Love yourself and you will be loved too

Sometimes the world around me never ceases to surprise me but not always in a good way. I was browsing on TSR, the student forum and came across a post by a 17 year old girl who was upset that she wasn’t appealing enough to boys and was asking for advice on how to look sexy. I read this and was so upset to think - is this what our world is coming to? - That there are young girls out there who are so unconfident with the way that they look that they want to change that and be someone that they are not. I know this isn’t a new thought and we see that every day. Everywhere you go you come across girls in the same position who have the same insecurities and it is not surprising. Given the increased sexualisation of our society, it is inevitable that people feel the pressure to behave and dress in a certain way or else they be deemed boring or uncool.

I was that 17 year old girl with those insecurities, wondering why I was so invisible to guys and not cool enough or popular enough. It took me a long time to be happy with who I am and to focus on my strengths and see my weaknesses as something that should be celebrated and appreciated as part of what makes me who I am. The 17 year old me was young, naïve and lost amongst the loud, pretty, sociable girls who were put partying and getting drunk all the time. Going to an all-girls school, I was continually surrounded by girls and there were so many who were a lot more confident and attractive and appeared to have it all. On the outside they appeared to be the epitome of cool whilst I was the nerdy, opinionated bookworm who was the one everyone came to when they needed help with their school work. Don’t get me wrong, I loved being smart and had my group of smart friends who were all focussed hard working driven people who knew exactly what they wanted out of life and where they wanted to go. People knew who I was, I was never invisible but people didn’t see me as more than just a respectable nice nerd at school. It took me a year out of school and getting out in the real world, working 3 jobs and doing lots of volunteering that I realised that life is what you make of it. And confidence doesn’t come from the way you dress or how much make up you have on or how many guys you pull in a night club but from within and that took me a long time to appreciate. I realised that being smart wasn’t a drawback but the one thing that will get me where I want to go in life. I have so many dreams and I want to change the around me person by person through the power of medicine and good will.

4 years later, I’m not at school anymore. I hated school. I was good at it and knew it was just one stepping stone to get to where I want to be so I stuck it out. So whenever I see an ordinary 17 year old girl wearing jeans and a hoody and glasses and holding a stack of books I think you go girl! Just be proud that you are smart and one day all those years of hard work will make it all worthwhile and when you see someone at school that appears to have everything you don’t have, remember you have things that she doesn’t have too. Envy never gets you anywhere, be proud of who you are and appreciate others for what they have and learn from them. Don’t see them as a threat or feel that you are inferior. Everyone has something that they are good at, something that makes them special. For some that something special is more obvious, for others it is deep inside and it takes a truly special person to peel back the layers and see and appreciate that.  

Doing something productive this summer

I have decided that I need to do something productive this summer. I work really hard during term time, I am always busy and on the go so I decided against getting a job this summer. The effort of finding a job and the early mornings and long days put me off. I had to wake up early 5 days a week last term for lectures and wanted a break from that this summer and just enjoy doing absolutely nothing. I guess you probably think I’m lazy and that’s fine. I probably am atm but at uni I’m not. At uni I’m always doing something, if I’m not in lectures or classes, I am doing private study or out with friends. I am always on the go! Home is the only time I get to just chill and have me time. I like that because I don’t often get time to myself at uni. At uni, when I am stressed, I put on a face mask and lie down and listen to music or put on a film and eat cake. That is the best thing ever when your mind is stressed!!! Sometimes I do that with my friends. We make dinner, put on a DVD and a face mask and drink wine and have a right old gossip. These are some of my favourite memories from first year. Not the crazy nights out or fresher’s week, yeah they were great but more so the nights when we just hung out and chilled and had girly nights.

So back to what I was saying, I need to do something productive this summer. I wanted to learn some new baking recipes. I did try vanilla cupcakes and a coffee cake this summer. The vanilla cupcakes were dreadful because they just rose too much and went over the sides of the cups and the cake itself stuck to the paper. It was a disaster and I was so disappointed. So I decided to leave cupcakes for the moment. But it was the first time that I’d done cupcakes from scratch. Me and my brother used to get the packet mix from Sainsbury’s and I loved making those! Those always turned out well but that’s the cheat’s way to bake. I want to learn to bake from scratch. I want to be good at it. This has always been a goal of mine. My mum never baked with me and that was something I always wanted to do with my kids, if I ever get lucky and have my own children. I always thought it would be a great thing to do - to bake with them and to bake for my family. I do a pretty good coffee cake and I’ve pretty much mastered rock cakes.

