? Perhaps more significantly, why do some people do bad things? Sometimes people have no justification for their actions and despite ample time do not reflect or change their behaviour and continue to act in a certain deviant way.

After reading a review about the film, I also found myself thinking why does mankind or human nature more specifically try and find meaning in everything? Why don’t we just accept things happen as they are and leave it be? Does religion play a part in this?

“If it happened, why does it have to mean anything”

Life of Pi

Also this comes to mind:

“It's like this: you wake and watch TV, get in your car and listen to the radio you go to your little jobs or little school, but you don't hear about that on the 6 o'clock news, why? 'Cause nothing is really happening and you go home and watch some more TV and maybe it's a fun night and you go out and watch a movie. I mean it's got so bad that half the people on TV, inside the TV, they're watching TV. What are these people watching…”

We need to talk about Kevin

I found this quite a poignant observance. I don’t quite know what I make of it yet. What do you make of it?

Back to uni and second semester

It’s been a good while since I last posted something. It’s the start of a new year and this is my first post of 2013! I said good bye to a very tumultuous year and welcomed in a new year. So what has 2013 brought for me so far…

I have come back to uni after spending a really great 3 weeks at home with my family. I’d hoped to get a fair bit of revision done but unfortunately that didn’t happen. Instead we had family over so I spent time with them and enjoyed watching lots of Christmas TV and films and eating lots of chocolate and biscuit selection boxes. I think I visibly put on some weight but oh well! Christmas only happens once a year and while I’m at uni, I don’t get the chance to eat as much as I do while at home. I didn’t exercise at all either. But tbh I’ve never been an exercise freak. I have never been to the gym and only go swimming on holidays. The only time I run is for the bus and after that my muscles kill and I try to avoid such pushing myself. A friend asked me to go for a run with her in the mornings but why would I exert myself so much when I can sit in with the heating on and a cup of tea and watch Miranda on I player. I know I should be encouraging exercise as a medical student but I’d rather eat well and keep active by walking to uni etc rather than doing active exercise.

I’m currently without hot water atm! You never realise how much you rely on such things until they stop working. We’ve been without hot water for 2 days now and it’s difficult to do the washing up in ice cold water and we can forget showering! I hadn’t had a shower since Saturday and realised I had to do something about it cos I’m going to be in hospital tomorrow meeting patients. So I boiled lots of hot water in kettles and saucepans and filled my bath tub. I did my best but the water was going cold very quickly. It was such an uncomfortable experience – having a bath in cold/lukewarm water. I was shivering and couldn’t put my clothes on fast enough. But at least I’m fairly clean and won’t feel so conspicuous and uncomfortable tomorrow. My letting agent sent round a plumber today who had a look and ordered the suitable part and will be able to fix it tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll have got water tomorrow, given that the part he ordered is the right one. The plumber didn’t seem so sure what was wrong with our boiler. I don’t know if I can bare another cold bath again!

Me and my flat mate are back to arguing about the heating. As we’re living in student accommodation, we are given an allowance which is included in the rent and if it goes over, we will be charged. My house mate is rather adamant that the heating be on a mere 2 hours a day even at this time of year. If I had my way it’d be on about 7 hours a day. You can see why we argue about it. We agreed on 5 hours a day. But my housemate likes to turn it off without letting me know at random times despite our agreement. I know I’m not one to talk as sometimes I put it on for a couple of extra hours when it’s really really cold. The house temperature sometimes gets to 15/16 degrees Celsius and no matter how many layers you put on, you still feel cold. We argued so much about it last semester and agreed not to argue about it again this year. But surprise surprise, we’re back to arguing about. I guess when two people are stubborn about what they want, it’s inevitable.

I’ve found 2 people I’m going to live with next year -my flat mate last year who is also a good friend to me and one of her friends. We’re hoping to move into private student halls. It’s a lot more expensive but we won’t have to worry about safety, heating and hopefully distance too as we want to find somewhere nearer uni and town. I’m glad I’ve found housemates for next year because I was worrying about being on my own and having to make new friends all over again. One of my current flat mates (not the one I argue about heating with) decided she didn’t want to live with us next year and wanted to be with her other friends. We hardly see her this year and we’re drifting apart from her. We realise we have little in common and she’s always out and with other friends.

Uni’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be. I feel more alone here and very isolated from everything. I wish I’d made more of an effort making friends in my first year and putting myself out there. But I find I miss home and my family a lot, especially this year. I guess its life experience. But I am focussing on my work and have my laptop to watch TV and films and books to keep me busy. I’ve always found social events quite uncomfortable so tend to avoid them with a bargepole. But so far I’ve been a lot lonelier this year than last. I got on with my flat mates better last year and we were always going out or doing something together at least once a week. It just hadn’t worked out as well as I’d hoped this year.