Life continues to surprise me when I least expect it!

Life can play interesting tricks on us. Sometimes there are surprises around the corner that we could never have predicted that shake the very ground we walk on and change the way we saw things. Sometime these surprises make us smile and we can seal one chapter of our past with sadness and regret but closure too.

When I was 18 I had a big crush on a friend that lasted well into my 20s. At the time, I thought he was interested in me then one day he made it quite clear that he wasn’t and that was that. I was heart-broken as you’d imagine but we went our separate ways.  I was hung up on him and remained to be for a long time. He wasn’t just a crush but at the time I thought I loved him. But I saw the way he looked and lusted after other girls we knew but I pushed the hurt way because at least we were friends. I didn’t have many friends and he was a good friend to me. I didn’t know any boys and he was a boy and he was kind, cute and cheeky. He paid attention to me, flirted a little and I instantly liked him. He was a great listener and we had lots in common.

As we drifted apart with our lives going in different directions, I missed him and stewed in my self-pity, rejection and unrequited love. Then my life slowly moved forward. I had A2 exams which were vital in determining my future. I took a gap year and did lots of volunteering and met lots of new people. I went abroad and visited some amazing new places which gave me a new sense of inspiration and perspective. He got in touch and even though I thought I was moving on, my feelings came back and I saw myself waiting for his texts which never came and his seemingly lack of interest in me was there. I would watch him with sadness and regret and long for him.

I moved to Liverpool and started university in 2011. A whole new chapter in my life began. It was new and exciting. I tried lots of new things and met lots of new people and was doing the course I had dreamed of. Over time, I moved on. I thought of him less often and was as happy as I could be. He’d prop up in my thoughts every now and then but I was moving on. I met someone else, fell in love and was happy. When I saw him again in the summer of 2012, I realised I didn’t feel quite the same. I was so in love with my boyfriend at the time that my feelings for him evaporated because I only had eyes for my boyfriend and was consumed by my love for him. However that love was short lived and I got my heart broken again. But this time my love was returned, at least for the short amount of time we were together.

At the moment, I am in the aftermath of my break up and am trying to get over my ex and move forward again with my life. I still love my ex but he doesn’t love me and has moved on so I have no choice but to do the same and not prolong or fester in this state of unhappiness. I prayed to God yesterday to help me move on, to give me a sign, to show me the way and to give me some hope. What God gave me shocked me. I had been texting my old friend since I got back. I don’t feel the same way as I did about him though because I am still in love with my ex and I refuse to let myself love him again. I want to move forward and live in the present and not go backwards. I moved on and it took me a long time to do that and I don’t want to go backwards. I hated the feelings that his unrequited love gave me and never want to waste another thought on him. Anyway, my old friend called me earlier today and wanted to meet me later on tonight. He said he wanted to tell me something. But I have a family gathering later and so told him I’d be busy. He told me he liked me and that he had done so for a long time. It was such a shock. I couldn’t believe it. I did not see that coming in the slightest. I asked God for a sign and he gave me this. Why is God dragging up my past? What do I make of this? I told him I liked him once too but told him the harsh truth - I had moved on and now loved someone else. I told him he was 3 years too late.

All those months when I was a young teenager, when I thought I was in love and I cried myself to sleep with rejection, unrequited love and heart break. All those times when I wondered why I was never good enough for him, why he lusted after all the other girls and not me. All those times when I listened to Avril Lavigne and Adele to help me move forward and now this! I simple cannot understand – all along he felt the same way but just hadn’t said and instead tried to make me think otherwise. Wow! If only my 18 year old self knew this. If I could go back and tell her as she held onto all her memories of him as she cried herself to sleep. If I could tell her this, what would she have said? She would’ve laughed. She wouldn’t have believed me for a second. Now so much had changed and I just don’t care about him anymore. As harsh as it is, I don’t care if he loves me or hates me.

All I can think of is that I miss my ex and wished things had turned out differently.    

It’s strange how this happened. I never ever thought he felt the same way. I had accepted my love as unrequited and moved on. If he had told me, even at the beginning of this year that he had felt the same way, I’d have jumped at his offer and things could’ve turned out so very different. It’s weird how life works. It’s strange how time can completely change our perspective and things that we once held so true simply melt away and become insignificant and something new takes hold instead. We move on. Time is a great healer. We grow and mature and see things differently in time.

This news gives me closure on my past with my old friend. I can finally close the door to that chapter in my life.

It also gives me hope that time gives us fresh perspective and that life is constantly changing. With each day we move one step into our future and one step away from the past. Even if we can’t see change it is happening. 

The world is one big machine made up of lots of parts

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

Hugo Cabaret 

Hugo 

I quite like this one succinctly put suggestion of why we are not here by accident. These heart-warming words are from the film Hugo. This made me smile and gives me some faith that we are not all wondering aimlessly on this planet lost and without purpose. That gives me some comfort in a big and busy world which is constantly moving and changing and not always in ways that we hope. 

Another candid realisation

I went to Sainsbury’s the other day to buy some ingredients for a lemon and thyme loaf. I had picked up the recipe from one of my many baking books and was eager to try it out. A friend of mine had made some lemon drizzle cake to our PBL session and I ate one to be polite. I had never seen the appeal of lemon flavoured food before but took a slice nonetheless and braved a mouthful. To my sheer surprise it tasted so good. I really liked it. The lemon was subtle but just enough to get the scent and taste the wonderful flavour through it. It was perfection. I had become a fan. I was not yet comfortable trying lemon cheesecake but I’ll take one step at a time.

Anyway back to my story, I went into Sainsbury’s to buy some ingredients and walked up and down the aisles looking for baking powder, soured cream and lemon thyme leaves. I couldn’t find them so looked for a member of staff to help. I hate asking for help. I always feel so exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know why. It’s not like they know me but I hate it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If they are older, middle aged or elderly, I don’t mind at all, actually on the contrary find it a pleasant experience but when they are young and especially male I quickly feel awkward and out of my comfort zone. If I could choose I’d always go to a woman. That’s strange right? I am not purposefully discriminatory at all.

I don’t have social anxiety or anything but tbh I find it difficult to talk to young guys. I am 21, female and went to an all-girls grammar school. So I spent the bulk of my teenage and influential years with girls. I didn’t know any boys my age at school and didn’t date until university. Maybe that lack of experience has always been there and is showing itself to be an issue now. My friends knew boys outside of school but I didn’t with the exception of family gatherings, that’s the only time I met guys around my age and obviously that’s a whole different ball court.

I never know what to say to a guy or how to approach one or how to act naturally around one. I know it sounds ridiculous but I never truly admitted this sad fact until I really thought about it. Having said that, I do have some male friends at university but they are all very social and chatty and people I have come to know through spending lots of time around. So I gradually became comfortable with them and got to know them. By a miracle I dated someone earlier this year. That didn’t seem awkward or scary or strange because it was one on one and I knew he liked me. He danced with me and kissed me on a night out. I’ve kissed a guy before but have always had a few drinks in me and that always helps and you never go through the social awkwardness of does he like me? What should we talk about? How do we fill the awkward silences? I guess I’ve always waited for a guy to make the effort with friendships or in dating situations. This is not due to some age old expectation but purely to stop me making a fool of myself. I always feel like I am not attractive enough compared to other girls or that guys only want to know the pretty girls. I know most guys aren’t like that. But one experience of a friend’s ex-boyfriend calling me the ugliest girl in the world still lingered somewhere in my mind. I felt that I didn’t have the grace or class or sex appeal or allure that other girls had. I still feel that in dating situations but it doesn’t affect me much. It doesn’t stop me working hard or feeling happy with the way I look and proud of who I am and what I hope to achieve. I am not insecure in other ways. But when I think of myself dating these insecurities arise. I am one of those that feels slightly invisible to guys.