My rock cakes - these usually turn out pretty well!!!

But that’s about it. Everything else – brownies, chocolate fudge cake, Victoria sandwich, macaroons I’ve attempted once. I guess I need more practise before I can make them with my eyes closed! It’s just disheartening when they turn out badly.

My other goal was to read more. I am reading The Help atm. It’s really good and very different to the previous book I was reading – Fifty Shades of Grey haha. The Help follows the story of 3 women –who live in Jackson, Mississipi in 1962, during a time when blacks and whites were treated differently and had different ‘places’ in society. The book is written from the perspectives of Minny and Aibileen who work as maids for White women as well as from the side of Skeeter who is a White woman. So it shows life from both sides. Black History has always fascinated me. I learnt about slavery in History at school as well as about the differences in the treatment of Blacks and Whites in English when we read the novel To Kill a Mockingbird. Although set in different times and one a work of fiction, it was interesting to learn about the changes in the experiences and lives of Black people throughout history and time. To live in a time where there is a Black President in the United States, shows how far things have come and how far attitudes and opinions have changed since those horrific times when Black people were kidnapped from their homes in Western Africa and forced into Slavery. I am fascinated by this aspect of history because it is about real people and their experiences.

It’s a really good book and has had me hooked that I can’t put it down!

Olympic Torch passing Big Ben

The Olympics being in London had never really interested me much. We would hear about it on the news almost every day for months. Whether it was news of the G4S security scandal or the spending on the Olympics going up, it was hard to escape it. It was only until I saw the torch when I was at university that I really understood how important it was. How big and significant the Olympics coming to London really was. Yesterday I saw it for the third time. The first time I saw the torch was when it passed my university, the second time when it passed my home town and the third time was yesterday when it passed Big Ben.

The first time I saw the torch as it passed near my university campus.

My family from Malaysia had come over to England to see the Olympics this summer. They had tickets for 4 events and were eager to catch some of the build up and atmosphere in London. So yesterday me and my brother took my uncle, my aunt and my cousin into Central London to see the torch at Westminster. London was amazing!!!! It’s my home city so it has always been a special place for me but the atmosphere was just buzzing yesterday!!! There were so many tourists bustling around and the weather was great too. The sun was out and it was scorching hot!!! People were walking round excitedly taking pictures of the sights. We went through London Victoria and the atmosphere was great!!! They had hung British flags up in rows from the ceiling. I felt very patriotic. The only other time I’d seen flags like that was when I passed through a Protestant town in Northern Ireland.

The rows of flags hanging at London Victoria.

We then took the tube to Westminster station. I’d never been to that station before. It’s quite nice. My family were complaining that it was quite dark and dingy like a dungeon but I liked that about it. It was different. It had minimal lighting and the escalators were lit up which made it look really nice. It reminded me a lot of the underground stations in Washington D.C. When we came out we were met by the amazing sight of Big Ben which stood tall and imposing in front of us. I had never seen it that close before and it was such an incredible sight. I felt an overwhelming sense of pride in my home city and our amazing history. Westminster was glistening in the afternoon light. Me and my cousin walked across the Bridge and took loads of photos together.

 

The torch passed Big Ben just after 6pm. The clock chimed 6pm and moments later the crowds erupted as the torch bearer came running down Bridge Street. He stopped in front of the world media as they were eager to capture a shot of the torchbearer and the torch outside Big Ben. Everyone was trying to get a closer look snapping away at their cameras. He stopped at Parliament Square for a while, which was where I was standing so we really got to have a good look at the torchbearer and the torch and soak up the moment. It was incredible and such an amazing sight.

Olympic Torch passing my home town

The weather this summer has been all over the place. We’ve had so much cloud and rain over the past month and then suddenly this outburst of sun. It’s like a heat wave at the moment. It is a nice pleasant change. After hearing about the jet stream every bloody day on the weather it’s nice to have some sun.

