Another year draws to a close....

“…. I'm movin' on up now
Gettin' out of the darkness
My light shines on
My light shines on
My light shines on…”

Movin’ on Up
Primal Scream

As another year almost draws to a close, it’s time for me as I am sure many of you will be doing too, to reflect on my past year and see what lessons I have learnt. I turned 21 this year.

I passed my first year at university. I started and ended a relationship. I found out the true meaning of friendship. I learnt that I cannot trust anybody other than my family. I learnt that I need to take control of my life and find my own happiness rather than expecting someone else to make me happy.

I learnt to appreciate myself more and to have some more self-respect. I learned more about my faith and myself too.

First, I will reflect on my relationship. I was seeing someone for 3 months long distance and we broke up because he wanted to live the ‘full uni experience’ including seeing other people and sleeping around. I was heartbroken because I thought we had something special and meaningful and that he really liked me. He then slept around during fresher’s week but told me that he loved me. However he wasn’t ready for a relationship yet and thought he would come Christmas or his second year at university. I felt truly emotionally hurt and gutted and we parted ways maintaining intermittent contact. We then spoke again a while later and I found out he had recently started seeing someone else. It felt like a slap in the face. He broke up with me because he didn’t want a relationship, yet now here he is with someone else. I told him I still loved him but he said that she makes him happier than I did. He also said that he had got what he wanted out of his system and that the grass is always greener on the other side. He said that things would have been better if we had stayed together from the start. It was over. I said we should be friends.

Since then, I didn’t so much as hear a word from him. He broke my heart but I still thought he cared about me like I cared about him. I hoped he’d call or text to see if I was okay. But no. I would do that for him in a heartbeat but he wouldn’t do the same for me. I remember worrying about him when he was waiting for his exam results; I hoped he would be okay at university and make some good friends. I prayed that he would be safe and that he’d be happy and not alone because it can be scary and daunting. I guess you cannot force someone to love or care for you even if you love them. A week later he calls me stranded at the station because he can’t afford the train fare home and asks for my help. The cheek of it! After everything that’s happened, he expects me to be there for him. How selfish? I refuse to be a doormat and be used this way so I refused to help him. Where was he when I needed him? Now he needs me and expects me to be there for him! I wanted him to appreciate that he can’t expect anything from me after what happened and his total disregard for me and my feelings. He got mad and told me not to ever contact him again.

I can take it when someone is mad at me. That doesn’t hurt me anymore. Years of being let down by one person after another has taught me not to feel anything when someone says something mean or hurtful to me. I don’t have much relationship experience so heartbreak is still painful. But one day I will cease to feel that kind of pain too. When my friends hurt me, it just washes over me like a bad smell in the street. One minute, it’s there, the next you’ve walked a few blocks and it’s gone.

I felt I could turn to my house mates, who I thought were my close friends for support and advice. I couldn’t be more wrong. My two housemates provided little support when I needed them the most. Z rolls her eyes at me whenever I bring up my heart break and R listens but changes the subject or visibly gets bored. Z thinks that there are bigger relationship problems out there. She is cynical, naïve and lacks empathy. Some major flaws for someone who is studying to be a doctor, I think. She has never had a relationship and is judgemental and feels she is above such insignificance as ‘love’. R is selfish and only cares about herself. She is young, just out of school and lacks experience and maturity. She is very self-absorbed. I have often been a good friend to both. I listen to Z when she’s complaining about not doing enough work and provide support and encouragement. I listen patiently to R when she tells me about her daily routine and plans and how her day was. Z also told us that she wants to live elsewhere next year but instead of being honest and open about it, she lied and didn’t give us a straight answer for months knowing that me and R need her answer for us to make a decision. K on the other hand is my best friend. She is supportive, honest, patient and understanding. She has been through lots of heart break before and knows just what to say. I am grateful for her. D is also a good friend. She listens to me whine and get upset and is patient, honest and supportive. She doesn’t judge me.

I guess in situations like this, you learn who your true friends are and who really aren’t. You learn sometimes that you can’t trust anybody other than your family and yourself. Everyone has their own lives and problems and priorities. You cannot rely on anyone other than yourself for your own happiness. That includes relationships. I trusted him and loved him, yet he hurt me and let me down repeatedly. He failed to articulate how he felt with honesty and openness as I had done. Maybe he just wasn’t capable of it or just didn’t know how. Maybe he just didn’t know what he wanted. I loved him and saw potential for us. I guess you can’t force someone to feel the same.

I also found for first time in my life courage that I didn’t even know I had. I had the strength to end a bad relationship when it was the right thing for me rather than it being what I wanted. I remember crying about what I should do with my best friend when he and I were still together and he said that he wanted to have fun at university. I remember visiting the cathedral for some divine inspiration. Then I woke and realised I knew what I needed to do and did it. I was proud of myself for having that strength. God helped me find that strength.

Also, I didn’t run to him when he needed me. I am the kind of person who does. When anyone needs me, I’d be there. I go out of my way to help people even if they don’t appreciate it. He knew that. He knew how I felt about him and yet he was willing to play to that weakness and use that for his own gain. I stayed strong and said no and held onto my principles and self-courage. I had some ounce of self-respect left despite my heart break. I would not let him use me and take that too. He had already taken so much from me.

I surprised myself on those occasions. I realised that inside me there was still some fight. I had some strength left however emotionally strung out I was. The sad thing was, he never appreciated that. He’d never see just how much he’d hurt me and how much I loved him. I still do and will do for a long time, however stupid that may make me.

I also passed my first year at university. I shocked myself. I didn’t think I could do it. I doubted myself despite the early mornings waking up to revise, multiple cups of coffee, late nights falling asleep with my notes. I had the determination and will but didn’t know whether it’d be enough. I had never wanted anything more. 

I will do it again for my second year exams. I will work and I’ll fight for it.

This year has been a tough year for me. There have been lots of ups and downs. I know I have focussed more on the downs but I guess that sticks out more clearly for me at this time. I guess in time, our perceptions change and we see the same things differently and in a new light. We learn to adapt ourselves to the world and cope. It’s not easy but we have no choice. I’ve hit rock bottom before and it’s hard to pick yourself up and move on. But we have to. We have no choice. We can sit around and feel sorry for ourselves but what good would that do. That won’t achieve anything. Self- pity does no one any good. We have to fight. We have to fight for what we want. We have to stay strong and keep going. That’s life.