So I took a breath and walked up to a indie, skinny jeans wearing young guy in the bakery aisle in Sainsbury’s. I smiled and asked him where I could find baking powder. I could feel my awkwardness and fear radiating from me. I felt awfully exposed and out of my depth. I didn’t know what I expected would happen but it wasn’t easy or natural at all. By the way I should mention I am great with middle aged men. I feel confident and natural and less intimidated by them. I don’t know why though. I guess maybe because I’d had male teachers and older male colleagues where I worked during my gap year. But I could work with men. They didn’t intimidate me.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly admitted this to anyone, or least not accepted the depth of situation myself. I don’t have any solutions to this problem. But surely I cannot live in fear of guys my age forever. 

Another year draws to a close....

“…. I'm movin' on up now
Gettin' out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on…”

Movin’ on Up
Primal Scream

As another year almost draws to a close, it’s time for me as I am sure many of you will be doing too, to reflect on my past year and see what lessons I have learnt. I turned 21 this year.

I passed my first year at university. I started and ended a relationship. I found out the true meaning of friendship. I learnt that I cannot trust anybody other than my family. I learnt that I need to take control of my life and find my own happiness rather than expecting someone else to make me happy.

I learnt to appreciate myself more and to have some more self-respect. I learned more about my faith and myself too.

First, I will reflect on my relationship. I was seeing someone for 3 months long distance and we broke up because he wanted to live the ‘full uni experience’ including seeing other people and sleeping around. I was heartbroken because I thought we had something special and meaningful and that he really liked me. He then slept around during fresher’s week but told me that he loved me. However he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet and thought he would come Christmas or his second year at university. I felt truly emotionally hurt and gutted and we parted ways maintaining intermittent contact. We then spoke again a while later and I found out he had recently started seeing someone else. It felt like a slap in the face. He broke up with me because he didn’t want a relationship, yet now here he is with someone else. I told him I still loved him but he said that she makes him happier than I did. He also said that he had got what he wanted out of his system and that the grass is always greener on the other side. He said that things would have been better if we had stayed together from the start. It was over. I said we should be friends.

Since then, I didn’t so much as hear a word from him. He broke my heart but I still thought he cared about me like I cared about him. I hoped he’d call or text to see if I was okay. But no. I would do that for him in a heartbeat but he wouldn’t do the same for me. I remember worrying about him when he was waiting for his exam results; I hoped he would be okay at university and make some good friends. I prayed that he would be safe and that he’d be happy and not alone because it can be scary and daunting. I guess you cannot force someone to love or care for you even if you love them. A week later he calls me stranded at the station because he can’t afford the train fare home and asks for my help. The cheek of it! After everything that’s happened, he expects me to be there for him. How selfish? I refuse to be a doormat and be used this way so I refused to help him. Where was he when I needed him? Now he needs me and expects me to be there for him! I wanted him to appreciate that he can’t expect anything from me after what happened and his total disregard for me and my feelings. He got mad and told me not to ever contact him again.

I can take it when someone is mad at me. That doesn’t hurt me anymore. Years of being let down by one person after another has taught me not to feel anything when someone says something mean or hurtful to me. I don’t have much relationship experience so heartbreak is still painful. But one day I will cease to feel that kind of pain too. When my friends hurt me, it just washes over me like a bad smell in the street. One minute, it’s there, the next you’ve walked a few blocks and it’s gone.

I felt I could turn to my house mates, who I thought were my close friends for support and advice. I couldn’t be more wrong. My two housemates provided little support when I needed them the most. Z rolls her eyes at me whenever I bring up my heart break and R listens but changes the subject or visibly gets bored. Z thinks that there are bigger relationship problems out there. She is cynical, naïve and lacks empathy. Some major flaws for someone who is studying to be a doctor, I think. She has never had a relationship and is judgemental and feels she is above such insignificance as ‘love’. R is selfish and only cares about herself. She is young, just out of school and lacks experience and maturity. She is very self-absorbed. I have often been a good friend to both. I listen to Z when she’s complaining about not doing enough work and provide support and encouragement. I listen patiently to R when she tells me about her daily routine and plans and how her day was. Z also told us that she wants to live elsewhere next year but instead of being honest and open about it, she lied and didn’t give us a straight answer for months knowing that me and R need her answer for us to make a decision. K on the other hand is my best friend. She is supportive, honest, patient and understanding. She has been through lots of heart break before and knows just what to say. I am grateful for her. D is also a good friend. She listens to me whine and get upset and is patient, honest and supportive. She doesn’t judge me.

I guess in situations like this, you learn who your true friends are and who really aren’t. You learn sometimes that you can’t trust anybody other than your family and yourself. Everyone has their own lives and problems and priorities. You cannot rely on anyone other than yourself for your own happiness. That includes relationships. I trusted him and loved him, yet he hurt me and let me down repeatedly. He failed to articulate how he felt with honesty and openness as I had done. Maybe he just wasn’t capable of it or just didn’t know how. Maybe he just didn’t know what he wanted. I loved him and saw potential for us. I guess you can’t force someone to feel the same.

I also found for first time in my life courage that I didn’t even know I had. I had the strength to end a bad relationship when it was the right thing for me rather than it being what I wanted. I remember crying about what I should do with my best friend when he and I were still together and he said that he wanted to have fun at university. I remember visiting the cathedral for some divine inspiration. Then I woke and realised I knew what I needed to do and did it. I was proud of myself for having that strength. God helped me find that strength.

Also, I didn’t run to him when he needed me. I am the kind of person who does. When anyone needs me, I’d be there. I go out of my way to help people even if they don’t appreciate it. He knew that. He knew how I felt about him and yet he was willing to play to that weakness and use that for his own gain. I stayed strong and said no and held onto my principles and self-courage. I had some ounce of self-respect left despite my heart break. I would not let him use me and take that too. He had already taken so much from me.

I surprised myself on those occasions. I realised that inside me there was still some fight. I had some strength left however emotionally strung out I was. The sad thing was, he never appreciated that. He’d never see just how much he’d hurt me and how much I loved him. I still do and will do for a long time, however stupid that may make me.

I also passed my first year at university. I shocked myself. I didn’t think I could do it. I doubted myself despite the early mornings waking up to revise, multiple cups of coffee, late nights falling asleep with my notes. I had the determination and will but didn’t know whether it’d be enough. I had never wanted anything more. 

I will do it again for my second year exams. I will work and I’ll fight for it.

This year has been a tough year for me. There have been lots of ups and downs. I know I have focussed more on the downs but I guess that sticks out more clearly for me at this time. I guess in time, our perceptions change and we see the same things differently and in a new light. We learn to adapt ourselves to the world and cope. It’s not easy but we have no choice. I’ve hit rock bottom before and it’s hard to pick yourself up and move on. But we have to. We have no choice. We can sit around and feel sorry for ourselves but what good would that do. That won’t achieve anything. Self- pity does no one any good. We have to fight. We have to fight for what we want. We have to stay strong and keep going. That’s life.