Today is such a beautiful day. I woke up and looked outside my window and it just made me smile. The sky is a clear brilliant blue without a single cloud and everything just looks so much more beautiful. The colour of the sky on a summer’s day is my favourite colour. Everything just looks so green too!!! My garden is full of bushes and plants and trees of every kind of green imaginable. Everything is fluttering in the light breeze and illuminated by the brightness. I am a classic weather affects the mood person haha! I just feel so happy and want to go outside and sunbathe but being dark skinned that’s not the best idea. I just burn and roast like chicken on a barbeque.

Yesterday I went to see the Olympic torch with my mum and brother as it came past my home town. I had seen it when I was at university and saw it again yesterday. It was a beautiful day and people were outside lining the streets, happy and cheerful ready with their cameras and waving flags. It was such a great atmosphere. People were all dressed for the hot weather in shorts and dresses and shades. Children were running round with ice creams. It was nice! I had never seen anything like it in my home town and it was nice to be part of it.

The crowds lining the street waiting for the torch to come.

The torch bearer just passing the spot where I was.

Fifty Shades of Grey

I have always loved reading books but since going to university, I haven’t had the time to sit down and read as much as I used to. It’s hard to find the time to just get away from the hustle and bustle of the world and just sit and read. I like that. I like to just sit by myself with a good book and escape the stresses of life. I have just finished reading the infamous Fifty Shades of Grey and have just started reading The Help. Both are very different in genres.

For those of you who have never heard of Fifty Shades of Grey it is the book of 2012. The hype created around this book is such that it reminds me of the hype that surrounded the likes of The Da Vinci Code or one of the Harry Potter books. I ordered a copy of the book after reading an article about it in the Daily Mail online. I had heard that it was written by a British author and was a US best seller and was quickly becoming a success here in the UK as well. I had heard that it was controversial in the fact that it was an erotic book and due to its explicit sexual content it had been banned in libraries in some US states. This intrigued me and although the book wasn’t really aimed at my age group but however was labelled as ‘mummy porn’ it was aimed at older women, I wanted to see what all the fuss was about. So I went onto Amazon where it was already a bestseller and ordered a copy of the book. I was excited, eager to read it and because it was still quite a secret guilty pleasure that wasn’t as well-known as it is now, I wanted to be part of this secret club that women who read this book were part of. Women were reading it and discussing it at work, with their family and friends. A couple of months later it seemed as if every woman was reading it or knew someone who was reading it and the hype was such that you couldn’t get away from it. I would see it in every bookstore, posters outside W H Smith, women reading it on public transport. Even my boyfriend started reading it. We’d read it and discuss certain things that we liked and disliked. It was nice. It was something that we were both reading that we could share together. Even though he was hundreds of miles away we were both reading the same things and as he was ahead of me I would read the pages knowing that he had read them too. It was great. It was our thing between me and him.  

The book follows the story of Anastasia Steele a young woman in her early twenties who has just graduated from university and Christian Grey a multi billionaire business tycoon. The two although from different worlds and walks of life embark on a passionate sexual affair that pushes each to their limits sexually and emotionally. Anastasia is a girl of very little sexual or relationship experience while Christian has had experience beyond those of any normal man. The two explore an unconventional sexual relationship that becomes entangled with strong fiery emotions of lust, hurt and love.

With the exception of reading a few erotic texts in the past, this novel was the first erotic novel that I had ever read and so I didn’t really know what to expect. Although badly written and devoid of much intimacy and passion the story fails to capture the depth of the characters to their full extents. Both characters show promise and depth but the author fails to fully develop them, instead focussing on the sexual elements and details. The plot is intriguing enough and the ending left me wanting to read the next in the trilogy to find out what happens next. Erotic literature is very different to pornography in that how the reader feels is purely due to the success of the author in portraying the sexual emotion, passion and feeling through words. And in this case the author in my opinion has come up short. The much anticipated chapter 10 didn’t disappoint but it didn’t shock either. There was nothing that completely shocked me but it left me eager and excited to discover more about my sexual feelings. Throughout the beginning the author was successful in building up sexual tension but could’ve written and played out the sexual scenes with more passion and foreplay. Having said that, it was a great read and a guilty pleasure and the book has captured my interest in this rather hush-hush genre. If you are looking for literary genius, this isn’t it but if you’re looking for something light, slightly naughty and fun, this is great.

