A reflective quote

 "Don't Worry. Everything that happens happens mostly without you." 

Anonymous 

This is a quote loved by the author of a series that I am reading in the Guardian online called 'a marriage in recovery.' It tells the experiences of an anonymous writer whose husband is an alcoholic. She is married with 3 children and the series explores her experiences, difficulties and emotions living with her alcoholic husband. It is a very enlightening series and highlights the effects that alcohol has on the family unit and also on marriage. Often these can be overlooked as especially from a medical perspective. As a medical student, I am taught about the harm it does on a person's body but often the social implications of dependency can be far more long lasting and perhaps difficult to reverse. 

I particularly liked this quote as it shows that often when we are dealing with the effects of another's behaviour, we take it personally. We get hurt and upset and let what they say and do get get right into our soul and this is heartbreaking. Whether it's a partner's addiction, infidelity or bullying at school or in the work place, often if we step back and just think for a second, why do we take it so personally? Why do we let it consume us? Often if it was another person in our place receiving this harm instead, the same thing would happen ... right? It is not our fault and is a problem with the person who is causing the harm. We are just unfortunately the one caught up in it.

In other words, things happen with/without our input so we should just chill out a bit and distance ourselves emotionally sometimes. This perspective helped me a lot when dealing with being hurt or let down by other people. What do you think? 

A clash of two worlds

I moved into private halls last Sunday. I had lived in uni halls during my first year where fortunately I was placed with two girls who I clicked very well with. We got on well and spent a lot of time together. One of them has become a best friend and I still keep in regular contact with her. I moved into a student house during my second year. I was excited at this prospect as I had never lived in a house with friends before. I came to love the peace, quiet and space that a house had and I had the environment I needed to work hard for my second year. Now I am in my third year and have moved into private halls again.

I feel like this summer has given me time and space and experiences to think about who I am and what I want. I know this “finding yourself” thing sounds cliched but I believe that we all do need to find ourselves. Some take off to a foreign land, some just need a holiday or time at home or just freedom from other pressures of life. Whatever the setting we all need space to sort out our thoughts and just think. We need to find out who we are, what we like and to accept this. Often the last part is the most important thing. We may not be able to accept who we are. This may sound crazy. But for a long time I wanted to do what everyone else did because I thought it’d truly make me happy as I would be with other people and feel less alone. I hated that I was in a small flat and didn’t have many friends and spent a long time wanting more friends, more experiences, more popularity. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing as I felt somewhat different for not having all those experiences. I will leave the word experiences to your own interpretations.

Now I am living in a flat of seven where four of them are insane party animals. These four know each other. Of the other two, C is more chilled out and S has not moved in. It’s disheartening. In first year I would’ve done anything to be with such people but now I don’t feel that way. I would’ve dreamed of going out every night, kissing lots of guys, being the cool free popular girl. But my inhibitions prevented this and slowly as I came out of my shell I started to realise I like my comforts. I like to read, watch TV, watch movies, visit galleries. The only sadness is that I feel left out. They know each other so talk of people and places and subjects that I know little about. I am polite, I make conversation, I try to be part of it so I don’t get treated like an outsider but somehow I feel as though I am lagging behind. Today the four had all decided to go out to a gay club. They invited C but not me. I had a shower, popped on a dress and tights and did my hair. I got ready. I had plans already but I’d have still liked to have been asked anyway. They didn’t know of my plans.

They were getting ready. They blared out what I can only describe as ‘rave’ music. It was so loud! I feel like a granny saying this, but it really was uncomfortably loud. I then met a friend, D and together we walked to K, M and J’s house. K is one of my best friends and she moved in with M and J and since then we have gotten to know M and J too. It’s always nice to meet friends of friends and broaden our friendship circle and meet new people. K, M and J live in a house with a garden and tonight they lit a fire in the garden and we sat around drinking wine and hot chocolate and eating celebrations and popcorn. We shared stories, anecdotes and jokes having a truly relaxing evening.

The fire was crackling in the background, bright yellow in the increasing darkness. M had lit tea lights and placed fairy lights around her garden dining set so it felt warm and homely. The flames danced illuminating our faces as we sat around huddled together in blankets. I often hate social situations and shun them for more homely comforts but I soon forgot I was among new friends and acquaintances and felt comfortable. I laughed and smiled and realised that I was enjoying myself and not smiling at the right times for pretences. It was a perfect evening in a lovely setting. It was a far cry from my halls. This reaffirmed that I love homely comforts. I love a home environment, good conversation with similar people and feeling part of something. 

How will I get through a year at this halls?