Congratulations to the Royal Couple!!! :D

I just found out that the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting a baby. It was announced by St James’ palace today that the Duchess of Cambridge is 3 months pregnant. Congratulations to the happy couple! It is a truly special moment and I wish them the best of wishes from the bottom of my heart in their pregnancy. Spending time shadowing a midwife has allowed me a small insight into the joy and miracle that is bringing new life into the world. It never ceases to amaze me! It is a wonderful heart-rendingly beautiful journey for a couple to share together and a beauty and inspiration to witness such deep love. Good luck to the couple and I wish mother and baby the best of health. 

Changing my outlook in life including the 'pursuit of happiness'

There's only so much you can learn in one place

The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

I haven't got much time to waste

It's time to make my way

I'm not afraid of what I'll face

But I'm afraid to stay

I'm going down my road and I can make it alone

I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own

Jump

Madonna

The first part of this song has never been truer than at this point in time for me. I have been going through a period of self-evaluation and critique. This year at uni has been very different to my last. I feel like I am growing as person. I am learning so much about people and also about myself. I guess when I started thinking of my life I felt unhappy for a multitude of reasons. I felt upset, lonely but I’d never say I was depressed. I had one thing, I had my degree. No matter what I am going through in my personal life, I can step into hospital, PBL or lectures and leave my problems at the door. This was my saviour. It gave me hope. I could throw myself into the adrenaline rush and genuine satisfaction and love that I have for medicine. I see something every day that keeps me going and gives me strength.

I felt very miserable at times. I felt hopeless and kept thinking that my life was ****. I kept thinking that surely there was more to life than this. I know this may sound like classic depression symptoms, but as a medical student I know what people who were depressed felt like. I didn't feel like that. I didn't feel suicidal or so low I feel like giving up. Even if I am upset, I still get myself up in the morning and can’t wait to get outside and away from my whirring thoughts and just start a new day. Maybe this is escapism, but nonetheless I never ever felt my life had no meaning.

It’s my personal and social life that makes me unhappy. I realised that it’s too late to actually change things but I can change my outlook in life. That is something a new friend of mine taught me. He said that we judge our lives and happiness by comparing it to others and what we see around us. That’s why so many people are unhappy. I knew it to be true in a superficial sense but never really thought about it deeply. Usually when something big and life changing happens, you stop and think and assess your life. Who am I? What do I want? What makes me happy? Is this it? I thought about the implications of what my friend said. I realised that if I assessed my life as its own entity, instead of comparing it to others and what ’everyone else’ is doing, I can be so much happier. I stopped and thought for a second. Wait, I have good health, a comfortable life materially, a strong supportive family network, a few God sent friends and an amazing potential career which can literally take me as far as I want it to. I also try to be a good person, have an open mind and do the right thing. No matter what life throws at me I try and maintain some integrity and dignity.

I also thought about happiness. As an entity and whether I was happy. When we go about our busy lives we hardly stop and think about whether we are happy with our life and the way things are going. It’s only when something happens that you stop and think about it. I think like everyone I never really appreciate what I have and instead see what other people’s lives are like and therefore feel dissatisfaction in mine. This is a weakness that my parents have consistently reminded me and my brother not to succumb to. I also remember reading one day in an article online

“It may seem a rather depressing, fatalistic view, but … I don’t believe any of us has the ‘right’ to happiness.”

Bel Mooney, journalist and broadcaster

This I believe is a really strong bold statement that is quite controversial and as Bel herself reflects is quite depressing. We all do believe that we are entitled to happiness and that it is a right. The Declaration of Independence in the USA takes this concept even further and says that

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Rights that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness”

I have always never questioned this before. I have always thought we all deserve to be happy. It was always something people said. Right up until a few weeks ago I believed that we all were entitled to this. But why do we deserve to be happy? In essence if we think about it as a concept, we don’t deserve anything. We have to find it and earn it through our own determination and hard work. In the same way we do with everything else in life that we want. I never thought I deserved to be a doctor. I worked hard and did my best and earned my place at medical school. I believe the same is true with other concepts such as love and happiness. We aren't entitled to it. We shouldn't expect things to fall into our hands. If we want it hard enough we have to earn it. I think once we stop thinking that we deserve happiness it takes the pressure off trying to attain it. There isn't this dark cloud hanging over us. There isn't this expectation that we have to try to realise. When that cloud is lifted we can be more appreciative of life and what we have. We are all living in a dog eat dog world, where survival of the fittest is never more important. But instead of having bigger muscles and cut throat survival instincts, the new differential is money. We don’t deserve anything, we have to work our ***** to survive, in the literal and metaphoric sense of the word. 

The poor little cat outside :(

Just half an hour ago, the most curious thing happened. Me and my flatmate had gone out for dinner and came back to find a black cat outside our next door neighbour’s front door. Every time we took a step nearer to our door to go inside, it seemed to come closer as if to let itself into our house. I felt so sorry for it. I would’ve loved to have brought it inside and (after giving it a bath), let it curl up and make itself comfortable and at home in our house but me and my flat mate are terrified of cats. We were anxious that it’d get inside and we would then be in a state, flustered trying to get it out.

I am quite the superstitious one and have always believed that if a black cat crosses your path, it’s bad luck. The same as if you step on 3 drains in a row, it’s also bad luck and you have to turn around 3 times and spit to expel your bad luck. So I told my flat mate if it crosses you we’ll have to go somewhere and come back later. As we were hesitating by our front door, we watched this poor little thing, looking sad and forlorn on the doorstep. It seemed to be knocking on the door with its paw and trying to get inside. I felt my eyes well up with tears for this poor creature and knew I had to do something for it. I just felt so bad. This poor little thing was outside in the cold and alone and lost. I don’t know if it had a home or a family. I just hoped it would be okay.

When we went inside, I was eager to leave it a bowl of water, just in case it was thirsty. I don’t know what cats eat and I don’t have pets so don’t have any cat food to give it. So after much reluctance by my flat mate, I convinced her we should leave a bowl of water outside our door. I have been looking out of my front window every few minutes to see if it’s taken even a sip but I can’t see it now. I hope the cat is okay. It’s such a cold night and the little thing was all alone. I feel so sad thinking about it and hate the fact that if I wasn’t scared of cats, I’d welcome it into my house and make it feel safe and at home.  

Hospital

I’m in my second year at medical school and spend 2 days a week in hospital on placement. We are there from 8-4pm. It’s a long day and when you’re not used to the early morning starts and the long days constantly on your feet, it can be tiring. But we are all slowly getting used to it. I love hospital. It is my favourite 2 days of the week. I look forward to it and don’t mind the early morning starts. I remember before the clocks changed I’d get up at 5.45 am and it’d be cold and pitch black when I left the house. One of my housemates would tell me she’d hear me get up that early and would feel so sorry for me going out in the cold. Most people complain about it and sometimes if I went to bed late, I too would feel like crap the next day. But usually when my alarm wakes me up, I jump up and get ready thinking of what I may see and learn that day.  

We have a log book with a list of 30 cases and 18 KCEs that we have to get signed off. KCE stands for key clinical experiences and that includes clinics that we have to sit it on. The cases are a list of symptoms. They include jaundice, difficulty passing urine, shortness of breath and chest pain. We have to meet patients who present with these symptoms.

