Reflection

It’s been 9 days since I ended my relationship. I’ve been getting stuck into my work and making the most of my opportunities. I am living in a new house in my 2^nd year with new flatmates I’ve made some new friends and am starting a new academic year learning lots of new things. This year we are starting our hospital placements too. Each week we have 2 days of placement at a local hospital. I start my placement on Wednesday and am excited to see what the physicians and surgeons have in store for us.

I guess even with all the exciting new things and being busy, sometimes when I am on my own and have time to think, I think about my relationship and am consumed by sadness and regret at what could have been. I know I did everything I could to save our relationship and only then did I end it. I knew I did the right thing and that this was the best outcome in a very bad deteriorating hurtful situation. It was not what I wanted but this outcome was inevitable because we didn’t want the same things.

I guess it’s hard to just forget and move on. I let him into my life; we shared our thoughts, perceptions of the world around us, our dreams and insecurities. He understood me and never have I been so open and comfortable with another person as I was with him. He wasn’t perfect. He had his flaws and insecurities too but I cared for him and loved him and wanted to be with him. I loved spending time with him, learning something new about him each day, falling more and more in love with him. But it was his insecurities that partly led to our relationship breaking down. I guess it’s not healthy thinking about what could’ve been or dwelling on the good times or thinking why did it all go so very wrong? I think of how I felt when we first met and our first two dates and of how we got to know each other slowly over time. The eagerness, the excitement and the prospect of getting to know someone… Not knowing what would happen but excited all the same. Now it’s all gone. It’s just a memory. Now all I have are a few gifts: the empty bottle of the champagne we bought, his bracelet that he gave me, the best of our text messages saved on my phone memory and the photographs. The photographs are the saddest part. Some make me smile, some make me laugh and others make me cry. It was the memories of us at moments in time when it just felt so right. We’d spend hours together in my room and the whole day would pass. Time was irrelevant. It was as though time stood still and we were the only two people in the world. Sometimes when we were together, I’d forget that there was a world outside my room, outside my house. But when he was with me, only he mattered. Only the time we had. Then he would leave and I’d be sad. I had never felt so alive at any other point in my life. I felt content and truly free for the first time in my life. He had this effect on me that was so hard to explain. With his words, his presence and his personality I felt truly happy just being with him. I enjoyed spending time with him and for me I’d be truly happy doing this for the rest of my life. I found someone truly special and he noticed me. I felt for the first time in my life that I wasn’t just a lost soul drifting aimlessly alone. Somebody found me. Somebody cared about me. But I wasn’t enough for him. Maybe I’m just not interesting enough or maybe just boring. He is starting university and he told me he didn’t want a relationship and that he wanted to ‘’see what else was out there’’. He wanted to go casual or be friends or whatever and see what happened. He wanted to explore other possibilities. That truly hurt. It broke my heart.

Writing this brings tears to my eyes and saddens me that I can’t give him what he needs. I put everything I had into our relationship but it just wasn’t reciprocated. What’s the point of trying to make something work when one person doesn’t want it anymore? I have no regrets. I know I've done nothing wrong. He just doesn't want to be with me. I’ve learnt some valuable lessons and that’s something that I can take with me into the future. I decided that it was best we both go our separate ways. and cut contact Having him in my life would only cause more pain and hurt. It upsets me that you make a connection with someone and then that’s it, it’s over and you go your separate ways. Two separate paths meet for a while and then divide, each moving in the opposite direction, leading to different destinations. Never again do these two paths that once shared a common route meet again. I guess I am one of those that lets few people into my life. So when I let someone in, they mean a lot and the thought of losing them scares me.

But they say that when one door closes, another one opens. At the moment I just can’t find the open door. For now I’ll just look out the window until I find the open door.