Alone

I just feel so alone. I surround myself with people, like to feel part of a group but really it’s just me. It’s always been that way and I feel no one gets me. Today all I needed was someone to take my side, to agree with me and support me for a change. My friend and my mother both failed in that. They weren’t here when I needed them. I needed them to agree with me. I needed them to say for once, you’re right, I understand what you’re saying. But they didn’t. They never do!

Most of my happy moments are experienced alone: a movie and popcorn on a Saturday night, watching my favourite TV shows, reading, daydreaming about where I’d like to go on holiday… all this I do alone. But once in a while, it’d be nice to share this with someone. I miss the warmth of another person beside me in bed, the feel of their arms around me, cuddled up, just us against the world, I miss the knowing smiles of first love and tender flirtation when it feels like the world is at your feet and anything is possible. I miss the dreaming of endless possibilities and hope.
I just need to escape for just a little while. In my mind I’m on a beach, a book in hand, the only person for miles around. My feet are in the warm sand watching the waves gently lapping at the shore. I miss waking up to the sound of traffic, people chattering, the hustle and bustle of city life trickling through my open window in the morning. This is the sound of life and the world alive and me a part of it. The bedroom window of my flat this year overlooks a car park.    

I dream of being wanted, needed, useful and liked. I think a part of all of us craves that. But sometimes I feel I want more. I know it’s petty and silly but I just feel so invisible.

I was lying in bed, curled up crying silently in my bed.

A good night’s sleep should help. And writing on here. I’m sorry I’ve been away for a long time. Busy schedules and increasing workload at university.

A reflective quote

 "Don't Worry. Everything that happens happens mostly without you." 

Anonymous 

This is a quote loved by the author of a series that I am reading in the Guardian online called 'a marriage in recovery.' It tells the experiences of an anonymous writer whose husband is an alcoholic. She is married with 3 children and the series explores her experiences, difficulties and emotions living with her alcoholic husband. It is a very enlightening series and highlights the effects that alcohol has on the family unit and also on marriage. Often these can be overlooked as especially from a medical perspective. As a medical student, I am taught about the harm it does on a person's body but often the social implications of dependency can be far more long lasting and perhaps difficult to reverse. 

I particularly liked this quote as it shows that often when we are dealing with the effects of another's behaviour, we take it personally. We get hurt and upset and let what they say and do get get right into our soul and this is heartbreaking. Whether it's a partner's addiction, infidelity or bullying at school or in the work place, often if we step back and just think for a second, why do we take it so personally? Why do we let it consume us? Often if it was another person in our place receiving this harm instead, the same thing would happen ... right? It is not our fault and is a problem with the person who is causing the harm. We are just unfortunately the one caught up in it.

In other words, things happen with/without our input so we should just chill out a bit and distance ourselves emotionally sometimes. This perspective helped me a lot when dealing with being hurt or let down by other people. What do you think? 

A clash of two worlds

I moved into private halls last Sunday. I had lived in uni halls during my first year where fortunately I was placed with two girls who I clicked very well with. We got on well and spent a lot of time together. One of them has become a best friend and I still keep in regular contact with her. I moved into a student house during my second year. I was excited at this prospect as I had never lived in a house with friends before. I came to love the peace, quiet and space that a house had and I had the environment I needed to work hard for my second year. Now I am in my third year and have moved into private halls again.

I feel like this summer has given me time and space and experiences to think about who I am and what I want. I know this “finding yourself” thing sounds cliched but I believe that we all do need to find ourselves. Some take off to a foreign land, some just need a holiday or time at home or just freedom from other pressures of life. Whatever the setting we all need space to sort out our thoughts and just think. We need to find out who we are, what we like and to accept this. Often the last part is the most important thing. We may not be able to accept who we are. This may sound crazy. But for a long time I wanted to do what everyone else did because I thought it’d truly make me happy as I would be with other people and feel less alone. I hated that I was in a small flat and didn’t have many friends and spent a long time wanting more friends, more experiences, more popularity. I wanted to do what everyone else was doing as I felt somewhat different for not having all those experiences. I will leave the word experiences to your own interpretations.