The aim of our placement is to meet and speak to patients, take their medical history and perhaps if suitable carry out a clinical examination relevant to the appropriate system. We then have to find a doctor to present the history to, outlining what investigations we would carry out, differential diagnoses and potential treatment options. A differential diagnosis is a list of diseases that the patient could have that accounts for their symptoms and the purpose of the investigations is to eliminate all the things it cannot be and to confirm your diagnosis. We then get feedback on our history and then the doctor discusses the case in more detail with us.

This is my favourite part of the course. I love meeting patients and taking histories. We are put into firms (groups) that we go around in and at this stage they want us to take histories in groups of 2/3. That way we can feel more comfortable and allows us to learn from each other. In my firm, there are 5 of us - 2 guys and 3 girls. The 2 other girls like to work together and I work really well with the 2 guys. I think we all balance each other out. I ask the probing conversational questions and the guys are to the point and can direct the conversation and get the most out of the patient in an efficient way. One of the guys in my group isn’t the best communicator. He doesn’t have a warm or friendly manner with patients and often asks blunt to the point questions when taking histories. He cam’t wait to finish and just often appears bored. He’s not at all like that with us though. He is so funny and charming and has a warm cheeky sense of humour. He just doesn’t portray that amazing side to him with the patients. I love to have a chat with patients and I always come away from the consultation having learnt something. Whether it’s a bit more about life for the working classes or how different people reflect and deal with their diagnoses. I always feel so inspired about the strength of humanity in general and often feel my eyes well up with emotion. For example I met a wonderful man recently, who had just been told he may have an adenocarcinoma of the bowel and he just took it on his chin. He said that’s life and we just have to get on with it. What’s the point in worrying and getting upset, he said. I always come away from some histories feeling like life isn’t nearly as bad as it seems when there are people who have much bigger worries. Patients are always inspiring me and to me the satisfaction and joy you see when you give them good news is what you live for.  

I also love the diagnosis element to medicine. I love how you can have a list of symptoms and you have to put it together to work out what’s wrong. You use all the knowledge that you have learnt and are constantly learning to make a diagnosis and plan what investigations and treatments you’ll carry out. The guy I mentioned is amazing at this! He is just so smart and retains so much information and can access it so quickly and efficiently. He is just such a born clinician and I am always learning from him. We take most of our histories together and realise we have a great working and personal relationship. Everyone has such different skills and we should all learn from each other so we can be the best we can be.

I want to go home

5pm on a Friday evening. It’s November. It’s bitterly cold; rain is drizzling, hitting my glasses and blurring my vision as I make my way up the hill back to my house after my lecture. The street lights brighten the night sky and the rain water glistens like crystals on the pavements. The roads are full to the brim with traffic, cars full of people heading home after a long day at work excited for the week end. I walk up and down this hill to uni every week. I stand at the traffic lights, waiting for the little green man and take in the sight around me. I see a National Express Coach pass by, with London emblazoned in orange across the front. This coach is going home. If I jump on this coach, in a few hours I could be in London Victoria Station, in the heart of the amazing city that is London.

I think of what it’d be like in London right then. I dream of standing in a packed tube with all my fellow passengers, standing on the big escalators in our amazing underground tube network seeing people of all walks of life all around me. I dream of walking across Westminster Bridge with the houses of parliament lit up ahead and the water of the River Thames glistening with the reflected light from the buildings. I think of walking down Oxford Street surrounded by the lights and colours of the windows of all the biggest retailers from all over the world, selling clothes, shoes, bags. I would see excited shoppers with their latest purchases… I could sit in Parliament Square behind the big statue of Winton Churchill who guided our nation through a world war and see the beauty of Westminster Abbey beside me… I could walk down the Mall lined with street lights, paving the road to the magnificence of Buckingham Palace. I could sit by the Victoria Memorial in front of the palace and watch the cars all around me, throwing a coin over my shoulder while making a wish and feeling like I was in the centre of the world. I could go to Hyde Park, feel the grass in my toes and the chill winter air. I could pop into a warm Starbucks or Pret a Manger and buy a wonderful cup of hot chocolate and feel it warm my hands and throat as I take each sip. I could buy some of their delicious cakes and muffins and devour each bite with not a care in the world of how many calories are in it. I can watch all the black taxis rushing round late revellers to their desired destination. I could stand in front of the giant boards at London Victoria and see it change every second as a new train was coming or leaving its many platforms. This is my city. This is my London. This is my home.

In contrast to the slog, slow, lazy city I am at university in, London is my home. It is where I feel safe and part of something. I see a red post box, a picture of Big Ben or hear the familiar cockney slur and am right there again, instead of being here. I decided to go to university in a city away from home for a new start. I was full of hopes and dreams and was excited at this new chapter of my life. A year later, besides my academic life, there is not much here for me and I long to go home. Life here is not what I hoped at all. I am coutning down the days to Christmas when I can go back home to my beloved London and see my family. I look forward to curling up on my sofa at home with my family and catching up in front of the fire watching films and the football with a cup of tea.  

I can’t wait to see the familiar streets of my home town, to see it glistening with Christmas lights, to see all my favourite little shops and local land marks. I feel safe there. I feel it is my home.

Girls - new HBO drama

“I'm in the corner, watching you kiss her, ohh

I'm right over here, why can't you see me, ohh

I'm giving it my all, but I'm not the girl you're taking home, ooo

I keep dancing on my own”

- Dancing on my own, Robyn -

The heart breaking lyrics of the song ‘Dancing on my own’ sung by Robyn echo at the end of the third episode of Girls. Girls is a new HBO drama which has recently been brought to UK screens. It is set in New York and follows 4 girls in their early twenties as they experience of love, life and heartbreak.

A lot of American TV dramas often show the glamorous side of New York being presented as a land of opportunities, hope, new beginnings and exciting adventures whereas Girls presents the contrasting harsher realities. It shows that life is not always pretty and perfect and sometimes you can be faced with so many struggles and you just have to get through it. Often no matter how much you want something or how hard you try, sometimes it’s just not enough. We have to accept that sometimes things are out of our control. We have to just pick ourselves up and just get on with it. This is echoed in the lyrics of the Robyn song. In the series, Hannah the main character comes home after a terrible day and just puts on this song and dances around her bed room. This made me smile. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve done that. After a tough day or hours of curling up on my bed crying, sometimes you feel exhausted just being upset, so you just want to get it all out. A good song and dance feels good! It’s like you’re physically releasing the pain.

Girls follows Hannah, who is a university graduate who struggles to find paid work and is struggling to support herself after her parents withdraw financial support. Her love life also presents with difficulties where she is in an awful relationship with a guy who shows her very little genuine affection and care and sees her as a sexual object with whom he can play out his porn fantasies. She is compelled to stick at this relationship as he is all she has. She holds onto and accepts every scrap of affection he gives her however infinitesimal because that’s all the attention and love she feels she receives.

In contrast there is Hannah’s beautiful flat mate Marnie, who has a stable job and a loving caring and attentive boyfriend who would do anything to make her happy. Yet she is unhappy in her relationship and craves fun and excitement which is not in his nature. It’s interesting to see how Marnie has two things that ­Hannah craves while Marnie is unsatisfied with what she has. This shows that what can make one person very happy may not fulfil the needs of another.

