Alone

I just feel so alone. I surround myself with people, like to feel part of a group but really it’s just me. It’s always been that way and I feel no one gets me. Today all I needed was someone to take my side, to agree with me and support me for a change. My friend and my mother both failed in that. They weren’t here when I needed them. I needed them to agree with me. I needed them to say for once, you’re right, I understand what you’re saying. But they didn’t. They never do!

Most of my happy moments are experienced alone: a movie and popcorn on a Saturday night, watching my favourite TV shows, reading, daydreaming about where I’d like to go on holiday… all this I do alone. But once in a while, it’d be nice to share this with someone. I miss the warmth of another person beside me in bed, the feel of their arms around me, cuddled up, just us against the world, I miss the knowing smiles of first love and tender flirtation when it feels like the world is at your feet and anything is possible. I miss the dreaming of endless possibilities and hope.
I just need to escape for just a little while. In my mind I’m on a beach, a book in hand, the only person for miles around. My feet are in the warm sand watching the waves gently lapping at the shore. I miss waking up to the sound of traffic, people chattering, the hustle and bustle of city life trickling through my open window in the morning. This is the sound of life and the world alive and me a part of it. The bedroom window of my flat this year overlooks a car park.    

I dream of being wanted, needed, useful and liked. I think a part of all of us craves that. But sometimes I feel I want more. I know it’s petty and silly but I just feel so invisible.

I was lying in bed, curled up crying silently in my bed.

A good night’s sleep should help. And writing on here. I’m sorry I’ve been away for a long time. Busy schedules and increasing workload at university.