Now I am living in a flat of seven where four of them are insane party animals. These four know each other. Of the other two, C is more chilled out and S has not moved in. It’s disheartening. In first year I would’ve done anything to be with such people but now I don’t feel that way. I would’ve dreamed of going out every night, kissing lots of guys, being the cool free popular girl. But my inhibitions prevented this and slowly as I came out of my shell I started to realise I like my comforts. I like to read, watch TV, watch movies, visit galleries. The only sadness is that I feel left out. They know each other so talk of people and places and subjects that I know little about. I am polite, I make conversation, I try to be part of it so I don’t get treated like an outsider but somehow I feel as though I am lagging behind. Today the four had all decided to go out to a gay club. They invited C but not me. I had a shower, popped on a dress and tights and did my hair. I got ready. I had plans already but I’d have still liked to have been asked anyway. They didn’t know of my plans.

They were getting ready. They blared out what I can only describe as ‘rave’ music. It was so loud! I feel like a granny saying this, but it really was uncomfortably loud. I then met a friend, D and together we walked to K, M and J’s house. K is one of my best friends and she moved in with M and J and since then we have gotten to know M and J too. It’s always nice to meet friends of friends and broaden our friendship circle and meet new people. K, M and J live in a house with a garden and tonight they lit a fire in the garden and we sat around drinking wine and hot chocolate and eating celebrations and popcorn. We shared stories, anecdotes and jokes having a truly relaxing evening.

The fire was crackling in the background, bright yellow in the increasing darkness. M had lit tea lights and placed fairy lights around her garden dining set so it felt warm and homely. The flames danced illuminating our faces as we sat around huddled together in blankets. I often hate social situations and shun them for more homely comforts but I soon forgot I was among new friends and acquaintances and felt comfortable. I laughed and smiled and realised that I was enjoying myself and not smiling at the right times for pretences. It was a perfect evening in a lovely setting. It was a far cry from my halls. This reaffirmed that I love homely comforts. I love a home environment, good conversation with similar people and feeling part of something. 

How will I get through a year at this halls? 

Is it just me? a semi autobiographical book by Miranda Hart

Today was my first day back at uni after the summer. I had a good few weeks off where I found out I passed my second year exams and so had the rest of the summer to relax and enjoy and just focus on doing things I enjoy. I don’t often get to pursue hobbies as free time is often non-existent while doing a medical course. I have friends that make time for the gym or football etc so I guess it’s not impossible. 

I decided to catch up on some reading. I love to read. I love sitting down to read with a nice hot mug of tea or hot chocolate or milo (a hot chocolate and malt drink mixed with milk which is common in Asia). Then I can just escape to another world for a good hour or so and be absorbed in the intricacies, excitement and mystery of another person’s problems, experiences and life. It’s a wonder why not everybody reads. I sometimes don’t have the patience for it and want to read it all quickly but when I find a good book I think about it while I’m out doing other things like shopping, showering or lying in bed trying to sleep. This summer I read Miranda Hart’s semi-autobiographical novel ‘is it just me?’ I found this an interesting label for the genre of the book: semi autobiographical. I have read autobiographies before. In essence an autobiography is a journey of one’s life and highlights specific events written in first hand. Nowadays however, autobiographies written by notable people are often written by ghost writers. I find this somewhat disappointing but can you really imagine Katie Price sitting at a study typing frantically late into the night before a deadline. Sadly I cannot. 

