A bad day

I am back at uni now. The weather here is so miserable. The sky is covered with dark menacing clouds and it just feels really grim and depressing. I am one of the classic weather-affects-my-mood people. So far today has been an altogether awful day. I had two mock exams which went terribly. I revised as much as I could but it just wasn't enough. The exam was full of random difficult questions and I wasn't happy with it at all. I am glad it's just a mock so now I know how much work I need to put in for the real thing.

When me and my friend were going in for the exam, everyone in our year was there and there were so many cheerful catch ups and 'how was your christmas?' conversations. I was standing there awkwardly as my friend was catching up with her other friends feeling miserable thinking that here is another reminder of how I haven't made enough friends at uni. I tried to block it out and think about other things so that I wouldn't burst into tears there and then. I thought of the time when I stood in the centre of Times Square on a sunny afternoon looking up and around at all the moving images. I thought of the George Washington Bridge on a beautiful clear sunny day....Not only were the exams ridiculously hard but I was reminded of my lack of friends. As I walked back to my flat I tried to blink away tears of disappointment and let down.

So there you have it....so far today has not been a good day. I think I will watch Mamma Mia in a bit. This is my happy film. I feel like watching Meryl Streep singing and dancing in the beautiful sunshine happy and content with life. Maybe one day I can be that happy and content with my life.

Hopes and Dreams

It is the longest that I have been at home since I went to university. It's been good. I have done a lot of revision as planned but am feeling quite low at the moment. I haven't spent the time out drinking or partying like most people my age would have done. But Instead I have been watching films, reading and endulging in some retail therapy. But it's the last day of the holidays and tomorrow I will be heading back to uni. Since going to uni I have learnt to appreciate my family and the time that I spend with them. The longest I went without seeing them was six weeks and I was so homesick.

When I got into uni I was happy about going to uni away from home because I thought it would be a good experience and that it would be a fresh start for me. I would start a new life and put the past in the past and start again. But unfortunately it hasn't gone nearly as well as I had hoped. I have met some really great people but I had dreamed of a world full of fun and opportunity and it hasn't been like that for me. My life up till then had been plagued with missed opportunities, boredom, heartbreak and lost hope. Uni has given me fresh hope in achieving my dream but the social side of it hasn't quite lived up to my expectations. I guess we can't have everything. Right? Instead of moping and partly to distract me I got really stuck into my uni work. In some ways the fact that there is so much to do is good. It keeps me busy and focussed.

Right now I have one goal. That is to graduate and pursue my dream career. Sometimes I get lost along the way and distracted and try too hard to fit in and be like everyone else. But I am smart that is my 'thing' I have a dream and that is my focus right now. We all need a focus in life. We all need to have a dream and have something to work towards because without dreams and hope what would we have?

What makes us happy?

Yesterday I had a short but interesting conversation with my great aunt which has got me thinking. Unfortunately, she is going through a tough time in her life and during our phone conversation she asked me a strange question. She asked me whether I was happy. It is a simple enough question you would think right? But I was lost for words. I didn’t know what to tell her. No one had ever asked me that before. So the analyser in me got thinking after I put down the phone.

Happiness - what is it? Is it a state of mind? The scientist in me would say that it is a feeling that you have due to high levels of a chemical made by the body called serotonin. But if we think about the everyday meaning of the word – what makes us happy? Is it little moments which stop us in our tracks as we go about our lives. Little things in life that make us smile such as the early morning sun, the smile of the love of my life or the first snow of the year. Or is happiness a more permanent state of mind brought about by things that are more sustainable – such as a good job or a partner? I wish I knew the answer.

Despite being in the state of happiness there is always something that is on our mind that stops us being happy. There are plenty of things that distract us from that happy place that makes us feel all warm and fuzzy inside. For me getting into university to do the degree that I have always wanted to do made me the happiest person in the world. I had a bit of a rough time before that – so this was the happy news that I needed to change my life. I was so happy. I was just over the moon! Then when I started the degree the sheer workload and the pressure of deadlines were on the forefront of my mind and I forgot to be happy. I forgot to appreciate how lucky I am and instead I let myself be consumed by worries.  

But there are lots of little moments that I try and snatch for myself during the day that make me happy. Just today I put on one of my favourite happy cheerful songs – Mamma Mia and danced around my bedroom pretending to be Meryl Streep. I do that sometimes. When I tell others about my pop star alter ego they just look at me in embarrassment like I am a weirdo. They just don’t understand. Life for me can sometimes feel like one long routine. I do the same things every day and sometimes I like to take a couple of seconds and do something different. Just to make the day different to the one before. These are my little moments of happiness. Sometimes I like to just forget about everything and just have a sing-along and be a rock star! We all need a little boost every day to make us feel good and happy! Right?

Who we are

I have always wondered what the obsession with looks is. It is so important to some people who let it define who they are. I’m not saying that looks aren’t important at all because that would be a lie but I try not to let it define me. I would say that I am average looking at best and have often felt insecure about the way I look. But regardless, I feel that there are so many other things that we could be focussing our efforts on. Like what is inside us and simply make the most of what we have.

I guess like everyone I have features that I am happy about as well as some that I would like to change. But the features that we have are ours. They are what we were born with and I have become used to looking this way. If that suddenly changed my life will not be the same. I may not be the same person that I was before. To be honest there have been times when I wished that I was more attractive and that I had much more confidence but these feelings come and go when I am feeling at my most low.

