At a cross roads...

It’s interesting how change happens. When you think you are so sure of the world around you and of your situation, something can come along and knock you off balance and send you spiralling in another direction that you didn’t even know were possible. I was dealing with things. I had learned to move forward. I learnt to leave the past in the past and move on with my life. I was struggling but I took each day as it came and dealt with issues as they arose. I am one of those who likes to plan and be prepared for any given situation should they arise but when the situation does arise I am back to square one and don’t know what to do. Some situations can catch you off guard and then when you have time to process events, you can make the right decision. Should I follow my heart or go with my head? If I was stupid enough to follow my heart, I’d regret so much. So I go with my head instead, at least I do most of the time. I rationalise and think and often do what is best for me rather than what I want at that precise moment in time. Often what I want changes and I get caught up in the moment and make bad choices. So I try and think objectively and go with the right decision. I go with what is the right thing to do. It may not be the best decision at the time but often when I look back I feel stronger and more confident that that is the best decision for me and that makes me happy. I think now with a new fresh perspective and knowledge I can finally put the past behind me and move on. I feel free.

I realise that at this moment in time, I am at an interesting cross roads. I am so happy doing the course I am doing. Medicine continues to surprise me every day and I love the adrenaline rush that I get when I am at hospital. I am on ICU at the moment and often a lot of the medicine is very varied and you will not know what you’ll be faced with from day to day. One day you can be faced with an OD, the next you can see someone with alcohol withdrawal seizing as a result of developing Delirium Tremens. The doctors are pushed to their limits and have to use all their knowledge, experience and skills from all their years at medical school and training to treat the patient in front of them. This is incredible! I am only in 2^nd year and each day we learn something new and that adds to the reservoir of knowledge that we have that one day we will hopefully be able to use. These are real people and without medical intervention, they will die! That’s the harsh reality. Often the medicine you see in ICU is advanced and acute and the doctors have to act fast. I am still at that stage where I love everything that comes with being a doctor – I admire their skills, knowledge, experience and hard-working ethic. I hope one day I can be like that.  

I am in hospital 2 days a week and have to wake up at 5.45 to get the bus at 7.50 and then I get back around half 5ish. It’s a long day but I love getting up in the morning. Yes, it’s pitch black and cold but I love the fact that don’t know what I will see and learn about that day and I will get to meet some amazing inspiring individuals who have gone through hell but still come out fighting and stronger than ever.

I can feel the adrenaline rush of excitement as all the doctors hush around the patient, analysing the patients’ saturations and looking at x rays and findings from CT scans and blood tests. It’s about using everything that you know and have access to and piecing it all together to figure out what’s wrong. Only then can you can fix the problem. It’s like a jigsaw. You have all the pieces but when you piece them all together you will finally get the bigger picture. At first you try and you don’t succeed because the pieces don’t fit but eventually they do and the patient can get better and go home to their life and their families.

Each day on the bus journey on the way home, we like to talk about the exciting things we’ve seen and learnt and share perspectives and experiences. By the time we all get home we are buzzing with a new rush of adrenaline get stuck into our work for the coming week.