Then we have Shoshanna an innocent and inexperienced girl who is unhappy about being a virgin and hopes to have sex. Lastly there is Shoshanna’s cousin from England who is a keen traveller who lands in America to seek support and stability after finding out she is pregnant. She is lost, confused and unsure about what to do with her life in light of her new news.

The 4 girls are very unalike and their experiences are vastly different but they could easily be someone we know in our world. I like this drama. It shows what it can often be like to be a young woman today. That it’s not always going to be sunshine and daisies. We can have an idea of what we hope but the reality can be somewhat different and often disappointing. And often we do things that we hope will make us happy and often that can be detrimental to our happiness but we may not realise this. I guess life is one big learning curve.

Taylor Swift

Her fourth album Red came out last week and since it’s been out I’ve been listening to bits and pieces of it each day and have a couple of tracks which I particularly love:

Begin Again

We are never ever getting back together

Everything’s changed ft. Ed Sheeran

I have always loved Taylor Swift. I know I’m probably a bit older than her average fan base but her music is just easy to listen to and she always writes about things that I can relate to – young love, heart break and hope. I love her soft country pop sound and the fact her lyrics just speak honestly and openly about what means most to her.

These three tracks stand out to me at the moment. Begin Again is a great song about hope. It’s about moving on and finding love after heartbreak. It’s a great song for me at the moment. We are never ever getting back together is just a great fun anthem for girls!

Everything’s changed is my favourite at the moment. It’s been on replay all night! As I write this, it’s playing in the background right now. I’d never have put Ed Sheeran and Taylor Swift together. The same way that I’d never have put Dolly Parton and Norah Jones together but somehow it just works. Although they both tend to write about similar themes of love and heart break their styles are very different. But here their voices just work so well together and the song is just beautiful. The sound is very Ed Sheeran. You can hear Taylor swift do all the little tricks that Ed Sheeran does with his voice. There’s a particular bit in the song when Taylor sings “And all I feel in my stomach is butterflies the beautiful kind. Making up for lost time, taking flight, making me feel right” where you can hear Ed Sheeran’s style coming through. This bit is my favourite and gets me every time.

But it just works so well. It’s such a cute song. The lyrics echo that attention to detail that both artists have when it comes to writing about love. They have that way of making your heart melt with their words.

Yet another post about LOVE :D

Today I had a discussion with one of my friends about love. He is in my year at university doing the same course as me. He told me that I was stupid and naive to believe in real love and that he thought it didn’t exist. Maybe he was trying to be a ‘lad’ and appear macho but he told me that I was deluded and that real life isn’t like Twilight or the Notebook or P.S. I Love You. I told him one day he’d fall in love and that if I knew him when that happened I’d say I told you so. He laughed. Although I’ve had two failed relationships and have been hurt very badly, I haven’t given up on love. I am still young and I hope to meet someone new and have that feeling again.

We were both waiting to go into clinic together at hospital and if I had two hours I could’ve easily persuaded him that love existed and that one day when the right person walked into his life, he would feel it and he’d know it. He laughed again. I told him one day he’d find a woman that he will see as more than just a sexual object and that he will genuinely care for her and want to be with her. He said he gets bored really easily and that that was unlikely. He told me he couldn’t be bothered with relationships.

But it got me thinking about how different people can have such different views on the topic of love. I got thinking about what love is and what it means to me. I think the different views on love depend strongly on age and personal experiences of it as well as your individual needs as a human being. With changing hormones and needs, people’s views and feelings of love adapt to meet the changes. I can’t quite define it but I have lots of quotes which seem to reflect in words exactly what I am feeling and what it means to me.

I watched The Lucky One last week, a romantic film about an ex-marine who finds love after finding a photo that proves a lucky charm and inadvertently saves his life. This quote from the film particularly stood out to me.

“She was struck by the simple truth that sometimes the most ordinary things could be made extraordinary, simply by doing them with the right people...”

― Nicholas Sparks ―

I like this quote and I realised that it made perfect sense to me.  I remember in my last relationship of which unfortunately most of it was long distance, my ex asked me while we were apart, what I look forward to doing most when we see each other again.  I remember saying that I really wanted to walk down the street with him and also just do simple things like going to Tesco with him. Even though both of these seem like completely normal everyday things and can often be taken for granted by couples, it was something I looked forward to doing with him because I just wanted to be with him. It didn’t matter what we did, as long as I was with him, it’d be special.

I am currently reading Bared to you, an erotic novel by Sylvia Day. A particular line in the novel stood out to me. I remember reading it and the words stayed with me.

“I’ve always seen you, angel. From the moment you found me, I’ve seen nothing but you.”

― Sylvia Day ―

I found this quote simply heart-warming. That when you find someone that you love, everything that you previously may have thought of or wanted goes out of the window and the love that you feel for that person overwhelms you. It takes over your senses until it consumes you. Also I like the idea that someone can rescue you, not in a needy or dependent kind of way. I like the idea that it’s as if you can be wondering along – lost and alone and someone comes along and notices you and sees you for the first time. They ‘find’ you.  You are no longer just you but you have been noticed by someone.

Another quote which I really like is from the film Like Crazy which I mentioned in my previous post.

“To you who made me see things I could never see alone”

― Drake Doremus, Ben York Jones ―

In the film, the main female character is a keen writer and keeps a journal of her romance and dedicates it to her love in the inscription. I thought this quote was so beautiful in its meaning and simplicity. This is something I strongly believe in. I believe that a good love is one where you appreciate and learn things that couldn’t see on your own. In a way the person you are with opens your eyes and you see things with a new perspective. Whether it’s a different outlook or mind set, they can bring out positive things in you that the world may not fully get to appreciate when you’re single.  

Like Crazy

Last night I watched a heartrendingly beautiful independent film called Like Crazy. It follows the story of Anna and Jacob two young adults who meet at L.A. University. She’s a budding journalist on exchange from England and he has a passion for designing and building furniture. She had noticed him in her classes and after plucking up the courage, she left him a message on his car - giving him her number and telling him how she felt. He calls her and they arrange to meet for coffee. This is the start of their long complicated but intense relationship. As a writer she had always struggled with wording her emotions and instead kept a journal of photos and thoughts as their relationship progressed and about what her relationship had meant to her. She would more often than not show him these instead of telling him. However their happiness is short lived as she was on a student visa and had to return home during the holidays. They both hated being apart and so on one occasion; she overstayed her visa instead of going home so that they could spend more time together. A decision with had severe consequences affecting several years of her life, when she was unable to return to the USA and thus fuelling subsequent rejections to grant her permanent stay.

This is a simple story of love in the real world. It’s not glamorous and neither character is perfect or beautiful like those out of a Jennifer Aniston movie. They are two people who are just like you and me who have normal jobs, ambitions and face life’s obstacles. They are just two people trying to make their way and find happiness at the same time. Anna and Jacob are two young people who are in love but cannot be together. Their love was so strong and mutual that the only thing that kept them apart was the physical distance from each other. He was unable to shift his budding business to be with her and she was unable to move to the USA. He’d travel to be with her and then fly back and continue his life. This was heart breaking to see. Sometimes obstacles in relationships aren’t solely within one’s self but sometimes the outside world can intervene. They both start seeing other people but always thought of the other and felt that what they had with each other meant so much more than what they’d had with anyone else. The emotional connection they had, devastated their subsequent relationships.