Unfortunately the way we look is the first thing that people notice about us and sadly it affects the way people react towards you. The way people react towards you affects you as a person as well as your perceptions of yourself and others. I may be a totally different person if I looked different. So I just accept the way that I look and get on with my life. It's something that I can't really change so why get too obsessed about it. Whereas the person you are on the inside is something that you can change. So why can't we all focus on that? It’s in essence who we are. It is what we use to form life-long friendships and sustain relationships with others so why can’t we all focus on our personalities? This is what will always be there like a good wine which will mature and strengthen with time. Looks on the other hand fade. I know that when you are at school or college or even university that seems to be the most important thing. You hope that by dressing in a certain way the guy that you like will notice you. But surely that is not how you want him to notice you but instead based on who you are as a person?  

Grey's Anatomy

My favourite programme on TV at the moment is Grey’s Anatomy. I can’t express enough just how much I love this show. I started watching from season 6 after my friends and family were recommending it and since then I have become obsessed! I then started watching the repeats of earlier series and the only series I have yet to finish watching is Series Two. I had the series set to record on my television at home so that when I come home from university I can watch them. Even on the train home I can’t wait to turn on the television and look forward to sitting down with a cup of tea, curled up with a blanket to watch Grey’s.

The clever mix of drama, romance and medicine make the show so addictive. Although in essence the show is a medical drama the personal lives of the characters and their individual stories make them so loveable and irresistible to watch. You get so tangled and embroiled in their stories that you begin to think of them as people you know and love. Each episode highlights a specific issue that is relevant to both the character’s personal and professional lives. In a way the two are so closely interlinked and are interchangeable.

I have never been a fan of medical dramas. They are often grossly dramatized and glamourized and the characters conform to old stereotypes of doctors being cold, detached and clinical. But Grey’s is definitely an exception. With a sexy cast which includes the irresistible Patrick Dempsey and great probing storylines this show is a must! 5/5

Rain

It’s been raining all day today. I love rain. For a lot of people it’s a nuisance. For my mum it means that she can’t put the washing out. For my dad it means he can’t run errands. People get all hot and bothered about it. It’s just water for God’s sake. It’s just water falling from the skies. Sitting inside, I love to watch it as it hits the window panes. Seeing it slide down the glass blurring the outside world always makes me feel like I am in a special place; where I am away from the outside world where I can get lost in my thoughts and feel safe. It has a very dreamy quality to it. As I sit in my room revising for my exams I stop and appreciate it. It brings a smile to my face. I can hear it hammering on the roof and it’s such a beautiful sound. Not quite like the movies where the rain is pouring heavily and a couple are making love inside their house by a log fire as they hear it hitting the tin roof with Norah Jones playing in the background but it’s still special to me. It is like washing away the old and when it stops it leaves behind this damp, heavy cloggy air and everything feels different. It’s like waking up on a new day leaving the old day behind. It’s a new time and things will be different.

New Year's Day

What does this day mean for you? For me it is a time spent with my family saying good bye to the past year and welcoming a new one. A day full of hopes and promises for the coming year. It’s the time to put behind the mistakes and regrets of the past and to look into the future and a new beginning. I usually make a resolution and this year it is to pass first year at university and to be happy. I know the latter is rather broad but sometimes that is a good thing. Right? I aim to make the most of the opportunities that may present itself to me over the course of the year and to try new things. To put myself out there and see what happens. I will try to not be afraid all the time. I am not one of those seize the day people. I wish I were but instead I am one of those that like to stay within my comfort zone and hope for things to happen but never actually take the step to make it happen.

I always spend New Year’s Eve/New Year’s day with my family. We stay up late and watch the countdown on BBC 1 and see the fireworks. I never quite understand why we watch the fireworks on television. It is never the same as being there but nonetheless it is something we do every year. Like a tradition. We then wish each other happy new year and hug and kiss each other and pray to God that the year will be a prosperous one. Then we speak on the telephone with our family abroad.

This year we went to the temple. My parents aren’t too keen on visiting the temple on New Year’s Day because of the crowds but despite the dreadful windy wet day we trudged along anyway. If you get there nice and early they give you a nice meal, but by the time we got there the food had all run out. That’s a shame! I always look forward to the food. But it’s nice to be at the temple on New Year’s Day. The atmosphere is great. People from all over the country come to my temple hoping that this year will bring them luck and prosperity.

I spent the evening watching Adele – Live at the Royal Albert Hall on BBC 1 on the television. She is bloody fantastic! Isn’t she? What a talent. Watching her is like watching a gift from God. She sings with such emotion and conviction which always brings a tear to my eye. She performed songs from her debut album 19 as well as the multi-million follow up 21. 21 has been a dear companion of mine through much troubled times in the past year. This past year has been like a roller-coaster with many great ups and downs and often I turned to music to help me through the tougher times. When I am upset or lonely 21 gives me the much needed comfort and uplift that I need. Adele writes some of the most beautiful lyrics that can really capture the heart. She is also one of the artists that both me and my mother can enjoy together. Me and mother don’t have the same taste in music but Adele is the exception. Although poles apart and each with our own set of dreams and heart breaks, each of us can take something different away from an Adele song. It was a great end to a great day.

Often I have a song that best captures the emotion that I am feeling at any given time. Sometimes I feel that my life is like a movie with a soundtrack for each experience. I would like to share with you my song that best captures how I feel today.

Paradise by Coldplay.