The book has done exceptionally well in terms of commercial sales. It has quickly gained popularity around the world and has sold 31 million copies to date. I guess this book has given women something to get excited about. With the release of the male stripper movie ‘Magic Mike’ this summer who knows what sexual guilty pleasures are to come.

Boyfriend

I have met someone. I know! Even I can’t believe it especially since the Valentine's Day pact that I made with my best friend just a few months ago. I met him 2 nights before I went back home after the end of second semester at university. I was on a night out in town, celebrating the end of exams and so was he. I met him in one of my favourite clubs in town. I was dancing near him and turned round and saw him and thought he was really cute. I managed to catch his eye and we smiled at each other and then we danced with each other. He asked me my name and how old I was and I asked him the same. He then stepped me down from the podium we were dancing on to get some space and he told me I looked really pretty. I found him really cute. He was shy and there was something about him that made me smile. He wasn’t seedy or slimy but really sweet and nice. He had a cute smile that made me smile. We danced some more and then he kissed me. I then had to go because my friends wanted to go home and he asked me for my number. I gave it to him. That was the first time I had given a guy my number in a club. I didn’t think he’d text back but to my surprise he texted later that same night. We texted each other until we fell asleep and texted again all of the next day. It was nice. My heart would beat faster every time I got a text from him. I was out shopping with my friends and would check my phone every moment I got. I haven’t told him this, but that still happens every time I get a text from him. I smile and blush and have the same bubbling excitement every time. That’s the effect he has on me 5 weeks later.

We arranged to meet the next evening at dusk and had a romantic walk by the river and he came back to mine. Nothing happened!!! Before you get any ideas haha. We talked and kissed and we sat on my bed in my room. He looked at all the photos and posters and bits and bobs I had round my room with a cute curiosity that made me smile. I was going home the next day and was up all night with my best friend packing but the whole time I was thinking about him. He was so nice and so HOT!!! He was also shy in a way that I find so endearing. I wanted to see him again and I met him that morning before I was set to home. We watched a film together cuddled up on my bed and then fumbled around a bit on my bed. Hehe. That’s all the details you’re getting!!! I like to keep the rest to myself and just between us.

5 weeks later, I am 400 miles in my home town. We text and call and speak to each other every day. It’s hard but I am counting the days till I go back to uni and see him. He is amazing! Every day he makes me smile. I go to bed thinking about him and wake up thinking about him and I smile. That’s the effect he has on me. He is so special and has such a good heart. Every day when I am skyping him I get to hear his sexy voice that still gets me every time and every day I learn something new about him that I didn’t know before and I love that. I love the effect he has on me.  

An update

It’s been almost two months since my last post and a lot has happened in that time. A lot of my previous posts were me stressing over my exams. I sat my exams at the end of May and got my results last month. I passed all my exams!!! I had 4 exams - 2 written papers and 2 practical exams. I was convinced 2 of my exams had gone badly and was so sure that I’d have to redo them. I ended up passing all. I still remember the moment I got my results. My heart was pounding and my fingers trembling as I clicked on the page. Then being overwhelmed by a wave of relief and then joy. I burst into tears and just sobbed uncontrollably. We found out 2 weeks after we sat the exams so after the exams I was in limbo. Not knowing whether I’d passed and not being able to relax and enjoy the beginning of the holidays because I was so worried that I’d done badly.

But by a miracle of God, I passed and now look forward to the end of August when I go back to university to start 2^nd year. 2^nd year sounds a lot more exciting than first year. We get to do another community placement like last year but we also spend 2/3 days a week in hospital shadowing consultants. I am so excited about that. Since starting medical school, I’ve not had much clinical exposure. I spent a day with a GP sitting in on her clinics then the afternoon with another GP on home visits. And we also got to visit a family with a young child in their home environment. We got to ask them questions about their social situation, health care experiences and about their child’s developmental milestones. A lot of people in my year found it a waste of time but I found it exciting. We got to go out into the community and we met real people of different social backgrounds. I found it a real eye opener to see into someone’s life and to understand the difficulties that they face. It helped me understand the area that I am studying and learning in much better. I think that’s very important in medicine as to provide a holistic approach to patient care we need to be able to understand the person as a whole not just their physical ailments.