This film had me in tears throughout. I think the fact that it was a very low budget heavily improvised film made it more real and therefore easier to relate to. It made me see how beautiful LOVE can be. I believe that despite all you can see, achieve and experience in life yourself – no matter how successful you are in your job or financially, your successes in love can mean so much more. It goes straight to your heart.

I believe that one of man’s greatest achievements has always been the ability to love - the ability to love another with all your heart and to look beyond your needs and fulfil another’s wholly. To love someone truly incorporates the ability to appreciate and respect another person fully and learn from them. You can learn so much about yourself, about what is important in life through your love of others. As William Shakespeare wrote in A Midsummer Night's Dream ‘the course of true love never did run smooth’ but that’s the beauty of it surely. Love is a constant learning experience. It pushes you to your boundaries again and again and again. Hence why people fall in love and get heartbroken but if asked whether they’d do it all again, they’d say yes without hesitation. The feeling is unlike anything else in the world. It consumes you, possesses you, and goes right through to your soul. It’s amazing!

How to make Simple Mashed Potato

A popular British invention, this has now become a regular component of my meals several evenings a week. It’s such a quick and simple thing to make and fills me up quite well too. I used to be really bad at making mash and because one of my housemates last year was Irish, I was reluctant to keep trying to avoid further embarrassment. She is such a natural with potatoes and so effortless with a potato peeler too! I am so clumsy with cooking utensils. The first few times I made mash I used the potato peeler the wrong way round and wondered why it was so difficult.  I blamed the potato peeler! The first few times I made mas I either kept undercooking the potatoes or didn’t mash it for long enough and as a result there were so many lumps in it.

This year I’ve tried several more times and I’ve gotten much better at it and I’ve also learned how to use a potato peeler too. Mash is also quite cheap to make. I always buy a cheap 2.5kg Tesco everyday value bag which is less than £1. It lasts me for weeks.

Here’s how I make mash:

1.       Fill half a large pan full of water and allow to boil on medium heat

2.       Peel 2 medium sized potatoes using a potato peeler

3.       Using a knife, chop the potatoes into thin slices – this increases the surface area of the potato and allows it to soften quicker when boiled

4.       Add the sliced potato to the boiling water

5.       Allow the potatoes to simmer gently in the water for about 20/25 minutes

6.       Assess the softness of the potato by seeing how easy it is to break it using a fork. If it breaks easily, it’s soft enough to mash

7.       Drain the water from the pan

8.       Using a fork crush the potato and then slide your fork through the mixture to remove lumps and smoothen the texture

9.       Add 3 tablespoons of milk

10.   Add 2 teaspoons of butter

11.   Keep sliding the fork through the mixture until the mixture appears smooth, light and fluffy and there are no lumps visible. This should take 5-10 minutes maximum

12.   The mash is ready to plate and serve.

If you want to jazz your mash up a bit, you can grate some cheese over the mash at the end.

Alternatively you can grate the cheese into the mixture while mashing for a stronger flavour. Enjoy!

 

Cheryl Cole

It’s almost here - Cheryl Cole’s new autobiography. I have waited ages for this. It’s out tomorrow and you can bet that I’ll get a copy asap and read it from cover to cover!!!!

Cheryl Cole – love her or hate her she is arguably one of the most recognised British celebrities today. From humble roots, she has worked her way up using the best of what she has, often more determination and hard work than genuine musical talent, to get where she is today. She has carefully chosen a career path making good well-timed decisions to maximise her fame and celebrity status therefore bringing her lots of success. Besides this, the strength of her character which is evident from the dignified manner in which she handled her turbulent relationship with Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole has made her a respected smart and independent modern celebrity icon to young women today.

For these reasons I am a fan of Cheryl Cole. I have been a fan of hers for some years now since her divorce to footballer Ashley Cole, the deterioration of her physical health when she caught malaria after a trip abroad and then her subsequent hiring and firing as a judge on X Factor USA. It seemed as if this woman had gone through so many highs and lows in her life but has always dealt with things with such dignity, inner strength, composure and humility. She has a strength that is so often not evident in many of our celebrity ‘idols.’ Also she comes across as quite a normal woman who has a feisty yet simultaneously warm natural personality which is so refreshing on TV. After being bombarded with egos and eccentric often annoying personalities on TV shows, Cheryl was refreshing and likeable and not to mention stunningly beautiful. She was not beautiful in an intimidatingly hateful way that some girls would feel about attractive women but Cheryl possesses a beauty that young girls can respect and admire and take inspiration from. Her beauty gives her confidence and not an ego.

Although often her outfit choices gained much disapproval in the media, it is undeniable that Cheryl Cole is a trendsetter.  I am not immune to this. I remember a few years back I saw a photograph of Cheryl Cole wearing a pair of green trousers. I immediately went out to get some. I just thought it looked quite cool and different. I still do love those green trousers.

I have been reading the little extracts of her new book that the press have serialised and am now so eager to get my hands on the book and learn so much more about this interesting woman who most people have an opinion on. Whether good or bad, people have an opinion on her and this book may give people who are interested more of an insight into the woman behind the high profile celebrity face.  

The Great British Bake off

This has probably got to be one of the best shows on TV at the moment. It’s on every week and because I don’t have TV at uni, I eagerly anticipate when it will be on I player so I can catch up to see what amazing treats will be baked each week and who will be nominated.

At hospital, each morning they have handover, which is when the night staff inform the day staff of the events of the night before and give them updates on patients treatments and test results. This allows the day staff to be fully informed preparing them for that coming day. Handover is also a down time for the staff and they get to have a laugh with their fellow staff and talk about other things. A recent topic of conversation was the Great British Bake off and it’s surprising how many of the doctors watch the show and many also secretly enjoy baking too. They were all so inspired by this refreshing show which has now become a somewhat British icon that they all agreed that once a week one doctor would bring in home baked goods for the rest of the staff.

All the contestants battle it out in 3 rounds where they will ranked by the judges – the delightful Mary berry and the sharp Paul Hollywood in order of worst to best. Then the judges will pick a ‘star baker’ and one person to send home. One of the contestants is a critical care consultant and there is also a medical student participating too. So I am hoping one of them will win!

After watching an episode of the show I am always so inspired to bake. I enjoy baking at home but at uni I rarely have time to set aside to bake. It’s always such an amazing feeling when you put in the effort to make something from scratch and the outcome is good or better than you expected. On the show they’ve made so many exciting things that I am eager to try – tarts, biscuits, pies, flatbreads, tortes, doughnuts and many many more. I’d love to be a good baker someday!!!

 

 

Mother and Child

Last week, my flatmate and I decided to have a movie night. We huddled up on the sofa and decided to watch a movie. We hadn’t done that in a long time and it was Saturday night and after a long hard day of doing uni work we decided to take the evening off. We decided to watch Mother and Child. This was a beautiful film about 3 families and their different experiences of motherhood.

The story began with 14 year old Karen who after having sex for the first time finds herself pregnant. She decides to give her baby up for adoption, a decision which will stay with her and affect much of her adult life. Karen grows up and as an adult tends to the care of her frail and elderly mother. She is unhappy and lonely and often thinks about the child she gave up long ago.

