Pen pals

Hello my loyal readers,

Today I am going to tell you about my pen pals. I have 2 pen pals atm. A pen pal is someone that you write to regularly that you have not seen before. I joined an international pen pal site called interpals. I joined it back in February. You make a profile and list your interests, requests, favourite films, books and music etc and you can find like-minded people and message them. I have been messaging this one guy for about 2 months now and we’ve been messaging very regularly sometimes multiple times a day. We went from messaging on the site to emailing and it’s nice. I look forward to reading his messages and love the surprise when I notice that I’ve got new mail in my inbox. It reminds me a lot of the film ‘you’ve got mail.’ Cheesy I know!

My other pen pal is a girl that lives in the same city as me. It’s really cool how we both live in the same city and even have mutual acquaintances and we talk about places in our city that we’ve been to. When I go into town I look around and see if I can spot her. It’s silly cos I live in such a big city but just in case we bump into each other, I keep a look out.

Anyway, what I dislike about pen pals especially online pen pals is that we talk regularly, send each other cute innocent pictures and quickly become such a big part of each other’s lives, in the fact that we think of our pen pal during the day and what they’re up to and can’t wait to see what they’ve replied with. It’s all new and exciting but unfortunately we have never seen each other and may never do. I’d really like to meet both my pen pals. Especially the guy as we have become close, as close as you can be with the written word. It’s hard cos I don’t really know much about him and everything that I do know it what he tells me and that’s such a small part of the overall picture. It’s sad to think that I may never meet him, even after writing to each other for so long.  He doesn’t seem too keen to meet me. I think it may be fear that we may not get along and our expectations may be very different to the reality.

It’s strange to think that there is a person thousands of miles away that I have never seen, who is a part of my life. I don’t know how he walks, what his mannerisms are like, whether he is loud, shy, quiet, outgoing, does he smile a lot? What makes him cry? What he smells like? These are all things I may never know. 

P.S. Thank you to my two new followers for choosing to following me :) And as always thank you to my loyal long time followers :) 

An old native American quote ...

A grandfather said to his grandson: ‘My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside each one of us. One is evil: anger, fear, jealousy, greed, resentment, anxiety, lies and ego. The other is good: joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy and trust.’

The boy asked: ‘Grandfather, which wolf wins?’ Quietly, the old man replied: ‘The one you feed.’

Why am I always second best?

My ex called and we talked and the main thing I garnered from the conversation was that he wanted to get back together. We’d been talking on and off and texting and it’s been good. When the pressure’s off, we actually have a good ‘relationship.’ After we broke up, he started seeing someone but he hurt her and she decided she didn’t want anything to do with him. That’s why he wanted to get back together. I was so happy to hear from him and that he wanted to be with me but then I realised that the only reason he came running back was because she didn’t want him. He told me once before that she made him happier than me. I told him how I loved him and got a very lacklustre reply in return. Why am I second best? Even though a part of me wants to be with him, I have enough self-respect to not be second best to anyone and be used this way.

My first ‘love’ didn’t want me either at first. I remember we had a really good relationship but he never looked and treated me the same as the ‘pretty’ girls. He told me he didn’t think of me in that way. He then got turned down by other girls and then told me 3 years later that he wanted to be with me. If he had found anyone ‘better’ he wouldn’t have even thought of me. So here is another example of why I am second best.

What is wrong with me? Why am I never anyone’s first choice? Why am I always the second option? I want to be with someone who feels that they are with me because they want to be with me. Not because nothing better came along or as a last resort. Is that unreasonable? Should I just be happy that someone wants to be with me? And not ask for too much. 

A thought

I watched a really powerful film called ‘We need to talk about Kevin’ yesterday. It’s one of those films that hits you and makes you question things and you’ll find it consumes your mind trying to unravel and process some of the key issues and leads you to one of the big unanswered questions in life – why do people do the things that they do? Perhaps more significantly, why do some people do bad things? Sometimes people have no justification for their actions and despite ample time do not reflect or change their behaviour and continue to act in a certain deviant way.

After reading a review about the film, I also found myself thinking why does mankind or human nature more specifically try and find meaning in everything? Why don’t we just accept things happen as they are and leave it be? Does religion play a part in this?

“If it happened, why does it have to mean anything”

Life of Pi

Also this comes to mind:

“It's like this: you wake and watch TV, get in your car and listen to the radio you go to your little jobs or little school, but you don't hear about that on the 6 o'clock news, why? 'Cause nothing is really happening and you go home and watch some more TV and maybe it's a fun night and you go out and watch a movie. I mean it's got so bad that half the people on TV, inside the TV, they're watching TV. What are these people watching…”

We need to talk about Kevin

I found this quite a poignant observance. I don’t quite know what I make of it yet. What do you make of it?

