Another candid realisation

I went to Sainsbury’s the other day to buy some ingredients for a lemon and thyme loaf. I had picked up the recipe from one of my many baking books and was eager to try it out. A friend of mine had made some lemon drizzle cake to our PBL session and I ate one to be polite. I had never seen the appeal of lemon flavoured food before but took a slice nonetheless and braved a mouthful. To my sheer surprise it tasted so good. I really liked it. The lemon was subtle but just enough to get the scent and taste the wonderful flavour through it. It was perfection. I had become a fan. I was not yet comfortable trying lemon cheesecake but I’ll take one step at a time.

Anyway back to my story, I went into Sainsbury’s to buy some ingredients and walked up and down the aisles looking for baking powder, soured cream and lemon thyme leaves. I couldn’t find them so looked for a member of staff to help. I hate asking for help. I always feel so exposed and vulnerable. I don’t know why. It’s not like they know me but I hate it. It makes me feel uncomfortable. If they are older, middle aged or elderly, I don’t mind at all, actually on the contrary find it a pleasant experience but when they are young and especially male I quickly feel awkward and out of my comfort zone. If I could choose I’d always go to a woman. That’s strange right? I am not purposefully discriminatory at all.

I don’t have social anxiety or anything but tbh I find it difficult to talk to young guys. I am 21, female and went to an all-girls grammar school. So I spent the bulk of my teenage and influential years with girls. I didn’t know any boys my age at school and didn’t date until university. Maybe that lack of experience has always been there and is showing itself to be an issue now. My friends knew boys outside of school but I didn’t with the exception of family gatherings, that’s the only time I met guys around my age and obviously that’s a whole different ball court.

I never know what to say to a guy or how to approach one or how to act naturally around one. I know it sounds ridiculous but I never truly admitted this sad fact until I really thought about it. Having said that, I do have some male friends at university but they are all very social and chatty and people I have come to know through spending lots of time around. So I gradually became comfortable with them and got to know them. By a miracle I dated someone earlier this year. That didn’t seem awkward or scary or strange because it was one on one and I knew he liked me. He danced with me and kissed me on a night out. I’ve kissed a guy before but have always had a few drinks in me and that always helps and you never go through the social awkwardness of does he like me? What should we talk about? How do we fill the awkward silences? I guess I’ve always waited for a guy to make the effort with friendships or in dating situations. This is not due to some age old expectation but purely to stop me making a fool of myself. I always feel like I am not attractive enough compared to other girls or that guys only want to know the pretty girls. I know most guys aren’t like that. But one experience of a friend’s ex-boyfriend calling me the ugliest girl in the world still lingered somewhere in my mind. I felt that I didn’t have the grace or class or sex appeal or allure that other girls had. I still feel that in dating situations but it doesn’t affect me much. It doesn’t stop me working hard or feeling happy with the way I look and proud of who I am and what I hope to achieve. I am not insecure in other ways. But when I think of myself dating these insecurities arise. I am one of those that feels slightly invisible to guys.

So I took a breath and walked up to a indie, skinny jeans wearing young guy in the bakery aisle in Sainsbury’s. I smiled and asked him where I could find baking powder. I could feel my awkwardness and fear radiating from me. I felt awfully exposed and out of my depth. I didn’t know what I expected would happen but it wasn’t easy or natural at all. By the way I should mention I am great with middle aged men. I feel confident and natural and less intimidated by them. I don’t know why though. I guess maybe because I’d had male teachers and older male colleagues where I worked during my gap year. But I could work with men. They didn’t intimidate me.

I don’t think I’ve ever truly admitted this to anyone, or least not accepted the depth of situation myself. I don’t have any solutions to this problem. But surely I cannot live in fear of guys my age forever.