Then we meet Elizabeth. She is hard working, career driven, successful and independent. She was given up for adoption and has a bad relationship with her adoptive mother. She is strong and solitary and an in my eyes an inspiring character. She talks of her childhood and how she was never ever ‘part of sisterhood.’ Girls were often intimidated by her and didn’t like her. She had multiple casual sexual relationships in her adult life to stem her loneliness including with her widowed boss. They develop feelings for each other. She becomes pregnant and decides to bring up the baby, despite being unsure who the father is.

Then we meet Lucy, a married woman who is unable to conceive and decides she wants to adopt. But after a failed adoption arrangement and her husband’s lack of enthusiasm about adoption in general, her marriage ends, with him leaving her. The 3 three main characters are not all unique in their experiences but the uniqueness in the characters are what gets them through the troubled times. They are all very different but it’s interesting to see how your experiences give you the strength to deal with anything. As human beings we are constantly adapting and learning and changing.

Elizabeth is my favourite character. She was played by the amazing Naomi Watts who conveys with such conviction Elizabeth’s strength and independence. What I loved about Elizabeth was that she was a no ‘b*******’ kinda girl who wasn’t going to take any nonsense from anyone. She was always the outsider but made a life for herself though her sheer strength and determination. She was always judged by others through life and hated when people made assumptions about her when they didn’t even know her. To the outsider, she appears cold and disconnected but that was a result of years of disappointment and upset. It was so nice to see this character unravel throughout this movie. To see how happy she was when she became pregnant and was given a new lease of life and hope. Although she was alone and had no close family or friends to speak of, she didn’t let affect her. She just carried on with life and didn’t mope or feel sorry for herself. This shows such courage and inner strength.

Lucy’s story began with such heart breaking experiences. She was unable to conceive naturally and that made her feel ’worthless.’ She couldn’t have the one thing that she wanted. To see her pain and to know that fertility can sometimes be luck of the draw was such a harsh reality. As human beings the need to reproduce is a carnal human need. Some people say that’s our ultimate purpose on earth to continue the race. Some people are so lucky and can conceive straight away. Some people conceive without even trying while others struggle and that affects their relationships. Fertility can be cruel and unfair and your luck can affect your life’s course. Some women say that you haven’t lived until you become a mother and that that’s the most fulfilling thing you can do. Others say that for those who decide not to have children you have the opportunity to fulfil your full potential as a human being. Especially in today’s society after so many changes with women getting more rights, women have so many more opportunities. It’s possible now for a woman to achieve so much more than was possible just a few decades ago.

This was a really beautiful film that was so inspiring. With a bitter sweet ending, this is such a great film that highlights the harsh reality of the difficulties that people go through in life. It also shows how as humans we have the remarkable capability to grow strength and courage and can deal with so much and still retain our inner strength.

 

At a cross roads...

It’s interesting how change happens. When you think you are so sure of the world around you and of your situation, something can come along and knock you off balance and send you spiralling in another direction that you didn’t even know were possible. I was dealing with things. I had learned to move forward. I learnt to leave the past in the past and move on with my life. I was struggling but I took each day as it came and dealt with issues as they arose. I am one of those who likes to plan and be prepared for any given situation should they arise but when the situation does arise I am back to square one and don’t know what to do. Some situations can catch you off guard and then when you have time to process events, you can make the right decision. Should I follow my heart or go with my head? If I was stupid enough to follow my heart, I’d regret so much. So I go with my head instead, at least I do most of the time. I rationalise and think and often do what is best for me rather than what I want at that precise moment in time. Often what I want changes and I get caught up in the moment and make bad choices. So I try and think objectively and go with the right decision. I go with what is the right thing to do. It may not be the best decision at the time but often when I look back I feel stronger and more confident that that is the best decision for me and that makes me happy. I think now with a new fresh perspective and knowledge I can finally put the past behind me and move on. I feel free.

I realise that at this moment in time, I am at an interesting cross roads. I am so happy doing the course I am doing. Medicine continues to surprise me every day and I love the adrenaline rush that I get when I am at hospital. I am on ICU at the moment and often a lot of the medicine is very varied and you will not know what you’ll be faced with from day to day. One day you can be faced with an OD, the next you can see someone with alcohol withdrawal seizing as a result of developing Delirium Tremens. The doctors are pushed to their limits and have to use all their knowledge, experience and skills from all their years at medical school and training to treat the patient in front of them. This is incredible! I am only in 2^nd year and each day we learn something new and that adds to the reservoir of knowledge that we have that one day we will hopefully be able to use. These are real people and without medical intervention, they will die! That’s the harsh reality. Often the medicine you see in ICU is advanced and acute and the doctors have to act fast. I am still at that stage where I love everything that comes with being a doctor – I admire their skills, knowledge, experience and hard-working ethic. I hope one day I can be like that.  

I am in hospital 2 days a week and have to wake up at 5.45 to get the bus at 7.50 and then I get back around half 5ish. It’s a long day but I love getting up in the morning. Yes, it’s pitch black and cold but I love the fact that don’t know what I will see and learn about that day and I will get to meet some amazing inspiring individuals who have gone through hell but still come out fighting and stronger than ever.

I can feel the adrenaline rush of excitement as all the doctors hush around the patient, analysing the patients’ saturations and looking at x rays and findings from CT scans and blood tests. It’s about using everything that you know and have access to and piecing it all together to figure out what’s wrong. Only then can you can fix the problem. It’s like a jigsaw. You have all the pieces but when you piece them all together you will finally get the bigger picture. At first you try and you don’t succeed because the pieces don’t fit but eventually they do and the patient can get better and go home to their life and their families.

Each day on the bus journey on the way home, we like to talk about the exciting things we’ve seen and learnt and share perspectives and experiences. By the time we all get home we are buzzing with a new rush of adrenaline get stuck into our work for the coming week.

A really great guy

I’ve met someone on my course that I really like. I am in my second year and last year I had no idea who he was. He is in my PBL group as well as my hospital group this year so we spend a lot of time together. He has dark brown hair and the most beautiful light green eyes. He is tall and quite thin but not starved looking. He has a really cute sense of humour and is always laughing and telling jokes. He is smart too, which is always a bonus. At hospital, he always knows his stuff and always impresses the doctors with his sense of humour, confidence and eagerness to answer questions. He is also really friendly and looks out for everyone in our study group. When some of us in the group didn’t have enough money for lunch one day, he was quick to pay for everyone and when I was feeling queasy on our first day of hospital cos we were on our feet for hours, he asked if I was okay and looked out for me. When we took a history from our first patient at hospital, I was really nervous and didn’t know quite how to proceed with the physical examination. In my nervous state, my mind went blank and I panicked but he whispered to me that it was okay and guided me through it. He was polite, encouraging and a real gentleman. I felt so much calmer afterwards. He also has a really beautiful smile with a hint of cheekiness that I just find so adorable.

In PBL, everyone in my group is always quick to jump in with their knowledge to show off but he is quiet and listens to everyone and contributes occasionally. Although he knows his stuff and is always prepared, he doesn’t feel the need to dominate or show off and sits back and lets the show offs in the group talk. I like this about him.

