A clash of two worlds

I moved into private halls last Sunday. I had lived in uni halls during my first year where fortunately I was placed with two girls who I clicked very well with. We got on well and spent a lot of time together. One of them has become a best friend and I still keep in regular contact with her. I moved into a student house during my second year. I was excited at this prospect as I had never lived in a house with friends before. I came to love the peace, quiet and space that a house had and I had the environment I needed to work hard for my second year. Now I am in my third year and have moved into private halls again.

I feel like this summer has given me time and space and experiences to think about who I am and what I want. I know this “finding yourself” thing sounds cliched but I believe that we all do need to find ourselves. Some take off to a foreign land, some just need a holiday or time at home or just freedom from other pressures of life. Whatever the setting we all need space to sort out our thoughts and just think. We need to find out who we are, what we like and to accept this. Often the last part is the most important thing. We may not be able to accept who we are. This may sound crazy. But for a long time I wanted to do what everyone else did because I thought it’d truly make me happy as I would be with other people and feel less alone. I hated that I was in a small flat and didn’t have many friends and spent a long time wanting more friends, more experiences, more popularity. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing as I felt somewhat different for not having all those experiences. I will leave the word experiences to your own interpretations.

Now I am living in a flat of seven where four of them are insane party animals. These four know each other. Of the other two, C is more chilled out and S has not moved in. It’s disheartening. In first year I would’ve done anything to be with such people but now I don’t feel that way. I would’ve dreamed of going out every night, kissing lots of guys, being the cool free popular girl. But my inhibitions prevented this and slowly as I came out of my shell I started to realise I like my comforts. I like to read, watch TV, watch movies, visit galleries. The only sadness is that I feel left out. They know each other so talk of people and places and subjects that I know little about. I am polite, I make conversation, I try to be part of it so I don’t get treated like an outsider but somehow I feel as though I am lagging behind. Today the four had all decided to go out to a gay club. They invited C but not me. I had a shower, popped on a dress and tights and did my hair. I got ready. I had plans already but I’d have still liked to have been asked anyway. They didn’t know of my plans.

They were getting ready. They blared out what I can only describe as ‘rave’ music. It was so loud! I feel like a granny saying this, but it really was uncomfortably loud. I then met a friend, D and together we walked to K, M and J’s house. K is one of my best friends and she moved in with M and J and since then we have gotten to know M and J too. It’s always nice to meet friends of friends and broaden our friendship circle and meet new people. K, M and J live in a house with a garden and tonight they lit a fire in the garden and we sat around drinking wine and hot chocolate and eating celebrations and popcorn. We shared stories, anecdotes and jokes having a truly relaxing evening.

The fire was crackling in the background, bright yellow in the increasing darkness. M had lit tea lights and placed fairy lights around her garden dining set so it felt warm and homely. The flames danced illuminating our faces as we sat around huddled together in blankets. I often hate social situations and shun them for more homely comforts but I soon forgot I was among new friends and acquaintances and felt comfortable. I laughed and smiled and realised that I was enjoying myself and not smiling at the right times for pretences. It was a perfect evening in a lovely setting. It was a far cry from my halls. This reaffirmed that I love homely comforts. I love a home environment, good conversation with similar people and feeling part of something. 

How will I get through a year at this halls?