Back to uni and second semester

It’s been a good while since I last posted something. It’s the start of a new year and this is my first post of 2013! I said good bye to a very tumultuous year and welcomed in a new year. So what has 2013 brought for me so far…

I have come back to uni after spending a really great 3 weeks at home with my family. I’d hoped to get a fair bit of revision done but unfortunately that didn’t happen. Instead we had family over so I spent time with them and enjoyed watching lots of Christmas TV and films and eating lots of chocolate and biscuit selection boxes. I think I visibly put on some weight but oh well! Christmas only happens once a year and while I’m at uni, I don’t get the chance to eat as much as I do while at home. I didn’t exercise at all either. But tbh I’ve never been an exercise freak. I have never been to the gym and only go swimming on holidays. The only time I run is for the bus and after that my muscles kill and I try to avoid such pushing myself. A friend asked me to go for a run with her in the mornings but why would I exert myself so much when I can sit in with the heating on and a cup of tea and watch Miranda on I player. I know I should be encouraging exercise as a medical student but I’d rather eat well and keep active by walking to uni etc rather than doing active exercise.

I’m currently without hot water atm! You never realise how much you rely on such things until they stop working. We’ve been without hot water for 2 days now and it’s difficult to do the washing up in ice cold water and we can forget showering! I hadn’t had a shower since Saturday and realised I had to do something about it cos I’m going to be in hospital tomorrow meeting patients. So I boiled lots of hot water in kettles and saucepans and filled my bath tub. I did my best but the water was going cold very quickly. It was such an uncomfortable experience – having a bath in cold/lukewarm water. I was shivering and couldn’t put my clothes on fast enough. But at least I’m fairly clean and won’t feel so conspicuous and uncomfortable tomorrow. My letting agent sent round a plumber today who had a look and ordered the suitable part and will be able to fix it tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll have got water tomorrow, given that the part he ordered is the right one. The plumber didn’t seem so sure what was wrong with our boiler. I don’t know if I can bare another cold bath again!

Me and my flat mate are back to arguing about the heating. As we’re living in student accommodation, we are given an allowance which is included in the rent and if it goes over, we will be charged. My house mate is rather adamant that the heating be on a mere 2 hours a day even at this time of year. If I had my way it’d be on about 7 hours a day. You can see why we argue about it. We agreed on 5 hours a day. But my housemate likes to turn it off without letting me know at random times despite our agreement. I know I’m not one to talk as sometimes I put it on for a couple of extra hours when it’s really really cold. The house temperature sometimes gets to 15/16 degrees Celsius and no matter how many layers you put on, you still feel cold. We argued so much about it last semester and agreed not to argue about it again this year. But surprise surprise, we’re back to arguing about. I guess when two people are stubborn about what they want, it’s inevitable.

I’ve found 2 people I’m going to live with next year -my flat mate last year who is also a good friend to me and one of her friends. We’re hoping to move into private student halls. It’s a lot more expensive but we won’t have to worry about safety, heating and hopefully distance too as we want to find somewhere nearer uni and town. I’m glad I’ve found housemates for next year because I was worrying about being on my own and having to make new friends all over again. One of my current flat mates (not the one I argue about heating with) decided she didn’t want to live with us next year and wanted to be with her other friends. We hardly see her this year and we’re drifting apart from her. We realise we have little in common and she’s always out and with other friends.

Uni’s a lot harder than I thought it’d be. I feel more alone here and very isolated from everything. I wish I’d made more of an effort making friends in my first year and putting myself out there. But I find I miss home and my family a lot, especially this year. I guess its life experience. But I am focussing on my work and have my laptop to watch TV and films and books to keep me busy. I’ve always found social events quite uncomfortable so tend to avoid them with a bargepole. But so far I’ve been a lot lonelier this year than last. I got on with my flat mates better last year and we were always going out or doing something together at least once a week. It just hadn’t worked out as well as I’d hoped this year.

Life continues to surprise me when I least expect it!

Life can play interesting tricks on us. Sometimes there are surprises around the corner that we could never have predicted that shake the very ground we walk on and change the way we saw things. Sometime these surprises make us smile and we can seal one chapter of our past with sadness and regret but closure too.