Anyway, back to my point, Miranda’s book is a quirky thing. It’s full of funny stories, jokes, situations, experiences and general observations all written in Miranda’s unique slapstick awkward, likeable comedy style. She writes of experiences her ‘character’ endures when it comes to work, dreams, fashion, music, sport etc. all of life’s little things. And I find that although most of it is a work of fiction, you can still draw something from it. I felt I could relate to her sense of trying to fit into this world and finding your place. I took this book on holiday with me to Malaysia. I found myself giggling out loud in public places and re reading extracts to friends and family. I felt she was reading to me. It was such a personal book. I thoroughly recommend it. 

Me before you - a novel by Jojo Moyes

When I decided to buy this book I thought it’d be another soppy romantic chick flick. I hadn’t read one of those in a while and thought it’d be easy reading and light and something different to the book I had read before – the casual vacancy which had a lot of darkness and misery.

When I started reading I still thought that this book would go down the clichéd romantic route, two people meet, hate each other initially and then fall irrevocably in love and stay together and it’ll be a happy ever after ending. But what lay in store for me pushed this rather clichéd genre to its limits.

The story follows Louisa Clark who is a young woman in her late 20s who has led a somewhat predictable life, never leaving her home town and comforts. She lived with her parents and was made redundant after the café where she had worked had closed down. She then went from mundane job to job with no particular career goals or expectations and eventually took a job albeit reluctantly as a carer for Will Traynor.

Will had a motorcycle accident and unfortunately this resulted in quadriplegia, which meant that he has little/no function in his arms and legs. His injury had left him paralysed and wholly dependent on care for his day to day needs. He led a very successful life before his accident, undertaking extreme sport, travelling, holding a well-paid job in the city and a relationship. He was happy with his life and in an instant his former life and adventures ended and became a distant memory as he envisaged spending the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

The two learn from each other. Will finds a new lease of life and Louisa learns to broaden her horizons. The story then takes a few surprising twists and turns in a rather unpredictable fashion. This novel explores life for a quadriplegic and helps us as the reader contemplate the difficulties that people with cervical spine injures endure on a day to day basis when it comes to washing, changing, toileting, even eating and drinking. We see how difficult it is for people in a wheelchair to go to public places where often there aren’t adequate facilities and this helps us appreciate what we take for granted such as climbing stairs and walking in mud.

This was a delightful read, with emotional highs and lows. There are times of laughter and times of sadness as a relationship between two very different people, in different situations, holding life experiences and from different social classes build a mutual relationship.

I would thoroughly recommend this read as a story which helps us appreciate the basics of life – love, freedom, laughter, adventure and family. 

Miranda

Hello everyone!…. I’ve just been watching old episodes of Miranda. Season 3 has just been on TV and I couldn’t get enough of it. I’m not usually a fan of slapstick humour but there is something very relatable about Miranda. I missed season one and two and managed to find it online so started watching it this week! It’s so funny!

She plays a woman in her mid-thirties, single, facing pressure from her mother to marry and have children, has a long time crush on her friend Gary and a lovely friendship with her best friend Stevie. She lives alone and finds plenty of ways to keep herself busy and she doesn’t take herself too seriously. I feel that there is often a stigma attached to single women in their thirties but Miranda addresses this and draws on it and I feel that other single women like myself can relate to that. She talks about many issues that all normal women may have – not feeling like they are excelling in a career, not feeling attractive enough, having a poor sense of style, annoying friends, a pushy mother, hating the gym, the awkwardness of sex, romance and dating. As a girl who went to an all-girls school I can relate to this phenomenon!

She identifies herself as overweight, tall, awkward looking with a unique sense of humour and unsuccessful with men. The fact that she is open and honest about herself and is not vain or arrogant makes her so relatable and instantly likeable. She is just herself and we take her as she is – cringe worthy humour and all. We feel like she is the girl we secretly are inside or a friend we know in our own lives that we love.

I feel myself actually laughing out loud relentlessly at her jokes. Me and my best friend often quote Miranda and Stevie without even realising it! You should check it out, it’s very down to earth and a great watch!

A happy quote ...

Here is one that made me smile :) 

"Remember ...To the world you may be just one person, but to one person you may be the world" 

Anonymous