Life can play interesting tricks on us. Sometimes there are
surprises around the corner that we could never have predicted that shake the
very ground we walk on and change the way we saw things. Sometime these
surprises make us smile and we can seal one chapter of our past with sadness
and regret but closure too.
When I was 18 I had a big crush on a friend that lasted well
into my 20s. At the time, I thought he was interested in me then one day he
made it quite clear that he wasn’t and that was that. I was heart-broken as you’d
imagine but we went our separate ways. I
was hung up on him and remained to be for a long time. He wasn’t just a crush
but at the time I thought I loved him. But I saw the way he looked and lusted
after other girls we knew but I pushed the hurt way because at least we were
friends. I didn’t have many friends and he was a good friend to me. I didn’t
know any boys and he was a boy and he was kind, cute and cheeky. He paid
attention to me, flirted a little and I instantly liked him. He was a great
listener and we had lots in common.
As we drifted apart with our lives going in different
directions, I missed him and stewed in my self-pity, rejection and unrequited
love. Then my life slowly moved forward. I had A2 exams which were vital in
determining my future. I took a gap year and did lots of volunteering and met
lots of new people. I went abroad and visited some amazing new places which
gave me a new sense of inspiration and perspective. He got in touch and even
though I thought I was moving on, my feelings came back and I saw myself waiting
for his texts which never came and his seemingly lack of interest in me was
there. I would watch him with sadness and regret and long for him.
I moved to Liverpool and started university in 2011. A whole
new chapter in my life began. It was new and exciting. I tried lots of new
things and met lots of new people and was doing the course I had dreamed of.
Over time, I moved on. I thought of him less often and was as happy as I could
be. He’d prop up in my thoughts every now and then but I was moving on. I met
someone else, fell in love and was happy. When I saw him again in the summer of
2012, I realised I didn’t feel quite the same. I was so in love with my
boyfriend at the time that my feelings for him evaporated because I only had
eyes for my boyfriend and was consumed by my love for him. However that love
was short lived and I got my heart broken again. But this time my love was
returned, at least for the short amount of time we were together.
At the moment, I am in the aftermath of my break up and am
trying to get over my ex and move forward again with my life. I still love my
ex but he doesn’t love me and has moved on so I have no choice but to do the
same and not prolong or fester in this state of unhappiness. I prayed to God
yesterday to help me move on, to give me a sign, to show me the way and to give
me some hope. What God gave me shocked me. I had been texting my old friend
since I got back. I don’t feel the same way as I did about him though because I
am still in love with my ex and I refuse to let myself love him again. I want
to move forward and live in the present and not go backwards. I moved on and it
took me a long time to do that and I don’t want to go backwards. I hated the
feelings that his unrequited love gave me and never want to waste another
thought on him. Anyway, my old friend called me earlier today and wanted to
meet me later on tonight. He said he wanted to tell me something. But I have a
family gathering later and so told him I’d be busy. He told me he liked me and
that he had done so for a long time. It was such a shock. I couldn’t believe
it. I did not see that coming in the slightest. I asked God for a sign and he gave
me this. Why is God dragging up my past? What do I make of this? I told him I
liked him once too but told him the harsh truth - I had moved on and now loved
someone else. I told him he was 3 years too late.
All those months when I was a young teenager, when I thought
I was in love and I cried myself to sleep with rejection, unrequited love and
heart break. All those times when I wondered why I was never good enough for him,
why he lusted after all the other girls and not me. All those times when I listened
to Avril Lavigne and Adele to help me move forward and now this! I simple
cannot understand – all along he felt the same way but just hadn’t said and
instead tried to make me think otherwise. Wow! If only my 18 year old self knew
this. If I could go back and tell her as she held onto all her memories of him
as she cried herself to sleep. If I could tell her this, what would she have
said? She would’ve laughed. She wouldn’t have believed me for a second. Now so
much had changed and I just don’t care about him anymore. As harsh as it is, I
don’t care if he loves me or hates me.
All I can think of is that I miss my ex and wished things
had turned out differently.
It’s strange how this happened. I never ever thought he felt
the same way. I had accepted my love as unrequited and moved on. If he had told
me, even at the beginning of this year that he had felt the same way, I’d have
jumped at his offer and things could’ve turned out so very different. It’s weird
how life works. It’s strange how time can completely change our perspective and
things that we once held so true simply melt away and become insignificant and
something new takes hold instead. We move on. Time is a great healer. We grow
and mature and see things differently in time.
This news gives me closure on my past with my old friend. I
can finally close the door to that chapter in my life.
It also gives me hope that time gives us fresh perspective
and that life is constantly changing. With each day we move one step into our
future and one step away from the past. Even if we can’t see change it is
happening.
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