When I was 18 I had a big crush on a friend that lasted well into my 20s. At the time, I thought he was interested in me then one day he made it quite clear that he wasn’t and that was that. I was heart-broken as you’d imagine but we went our separate ways.  I was hung up on him and remained to be for a long time. He wasn’t just a crush but at the time I thought I loved him. But I saw the way he looked and lusted after other girls we knew but I pushed the hurt way because at least we were friends. I didn’t have many friends and he was a good friend to me. I didn’t know any boys and he was a boy and he was kind, cute and cheeky. He paid attention to me, flirted a little and I instantly liked him. He was a great listener and we had lots in common.

As we drifted apart with our lives going in different directions, I missed him and stewed in my self-pity, rejection and unrequited love. Then my life slowly moved forward. I had A2 exams which were vital in determining my future. I took a gap year and did lots of volunteering and met lots of new people. I went abroad and visited some amazing new places which gave me a new sense of inspiration and perspective. He got in touch and even though I thought I was moving on, my feelings came back and I saw myself waiting for his texts which never came and his seemingly lack of interest in me was there. I would watch him with sadness and regret and long for him.

I moved to Liverpool and started university in 2011. A whole new chapter in my life began. It was new and exciting. I tried lots of new things and met lots of new people and was doing the course I had dreamed of. Over time, I moved on. I thought of him less often and was as happy as I could be. He’d prop up in my thoughts every now and then but I was moving on. I met someone else, fell in love and was happy. When I saw him again in the summer of 2012, I realised I didn’t feel quite the same. I was so in love with my boyfriend at the time that my feelings for him evaporated because I only had eyes for my boyfriend and was consumed by my love for him. However that love was short lived and I got my heart broken again. But this time my love was returned, at least for the short amount of time we were together.

At the moment, I am in the aftermath of my break up and am trying to get over my ex and move forward again with my life. I still love my ex but he doesn’t love me and has moved on so I have no choice but to do the same and not prolong or fester in this state of unhappiness. I prayed to God yesterday to help me move on, to give me a sign, to show me the way and to give me some hope. What God gave me shocked me. I had been texting my old friend since I got back. I don’t feel the same way as I did about him though because I am still in love with my ex and I refuse to let myself love him again. I want to move forward and live in the present and not go backwards. I moved on and it took me a long time to do that and I don’t want to go backwards. I hated the feelings that his unrequited love gave me and never want to waste another thought on him. Anyway, my old friend called me earlier today and wanted to meet me later on tonight. He said he wanted to tell me something. But I have a family gathering later and so told him I’d be busy. He told me he liked me and that he had done so for a long time. It was such a shock. I couldn’t believe it. I did not see that coming in the slightest. I asked God for a sign and he gave me this. Why is God dragging up my past? What do I make of this? I told him I liked him once too but told him the harsh truth - I had moved on and now loved someone else. I told him he was 3 years too late.

All those months when I was a young teenager, when I thought I was in love and I cried myself to sleep with rejection, unrequited love and heart break. All those times when I wondered why I was never good enough for him, why he lusted after all the other girls and not me. All those times when I listened to Avril Lavigne and Adele to help me move forward and now this! I simple cannot understand – all along he felt the same way but just hadn’t said and instead tried to make me think otherwise. Wow! If only my 18 year old self knew this. If I could go back and tell her as she held onto all her memories of him as she cried herself to sleep. If I could tell her this, what would she have said? She would’ve laughed. She wouldn’t have believed me for a second. Now so much had changed and I just don’t care about him anymore. As harsh as it is, I don’t care if he loves me or hates me.

All I can think of is that I miss my ex and wished things had turned out differently.    

It’s strange how this happened. I never ever thought he felt the same way. I had accepted my love as unrequited and moved on. If he had told me, even at the beginning of this year that he had felt the same way, I’d have jumped at his offer and things could’ve turned out so very different. It’s weird how life works. It’s strange how time can completely change our perspective and things that we once held so true simply melt away and become insignificant and something new takes hold instead. We move on. Time is a great healer. We grow and mature and see things differently in time.

This news gives me closure on my past with my old friend. I can finally close the door to that chapter in my life.

It also gives me hope that time gives us fresh perspective and that life is constantly changing. With each day we move one step into our future and one step away from the past. Even if we can’t see change it is happening. 

The world is one big machine made up of lots of parts

"I'd imagine the whole world was one big machine. Machines never come with any extra parts, you know. They always come with the exact amount they need. So I figured, if the entire world was one big machine, I couldn't be an extra part. I had to be here for some reason. And that means you have to be here for some reason, too."

Hugo Cabaret 

Hugo 

I quite like this one succinctly put suggestion of why we are not here by accident. These heart-warming words are from the film Hugo. This made me smile and gives me some faith that we are not all wondering aimlessly on this planet lost and without purpose. That gives me some comfort in a big and busy world which is constantly moving and changing and not always in ways that we hope.