When I like someone I like to find out their surname. I dunno why but it’s something I always do as soon as possible and I find that it’s always a good thing if they have a nice surname. His surname is Pears as in like the fruit. It’s just short, sweet and simple. It’s a really nice name. He is also well travelled and knew a lot about my background from my surname. My name is Sri Lankan and often people read it and just assume that because it is ‘strange’ sounding and from the colour of my skin, I must be Indian. But he asked if I was Sri Lankan going by my name and went on to tell me about how he and his family have travelled there before and that his Dad spent a few months working there. He also said that his mum likes to cook Sri Lankan food at home. How amazing is that? I was so impressed and couldn’t help smiling.

On Thursday night, our uni held a medics event where we get to meet the first year mecics. I went along and got to dance with him. It made my night! :D I knew he was going and was looking forward to seeing him there but didn’t think I’d get to dance with him. He’d not really a ladies man and tends to stick with his guy mates who he is comfortable around. I was sooo happy I got to dance with him and couldn’t stop smiling for the rest of the night. One of my closest friends was there too and she was really happy for me. She was used to seeing me really upset and deflated for a while now after my relationship starting deteriorating and then when it ended and she was happy to see that I was happy. I know it may seem so soon to be moving on, but I do need to move forward. I know my relationship is over and that breaks my heart whenever I think about it. Sometimes when I least expect it, I come across something which triggers a memory of us and I find myself bursting into tears. It’s been a month now and I’m sure he will have moved on and forgotten all about me but I can’t help it. So I need to pick myself up and move forward with my life. There’s no point dwelling on the past and making msyelf upset as a result. I need to focus on my future. I have so many good things to focus on. I am getting stuck into the course and my hospital days are great! I learn loads and it really pushes me to my academic limits. I love it and I am also meeting new people which is great!

I don’t know whether anything will happen between us or if we’ll be good friends, because we get on really well, but I’d like to take each day as it comes and find out. I love the feeling when you meet someone you like and when you see them, they brighten up your day you get that warm fuzzy feeling inside and you can't help but blush and smile with happiness :D

Christmas is just around the corner

I know it’s only September but I can’t wait for Christmas. It’s my favourite time of year. Although I’m a Hindu we still celebrate Christmas. I remember the exciting feeling while I was growing up, on the night of Christmas Eve when my parents would send us all up to bed and me and by brother could hardly contain our excitement for Christmas Day. Then we’d wake up on Christmas morning and rush downstairs to see what Santa had left for us. We were always so excited to see all the neatly wrapped assortment of boxes in all shapes and sizes under the tree. We’d rush to wake our parents and later open one at a time, exclaiming in delight at the sheer surprise and happiness at what we got. My parents would always go to great lengths to make each Christmas memorable for us. Thinking back, it’s interesting how we would modify traditions ever so slightly as me and my brother got older but Christmas is still special for me. I love spending that special day with my family, eating lots of mince pies and Christmas pudding with warm custard, huddled up by our open log fire watching Christmas films. My all-time favourite Christmas film has to be Home Alone. I love this! Every year me and my brother would look out for when it was on TV and watch it. They put it on every year and every year we’d watch it. It’s just such a happy family film and the soundtrack is amazing! ‘Rocking around the Christmas tree’ has to be my favourite Christmas song of all time. I love putting this on and dancing round my room as Christmas approached. In the afternoon, we’d all make Christmas dinner together. I’d put on a Christmas playlist of my favourite songs and dance round the house getting everyone in the festive spirit. It really is the best time of year!  I hope that someday when I have my own family I will get to share this experience with my kids and me and my husband can watch their happy excited faces when they open their presents on Christmas morning.

Some of the shops in town have already started selling trees. I can’t wait for when they put up the big tree in town and then the shops will start selling Christmas gift sets and wrapping paper and decorations. Then in the run up to Christmas, town will be packed with excited shoppers wrapped up warm in thick coats and hats rushing to get last minute gifts for loved ones. I love this time of year. The buzz is like none other!

Last year for Christmas me and my flatmates put up a little tree in our kitchen at halls and made Christmas dinner together. We put on Santa hats which had flashing lights and opened a bottle of rosé and cooked a proper meal together. It was so nice. We had a really great evening. It was so special. I had a great evening with two of my closest most special friends. It’s one of those nights that you’ll always remember. I can’t wait to do the same with my new housemates who I am living with this year.

 

 

Home decorating

When you move into a new place, it’s always nice to make it homely so it becomes your own space. When you move in its usually bare, empty and devoid of any personality but as you spend more and more time in it and fill it with your things, it becomes your home and no longer just a house.

I moved into my new house 5 weeks ago. It’s where I live during term time and I’ll be here for a year. I am one of those that spends quite a bit of time in my room. With my course being intensive my head tends to be stuck in a book for most of the day. Many people I know prefer the library but I like being in my room. I like to be surrounded by things which I am familiar with and that makes me feel comfortable. And whenever I am tired or hungry, I can just pop into the kitchen and make a cup of tea or a snack and get back to work. I have so many pictures from previous holidays on my walls which always brightens up my mood as well as pictures of my friends and family and people who are important to me. I also have a few posters too.

I’ve never seen myself as much of an interior designer tbh but I thought I’d try and make a little effort this year in my new house. I share with 2 others and one has lots of nice little ornaments and bits and bobs in her room and I thought I’d try that out. My room at home is a bit more coordinated but has lots of things which I have gotten from my travels so it’s mix of colour and cultures. There’s no consistent colour theme or style. I thought I’d go for a red theme for my room to match my red lamp and poster of Joe hart, who is all kitted out in red. So on Friday I headed to Wilkinson and Home Bargains on a mission to get some things for my room. It was exciting. I felt all grown up. I went around the shop looking at all the pretty ornaments and got some really cute things. Home Bargains and Wilkinson are really good value for money too and as a student, it’s great for some simple home comforts. My parents like shopping for home furnishings at John Lewis. I like John Lewis too and whenever I’m there I always hope that one day I’ll be able to afford to shop there and get my house kitted out in some of their fancy ornate albeit rather overpriced ornaments. I hope to have a clean, tidy home which is all colour and style co-ordinated and mature looking. I have always dreamed of having a plush apartment in the city with a minimalistic modern décor of browns, beiges and whites. But I’d brighten it up with some personal touches like photos, art, a book shelf and maybe also a movie wall with all my favourite DVDs as well as ornaments from different cultures that I'd bring back with me from my travels. I love seeing all the young couples in John Lewis buying things for their home. It makes me smile and hope that one day I’d be doing the same thing maybe going around the store with one of those clicky things picking items for my wedding list.

Here’s what I bought:

 

The vase, flowers and wall art were from Wilkinson. The vase was £3. The Flowers came separately. The white blossoms were £1.25 and the red ones were £1.50. It was cheaper to buy the vase and flowers separately than to buy a vase and flowers combo ornament. I looked at the all the flowers and tried them out to see which ones looked nice together. I thought the white and red flowers worked well together rather than just having flowers in one colour. The cushion was £3.99 from Home Bargains. I liked the pleat detailing. The wall art was £3. That’s such a bargain! It’s a simple generic flower design but I thought it looked pretty. I thought all the colours worked well together and gave my room a little spot of colour. I was so surprised at how cheap the things in Wilkinson and Home Bargains were. The quality isn’t great and they may not have a classy expensive look but it brightens up my room and gives it some much needed colour amongst all the books, clothes and general mess everywhere! :D